Dani Girl

Journal

2011-11-26T12:17:00.000-08:00

Day 5
Last night was my whopping dose of seroquel. I believe all totalled, it was a 450mg dose. This is supposed to keep me from going off the deep end. Its supposed to make me feel better. So far, coupled with the valium, I feel like a walking zombie. Doc said that likely I will be unsteady, have a slow reaction time, have the shakes and feel "off" for awhile until my body decides whether or not it likes the new med cocktail. And I have a roaring case of DRY mouth. UGD! When i wake up in the morning my lips are pasted together and my mouth is all dry and cakey. So gross. Im hoping if I wait long enough, these symptoms will go away. Heres hoping.
So I had been staying at moms during the day. I wasn't supposed to be alone or drive. :P But L worked half a day today (Saturday) and I just didn't feel like putting everyone through our presence yet again. We managed fine. I had a few minutes of panic and real unsteadiness , but I muddled through.
Dug out my old tapes from the Midwest centre and Ive been watching them and reading the book again. I figure a boost on the info won't hurt me. Re learning all this stuff about anxiety and the mechanics of it just reminds me that Ive been here before. I think this is probably the worst its ever been in my life....but I know Ive been through really rough periods before and Ive come out of it. I guess for a long time Ive merely been "functioning". I can be honest and admit that I haven't been getting a lot of joy out of anything lately. I am avoiding people more, not going out as much, I can't make a decision to save my life, my sleep was awful...all of these things are symptoms of anxiety/depression. What makes me saddest is that I can't live in the moment. Im constantly either living in the future, (what if? what might happen? is it going to be bad? oh my god...) or the past, (this bad thing happened before, remember? it was awful. what if it happens again?!) not to mention that I am always consumed with my thoughts. I live in my head. It turns you into such a selfish person, who is consumed with themselves. It isn't on purpose. Its just the nature of the disease. Pretty soon you just don't want to be around anyone because...you are listening to them laugh and enjoy the "moment" and you aren't even there with them anymore. You are living inside your self. Stuck obsessing about your body symptoms, what if'ing, panicking, or trying to avoid panic. It sucks. What REALLY sucks is that you get used to it. You lose hope and it becomes a way of life for you. Losing hope is the worst because then you become resigned. You become resigned to the fact that you don't deserve to feel better. And its been so long since you've felt human , you can barely remember it anyway. Can you remember a time when you felt peace? A time when you felt whole? Put together? A time when you could laugh naturally without it being fake? A time when you didn't have a giant weight sitting on your chest? A time when you were just......happy?! Ive become resigned to this life. Being unhappy, feeling desperate at times, feeling like Im coming undone, living in bewilderment and feeling lonely like...everyone else is living their lives and enjoying themselves. Oh what it would feel like to just...feel normal again. To just feel like a regular ordinary person. I hate this disease. Its robbed my husband of a wife, my children of a mother, my friends of a friend, my sisters of a sister. Its taken so much from me. It makes me so mad and frustrated. I know this isn't ME. I want to stand up and yell, "IM IN HERE." Because I know I am. The real me, the happy me, is in here. The girl who wants to enjoy her life. Who wants to feel free and calm. Im in here.
Something else that no one wants to talk about, but is very prevalent and REAL for people who suffer from depression, is suicide. There is a stigma attached to suicide and its a very taboo subject. Its shrouded in shame and secrecy. And I think thats why its so hard for people to admit when they are feeling suicidal. Its why they hide it. Its scary and people who may be suicidal or are having suicidal feelings/thoughts, feel like no one will understand. In a certain sense, you have to understand that to a person who is in a constant state of turmoil and overwhelming sadness, death or the idea of being "dead" starts to seem like it might be an option because it would bring with it, relief. Its especially hard if you have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time with no hope of it ever going away. If you've tried doctor after doctor, therapist after therapist, medication after medication and nothing has worked, you start to lose hope and feel like any sense of a normal happy life is slipping through your fingers like sand. The thought of living this way "forever" , is to much to handle and process.
Thats why its always important to remember that you are NOT alone. Ive gone through periods when I felt like ..... I was the only person in the universe who felt this way. I was the only person who had these ridiculous, obsessive thoughts. But the truth is, so many people suffer with this and DO understand. A week ago, when I went to the hospital, I was in a bad place in my mind. I was desperate, despondent and so very sad. I did not have any suicidal plans. I did not want to commit suicide. But, I did want to die so that the feelings would go away. I was thinking about death more and more. I just wanted the horrible feelings to stop. But I never planned my own demise, or had intentions of carrying them out. I am always aware that I have children who need me. And they perhaps have been my savings grace. I went to the hospital because I was scared that the feelings I was having would progress to suicidal tendencies and that I would formulate a plan. I was worried that I was going to sink farther into this abyss and feel like I had no other option. It was time to be honest with myself and take a positive step. And so I did. I admitted how I was feeling. I felt pathetic and ridiculous, but I did it. Im not sure that I left feeling anymore hopeful...but I did feel like I had done "the right thing". I was able to access help and resources that I need. So in that regard it was a success! But after numerous therapists, 3 physciatrists, 2 diagnosis's, 5 med changes in 6 months and countless Doctors...its easy to lose hope that you will ever be better. I feel very broken and defeated. And like the only thing I have left to do is come to terms with this being the way that I will always feel. Accept it and feel forever miserable.
I don't WANT to feel this way anymore. I feel like Im missing out on so much. The am constantly aware of what this must do to my children. Even more so, I am painfully aware that I am missing out on enjoying THEM. They are my biggest motivators for getting help, and NOT losing hope. They make me want to be BETTER. They make me want to keep getting up, and keep going...
Probably a lot of people are wondering why I would even bother blogging about this. Its for 2 reasons. I write to release, to get things out. And more importantly....I want other people to know that they aren't alone. Its a disease of isolation. And you aren't alone. You really aren't. Even though you might feel so terribly painfully lonely and like no one understands. Someone DOES. There are many of us who are suffering from this. Its just not something that is easy to talk about. But If writing about this...airing my emotional underwear and baggage out in front of others, touches ONE person , then writing about this..something that is hard to talk/write about , has been worth it.
xo
d

Journal

2011-11-25T07:32:00.000-08:00

Day 4
Everywhere I look/turn/try to avoid/bump into...someone has the flu. And when people have the flu...they SURE DO like to talk about it!!!!!!! My anxiety has sky rocketed. I want to die. (Did I mention that when I was in the hospital, I was put next to a barfing person?! Happens EVERY SINGLE time. :P I cannot escape it!!!) People won't shut up about the stupid Norwalk virus. UGDD!!! Feel like telling everyone to just shut up and stay the hell away from me. This is the part I hate the most. Being an anti social, intolerant bitch..Just because my brain is telling me to be one.
Last night I had to take 8 Seroquel in one shot. (That was in addition to the 4 I had already previously taken during the day.) Felt wrong to dump that many pills in my hand and actually ingest them. Kept telling myself it was what I was supposed to do, and it would make me feel "better". (That was after I obsessively kept reading the bottle of pills to make sure that it did indeed say, "Take 8 pills before bedtime." I even made Launi read it to "make sure".) Anyway, they were ingested and I immediately went to bed. I had a dead sleep. Completely dead.
So we get to Moms house and Jayden is sick. I had figured all week that it would happen, I was imagining coming here and having someone say, "He can't go to school. He's been officially Norwalked." AND it happens. (Of course it does. Its me.) Logically thinking...almost all the damn kids in the schools are sick right now. Even Lijie had it. (And I withstood his barfing episode calmly and without incident. He could have cared less. I was happy his DAD was home to deal with the majority of the escapade.)
Im just trying to tell myself that I don't care. Logic tells me that there is nothing I can do to control the events that are about to unfold. I cannot pick and choose who will get sick , nor when. And worrying about it is a big waste of time right? Not only that...it makes me sicker. So in the mean time I am imagining great big red stop signs in my mind, whenever I find myself obsessing or thinking about it. I tell it to of away. I tell myself that I will not worry about it until I "have to". I tell myself that the worry is always worse than the actual event. Anticipatory anxiety is a bitch. Its a monster that is bigger than life and rages out of control. :P Where is a monster slayer when I need one??!
Besides all of the crap going on...the new meds make me feel like a zombie. I am tired. Oh so very tired. In a way I have never been tired before. My mucles feel like goo, Im shaky and Im unable to withstand long periods of time without feeling light headed or needing to lay down. My blood pressure is low from the meds. (And its low to begin with.) so every time I stand up I see sparkles!! But I knew all of this would happen. I knew it was coming. :P Its supposed to taper off and everything should even out. *fingers crossed* Thats the end goal. If we can achieve it. Im trying to be positive. Ive just heard it all before. Why this time is going to be different , Im not sure. But even though I feel washed up and alone..I still do feel some small glimmer of hope that I will feel normal. I will function without having to think about it first. I just want peace in my life. Peace and joy. Perhaps some of us, with this disease, have to be taught how to feel those things. Perhaps the disease eats up what is left of peace and joy and we have to find it again?! Maybe it sounds silly but...it doesn't come naturally to alot of people. Its something we have to work for.
And so another day has started. My meds have kicked in and its time for a much needed nap. My brain hurts a bit. Everything feels confusing. Everything feels like glass thats about to shatter. Tip toe.....tip toe...
I was put on valium , in a vain attempt to take me off (wean me off) of another medication. I kind of felt like a 70's wife. (Apparently, during the 70's , Valium was mass prescribed for unhappy suburban house wives. ) I can see why. It kind of takes over your brain and numbs you out. However, I don't have any interests in long term usage. Because then its just one more med to wean off of. But in the meantime, I guess it helps. It works for me when I start to feel panic and uncontrollable anxiety. You know...the anxiety that creeps up from your stomach and reaches out its hands and wraps them around your neck...ensuring no escape. THAT kind of anxiety. The kind that makes your mind race at 200 miles per hour, covers you in a sweat, makes your heart pump so loud you can hear it in your ears, panic that wraps it self around you like a vice grip and makes you feel like you are on the verge of going crazy. That kind of panic!! Have I mentioned that Depression and Anxiety are horrible?!
Any sort of mental illness seems to get largely "poo poo'ed" by people. You can bet money that they are the same people who have never ever experienced anxiety or anything remotely near depression. The same people who would argue that these are not diseases of the mind, but just symptoms of a weak minded person. Well...what do they know anyway?!
Ive been dealing with these things for long enough to know that I would do almost ANYTHING to rid myself of the symptoms. If someone told me eating donkey poo would reverse all the damage, cure me 100% so that I Would never have to deal with either again, I would be the first to march up to the donkeys and wait my turn!! Electro shock therapy? Sure, why not. Hot spikes shoved into my eye balls? Well....sure! What do I have to lose? Unfortunately its never as easy as all that is it? No. It never is.
Treatment is long and arduous. Its something that, in my opinion, you have to be desperate to do. Therapy might sound easy, but its not. It takes time, effort, motivation and a need to stick to it! You have to be willing. Its not a quick fix or a fast cure.
THough...right now, I feel ready to do the things I have to. I think Im ready to confront all that Ive held back over the years. All thats creeped up on me. Certainly one could say that since Ive done it once, I can do it again, right?! Right.
-*Don't worry about it until you have to worry about it.
-*Recognise anticipatory anxiety. Accept it for what it is. Don't fight against it.
-*Understand that this is just the way your brain is. Feel the symptoms, crappy as they are, but try and carry on anyway. Its just the anxiety. With a anticipatory anxiety, nothing is ever as bad as we FEAR it is.
-*Take it one minute at a time. Don't think about the past or the future. Just live in the now. I am OK right now. Jumping backwards or forwards just makes the anxiety worse and harder to handle. Try and stay in the moment.

Time to get on with the day. Another nap perhaps?! Im glad I can be here at my moms while going through all these changes and adjustments. It makes it easier to know I am surrounded by people who support me. (Even if some of them are barfing. :P )

d xo

Journal

2011-11-24T07:39:00.000-08:00

Day 3
Day 3 of new med regime. Not quite sure how to describe how I feel. I feel..........nothing?! My mind has quieted down. I can feel that. What used to be a rushing torrent of a river, has slowed to the quiet slow trickle of a leaky faucet. Im still obsessing about things. Mainly flu season, the stomach flu and throwing up in general. I know. No really.....I KNOW. How do you even try and explain to someone, the hows and why's of an obsession like that?! Its fucked up and I know it. Logically I can make sense of these things. However, the not so logical "OCD" takes over and pulverizes my rationale. Not having control over my own brain/thoughts is really starting to piss me off. Ive boy cotted Facebook for this reason. I can't stand reading everyone's, "Im sick with the flu" posts. It totally gets the ball rolling for me. Like reading it, will make it contagious. But it is, to me. Because it plants the seed...the deceptive little seed ...that starts my murderous OCD thoughts going. To someone who is normal, this probably makes no sense what so ever. To someone like me, (decidedly very un-normal) its an exhausting roller coaster, that I ride every single day. I keep hoping that the mass amounts of meds they have me on will make a difference . Even if its a small difference I would take it gladly. I have 2 appointments next week. One with a therapist and one with my Phsychiatrist. Ive been seeing this doctor off and on since I was 18. So they got me an appointment with him through "urgent" care. However, in the hospital I seen another Doctor. We shall call him the , hair twirler, because the whole time he'd talk to me he would sit there and twirl his hair like a girl. The hair twirler, can see me via internet appointments. Yes thats right....web cam appointments. Im not hot about the idea, plus...I wasn't sure that I liked him all that much. I can just tell. He kept looking so perplexed when he talked to me. Like he just couldn't figure me out. Like he was ......lost. This does NOT inspire in me confidence. Because then I kept having to ask him, "SO....what are you thinking??!" "What do you THINK?" I didn't feel comfortable around him. Mind you...I also know that its not his responsibility to make me like him. Its to do his job. Which so far....he has. The results still remain to be seen. My other Doctor is the complete opposite. He's very personable, lets me ask him weird questions and he also answers my asinine questions with humour!!!! I guess what Im missing...what I am failing to achieve or get from anyone yet...is a sense of hope. Hope that this won't go on forever. Hope that I am fixable. Hope that this life is worth living because *I* will get better and accomplish great things. Or not even great things. Hope that I will get better and just have the ability to function. That would be a step in the right direction. Its so easy to feel like an outcast . So easy to feel like no one else understands your plight. However, I am starting to realize there are SO many people who have depressive illnesses and have never spoken out about it because they sadly feel the same way. Misunderstood, alone, scared, and directionless when it comes to trying to deal with the disease. I get it. Its been a life long battle for me. I so get it.
Things Ive been trying to tell myself everyday:

-"One hour, one minute, one second....at a time." Self explanatory for people like me who are always 19 steps ahead of themselves. Slow it down. Scale it back. Instead of thinking 5 hours ahead and preparing and worrying for the worst, just take the next 5 minutes as they come.

-"Don't worry about it until you HAVE to worry about it." - I worry in advance. I worry about things that haven't even happened. I worry about the past events, what future events might be and about everything in between. A lady told me once that it was a very silly stupid thing to do. Why worry needlessly? She then gave me a rule that I try to stick by.."No worrying, until its happened. Then you can worry all you want." The concept is really beautiful isn't it? Now if I could just get my damn brain to follow then we'd be all good.

-"What doesn't kill me.....makes me stronger." I figure, since Ive been through all of this before, and I just keep falling off the wagon, that I can do it again. Even though some days I feel hopeless...I still refuse to give up hope that one day, I will feel productive, peaceful and "normal". Its going to take work. They warned me of this a couple times in the hospital a couple days ago. There is no magic , cure all, blue pill that you can take to make it all better. It takes time. It takes effort. It takes motivation and it takes effort on your part. It hasn't killed me yet. It must be making me stronger...even if I don't feel it yet.

-"Happiness equals reality versus expectation." Holy crap. Lately Ive been trying to be super woman. Or more so...perhaps a perfectionist. I want everything to be "Just so" with a nice red ribbon tied around it. I want the WHOLE house clean....not just a couple of rooms at a time. I want the house to appear in order, comfy, cozy, chaos free and perfect. Then I will be happy. (Or so I keep telling myself.) I started reading a book that a professor wrote. He specialized in "happiness" and specifically...what made people happy or unhappy?! It came down to reality vs your expectations. And it clicked for me. What is my reality, what is realistic as opposed to what Im expecting things to be. NO wonder I don't feel content or happy. My expectations are up my arse, compared to what I can realistically do. This is really interesting to think about for yourself. I spent a lot of time realizing that my expectations in life are way way to high and unattainable. They are "unrealistic". To be happier , to be a more content person..I have to come up with ways to be more realistic. Otherwise I will constantly feel overwhelmed, defeated, and like Ive been failure at accomplishing things.

I felt numb 3 days ago when I stumbled into the hospital. I didn't know what they were going to say....or what I was even going to say . I didn't know if Id find the words. But I did. And it turned into a first step. Here's hoping.
d
xo

2011-08-17T22:37:00.000-07:00

unquiet mind

it starts in my head
the lies & pain
i'll never be good enough
i'll never be sane

stupid fat girl,
so ugly & worthless.
what do you have to offer?
you're just a great big mess.

do you feel others hurts,
like they are your own?
a heart full of agony...
thick skin you haven't grown.

do you feel it weigh on you?
the crash..its coming fast.
tried so hard to fight it back
just let it consume me at last.

so black inside, so sad.
weary, alone & numb.
i hate feeling like this.
i just want it to be done.

who could keep on living
this life in limbo, in this place so bleak?
everything goes by so slow...
i feel like such a freak.

why can't I be like everyone else?
why can't happy stay here?
id give anything to take a deep breath
i wish my mind was clear.

can you even fix this?
is it even worth the fight?
claw my way back..from inside this deep dark hole.
im so confined & wrapped up tight.

people look at me and see weakness.
& maybe they are right.
Im just so god damned tired
of feeling heavy with this fright.

please just let me go
break me free from these chains
there is nothing left inside of me
i will take my chances with what remains.

i lay here, to scared to hope
to broken to cry.
my soul is crushed..in ruins
why me? WHY?

give me back my life
please give me back joy
id hold on to it...never let it go.
like a shiny brand new toy.

inadequacy slaps me
i hear souls that weep
what happened to me?
just let me forever sleep.

its to hard to feel happiness
i wouldn't even know how
it doesn't often come here
that pathways broken now.

will you rescue me from cold
despair & ache?
will you notice me fading
before it is to late?

something warm hits me..
covers me in my heap
is this a blessing from you?
is this the healing that i seek?

something whispers to me
"fight. i know you can. fight.
this is only part of it. you don't know the end yet.
fight. come back where it is bright."

do i dare to listen?
do i dare to try?
i have to. im not ready but.......
all thats left here is to die.

iron clad will & strength
finds me & pulls me out..
i hesitate, fall back..
in my face, "DON'T GIVE UP" they shout.

tasting tears to familiar
i find footing & let them pull.
.....they save me from myself.
my heart fills & then.... its full

i will always be, broken at best
but i found myself lifted
i had a thought & i know now..
with this burden, i've been gifted

thank you for saving me..
consumed with pain & crushing grief..
i was sure to be free of it
id make my existence brief

someone saw something in me
i myself, couldn't see ...
someone saved me from myself..
so that i could still BE

sometimes i falter &
fall back to that place
i hold on, get ruined
& god willing, return to home base

you see, its a ride
up & down, up & down
hold on to the good times
& resurface when i drown

its all i can do
some days, just survive
but i thank god for these people
try appreciate being alive

don't despair if you understand this
you can fight, i know you will
you take the good with the bad
you just do it until...

to you i give strength
to you i give grace
please find hope & worth
when you look into your face

copyright 2011
inad nelbad

Airing out my emotional underwear..

2011-08-10T10:32:00.000-07:00

There is no reason to think that ANYONE in their right mind would want to read this blog entry. Well....except maybe one. Perhaps there is other women out there..(or even just "A" woman) who feel the same way and can relate. In which case...I may just publish it. That remains to be seen.

I had all these high hopes and illusions for summer. I was going to finally be the perfect wife and mother. I was going to get up every morning by 8:00am, cook the kids a nice healthy, big breakfast (in my mind I was picturing Sunny Boy porridge or fat slices of french toast with organic maple syrup and fresh fruit on top!!) and I was determined that I wasn't going to raise my voice, get frustrated or feel overwhelmed. I was going to potty train Rhys, "fix" Lij with my newly acquired herbal concoction and learn to become one with the dog. I also had fantasies of doing my hair and makeup every day and I was going to drastically reduce the amount of TV that the kids were watching. I wrote it all down in my little note book under the heading: "GOALS" and highlighted it with a bright yellow neon highlighter! How could my PLANS and ideas NOT work out?! I mean....I highlighted them for gods sake!!

I am here to confess fully and completely, that I am a dismal failure. I would like to come clean and admit that I haven't accomplished one damn thing on my list. Not ONE damn thing. :P Part of it is through no fault of my own. (Or so I tell myself.) I tried to cook healthy breakfasts. My kids looked at me like I was insane and asked me for bowls of Captain' Crunch instead. I tried not to yell and no one listened to a word I said. (Though most of my yelling %97 percent of it anyway, is directed at the dog. Who, I will add, is a flaming idiot...) I did my hair, but what was the point? No one was there to admire it but me. And that got old after 5 minutes. It was to hot anyways and I reverted back to my trusty ponytail. The make up application lasted a day. I thought this would be a realizing way to get myself ready and start the day. *snort* It turned out to be MASS chaos that left me hyperventilating on the couch. Rhys wanted to do "pretties" with me. (And any mother knows that when the kids are involved in any activity, ie; cooking, helping you clean, make up application., it takes 3 times longer to do!!!.....) It seemed harmless enough. However 4 minutes later my bathroom walls were covered in mascara and black eyeliner (which is a bitch to get off the walls) I had lip gloss on the backs of my knee's, Gulliver had ingested 2 make up sponges and Rhys was now combing her hair with the mascara wand chanting, "I so pretty. I sooo pretty. I sooooooooo pretty." (And SOMEONE had tossed my eyelash curler into the toilet!!!) This was HARDLY relaxing...or WORTH IT.

Then a colossal wrench was thrown into my seemingly perfect summer plan. (Well 2 wrenches actually..) L announced (on a Friday) that he was leaving for work on Monday night. Short notice for me, who needs at least a YEAR to get used to ideas such as this. There was no specific time when the "working away" would end. It was simply a place (Drumheller) that had work to offer and he had to take it. While I wanted very desperately to be supportive and positive about this new development..I was having problems in my OWN backyard. I had recently been given a new diagnosis to a problem I have been dealing with for more than a year. I had finally worked up the courage and had become, to be frank, desperate to feel better. L had totally backed me telling me that he would BE here to help me deal, that we'd weather the med change together and that everything would be ok. 2 days into my new meds he left for Drumheller. :P While I understand that this was mostly a case of really crappy timing..I couldn't help feeling like Id gotten the shaft and was alone, drifting in a rescue boat trying so hard to: a) find my way back b) stay afloat and c)NOT drown. It already felt like an uphill battle that I was fighting every second. This added stress was so not what I needed. Due to the nature of the new meds and what I felt was my rapidly deteriorating emotional state, I opted for plan B. Staying with my mom while L was gone. She didn't even offer. (Though I know she would have) I just called her up in tears and basically said I was coming. And I was bring ALL my splendid chaos with me. What a blessing to have her say, "Ok. Sounds good." Most people would have run screaming for the hills. She assured me she was there to help me with the corn cobs and that everything would be fine.(God Bless Mothers!!!) I felt relief coupled with anxiety over L leaving. I know that as the wife, its my job to be ever patient, wise and supportive of his work which is the basis of our lively hood. However (and I do feel guilty admitting this..) I was NOT the picture of wifely perfection. In this area I also failed dismally. Caught up in my own illness, overwhelmed by the task of caring for the kids on my own and getting used to new meds at the same time....I told him to do what he had to do and that Id manage. It was not a glorious send off. I didn't wave from the deck and offer words of encouragement. I told him to leave before I started to cry and then went to hide in the laundry room so I could fold laundry and feel sorry for myself. I just felt so damn overwhelmed and incapable of handling anything. I was frustrated and angry that it had to be this way and I was annoyed that it felt like I didn't have a choice in the matter. NO..Im sure it wasn't easy to be the man and be working away. I know that Hotel living sucks, the hours are long and that they miss home. But I also know that its no picnic for the people left behind either. I have friends who don't care that their husbands work away. They take it in stride, live their own lives and handle it gracefully. I try. I really do. But I haven't gotten to the "I don't care" stage yet.

Staying at my moms is great! But when you are bringing your stupid dog and your high strung, loud kids to someone Else's house...you kind of feel like you at walking on eggshells. My moms house is perpetually clean, she likes "quiet" and she isn't used to chaos. And unfortunately....wherever we are, chaos seems to ensue. :P Let me just say I don't know who has been more of a pain in the arse...the dog or Lij. Lij comes by it honestly..and 75% of it can't be helped. The dog however, Im convinced, is trying to send me to an early grave so he can get rid of me...the most UNFUN member of the family. (He forgets that if it wasn't for me, no one would remember to feed him!!) He chews on everything, eats everything, pee's on the floor, stinks , takes my dads shoes and "hides" them...and he had himself a little "potpourri" salad last night. (Which would explain why *I* was up with him 4 times in the middle of the night, holding his paw whilst he barfed!!!! ) And apparently, unannounced to me, Lij has been getting up at the asscrack of dawn, waking my mom up and demanding breakfast!!!!!!!!!!! Who DOES that???!

So Ive been feeling like the worlds biggest pain in the ass, nuisance. On one hand....I bloody hate this. On the other hand, I know..health wise..its better for everyone if we're here. Underfoot and driving my Mom nuts. :P And thus, Im trying to swallow my pride and ask for help. Im sure the kids are displaying such fantastic behaviours because everything has changed. Dad's not here, we're not at home, different rules. *sigh* Rhys threw the most spectacular temper tantrum I have ever witnessed at Value Village today. Unlike her brother, this is not normal for Rhys. The outburst was over a red wagon. I wouldn't buy it. (How dare I not bend to her every whim and desire?! Im such a bitch.) I started out ignoring her, then trying to bribe her with gum but her howls become so loud and obnoxious that we were collecting a variety of stares, whispers and pointing fingers. And dirty looks. (Bastards) I finally had to pick her up , fling her over my shoulder and carry her bucking and jiving out of the toy area. I was getting kicked in all sorts of places (Im pretty sure she dislocated my vagina.) but was maintaining my composure rather well if I do say so myself. Prying eyes and inquiring (nosey arseholes) minds were staring from ever direction. I resisted making eye contact and trudged on. At one point it was getting ridiculous...she really WAS making a spectacle of herself. (And when I said, "Beanie. STOP IT. People are looking at you!!" she just screamed louder. Of course this isn't true at all. They were actually looking at ME thinking, "Why can't she control her kid? Spoiled brat. If that was my kid.... I would NEVER let my kid...yadda yadda yadda.") She actually tossed herself out of my arms (Beanie overboard...) , flopped on the floor and sort of, had a seizure there!! All I could think of, as I watched her (and resisted the MAD urge to run away from her and pretend she wasn't mine.) was that she looked like a giant fish jerking around on the ground, looking for water!! I finally picked her up and stood in line with her and my cart full of stuff. I wanted to make a beeline for the van but of course, I had some of Elijahs toys in the cart and there was no way he would let me out of the store without paying. So we stood in line....me, holding onto the demon child and trying to withstand her very calculated slaps. When our stuff was finally paid for and in bags, I ditched everything at the door and made a quick escape to the van. Took me 5 minutes to wrestle the little darling into her carseat. It was like trying to manoeuvre an octopus into a backpack!!!!! Got her in..and buckled and then went BACK into the store to get the bags. Came back to the van and had a little cry myself. Within 3 minutes of me driving away, Bean was crashed. Apparently her little outburst had totally tuckered her out. :P

Perhaps my problem is, I aim to high in the first place. I do set unreasonable , unrealistic goals for myself and then feel so bad when I can't reach them. Im a big over achiever. Suffering from depression does not help this. Its easy enough to feel such disgust with myself, on a good day!! Never mind waking up to the exhausting, desperate feeling of depression looming over my head. Maintaining a positive "head space" is an uphill battle, something I am constantly fighting for. Its not easy when "mental illness" is such a taboo subject. Even in this day and age..there are so many uneducated, ignorant people who would leave you feeling that depression, bi polar, BPD, OCD as well as many other mental illnesses, are your fault. Something you should feel shame and embarrassment over. This is SUCH a disservice to people and just perpetuates the cycle of not talking about it. After all, people who suffer from diabetes, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia (to name a few), do not draw the judgement and stigma that a person suffering from a mental illness does. They don't feel shame or as though their disease/disorder is their fault. Why isn't it the same for people who suffer from depression?! Mental illnesses freak people out. They automatically have images of "Psycho" and "The Three Faces of Eve" flash through their mind. Depression does not make you any less of a person. In fact, I know from experience, that it makes you a much more compassionate, understanding person. The type of person who won't tell another, "Snap out of IT!!", or "You probably just need more exercise". (Because we all know how HELPFUL those comments are.)

SO..thus far the summer had been.............fun! We're all plugging along, getting used to new changes. But I figure thats what part of being a family is. Change and more change.

xo d

The Spray Park = A Lesson Learned The Hard Way!

2011-07-15T17:35:00.001-07:00

So...the spray park is kind of a watering hole for mothers! Its practical for many reasons. a) Its Free. b) It gets the kids out of the house. c) The kids love it because they can muck around in water. d) Totally versatile if you have kids of varying ages. The small kids/toddlers can't drown because its to shallow and the big kids can still kick water around and be obnoxious!! The children of the corn are occupied and you can bring a coffee, sit and visit with friend!! Happiness all around! Annie and I hadn't seen each other in awhile and I had been whining about how long the week had been. Lij is...ancy. He's used to being at school where everything is scheduled and routine. He's constantly busy there, he's not bored..he's enlightened..if you will. At home, he's just plan bored. And he's bored even if we are "doing something". (Its the curse of the "ADHD".) This is hard to balance with a 3 year old who is used to having Mom to herself all day. Rhys and I had formed a pretty good working relationship. (As I like to call it.) We have our daily routine, we do our own thing, its pretty quiet and calm during the day. Enter summer vacation. This adds my boisterous Lijie to the mix. And frankly..Rhys isn't all that happy that he's home ALL day. Sure they play...they interact..but they also fight and bug each other incessantly. Rhys comes running up to me quite often saying, "He buggin' me! He BUGGIN' ME!!" Its a tough balancing act..finding things they BOTH like to do that are age appropriate, giving equal time of myself to them, trying to keep Rhys's routine pretty similar while Lij's is turned upside down..UGGD! There is only ONE of me. And Im not Mary Poppins for christ sake!!! And THIS year....there is a DOG in the mix. I think all Moms feel the same way to some extent during the summer. And this is why we all hang out at the spray park!! The kids were more than happy to see the water park and they scattered like ants as soon as we pulled up. The babies stuck pretty close and the boys took off like whirling dervishes!! So of course it was NO surprise when I turned around and seen Lij doing this: Foot over the "spout" (and this thing is shooting water out with ALOT of pressure. I mean..its akin to a pressure washer..) directing water, splashing everyone...he was having a blast!!! He thought it was great!! I take a picture and then my attention goes back to my "adult conversation." (Which I would like to mention...I haven't had in days.) A few moments later, Annie starts laughing and points. Lij has retired his FOOT and in turn is using this: I am not surprised. He does stuff like this ALL the time. He had an audience, other kids and mom's at the park were pointing and laughing. They thought he was hilarious. This only egged him on more!! Other kids tried to "copy" but they couldn't stand there for longer than 2 seconds because, and I QUOTE one boy, "UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGD!!!! (Jumping out of the way of the water and grabbing his crotch) MY NACHO'S!!" Lij however, was making no mention of his "nacho's" at all. In fact, it appeared as though he had bum cheeks of steel!
For your viewing pleasure, Check it out:

(At the end of the video, where he sticks out his bum? Yeah he's showing me his, "Texas sized wedgie!!" Where do kids get this stuff??)

Once the fanfare died down and Lij's arse cheeks were feeling battered and bruised, he moved on to bigger and better things. Being a "shark" and tormenting the babies! About 10 mins later Lij comes up to me, soaking wet and rambling about how he had to go to the bathroom "RIGHT NOW!!" We enlisted the help (and watchful eyes) of Jayden. Right around the bend there were public bathrooms. (Thank the maker!) Jayden is usually a pillar of responsibility and sensibleness. And since Lij is neither (lacking impulse control and possessing no common sense, what so ever..god bless him!) they are a good pair!! About 5-10mins later they come running back from the bathrooms. Lij makes a beeline for me and with the worlds biggest smile on his face he LOUDLY and proudly announces, "I just POOPED WATER!!! LOTS OF IT!!" Im kind of stunned into silence momentarily. Jayden brings me back to earth by exclaiming with mock disgust, a tone of "tell it like it is" and perhaps a smidge bit of envy, "He did. I heard it." Annie starts laughing her ass off. The boys scamper away to play unconcerned and Im sitting there still trying to process what he said!!!!! Annie stops laughing for a moment and says, "I guess he gave himself a bit of an enema eh?! Who knew you could get THOSE at the spray park!!" and on she continues laughing. Im to busy trying to gauge what the PSI of the sprayer is and wondering if he has damaged his large intestine!? "Oh my GOD" I say, feeling momentarily panicked. "Do you think he's destroyed his BOWEL? Is he OK????" Annie laughs some more and says, "Yeah. Im sure he'll be fine." *pat pat* Im not convinced. Just in case, I holler out a new RULE: "NO MORE PUTTING YOUR BUMS UP TO THE WATER SPRAY!!! IM SERIOUS!!!!" (When you become a mother, you hear yourself saying the most ridiculous, asinine things. Take the above for example....) We stayed for awhile longer, no one went near the water spray with their bums (I was watching with a hawk eye) and everyone had a grand time!! Just another day in my life!! Im continually surprised and shocked that it is, in fact, my life...however..all signs point to me so I guess, for the time being..it is. Lij has always been and will continue to be the "surprise" in all occasions. Just when I think, "Well damn....now Ive seen it ALL!" he does something that supersedes his previous antics and I am left again, with my mouth hanging open and my brain trying to digest what he has said or done. Im not sure if this will keep me young, or push me closer to the impending stroke, that I know is waiting JUST around the corner. Either way...I have never uttered the words, "Im Bored" since his birth..and I doubt I ever will as long as we cohabit ate together. xo d

The Name Game..

2011-07-14T11:56:00.000-07:00

"Mom..why do we have names?" Lij asked, walking into the kitchen.
I look up from scrubbing a bottle, somewhat perplexed. This is one of THOSE questions.(You know..one of those kid questions that there is no right answer for..so you kind of have to wing it and hope they don't realise that you're talking out your ass.) I search my brain for a simple answer and come up with, "So that people know who we are, I guess." I said, shrugging.
"Well then why are there so many names? How do we get named?" he asks.
I have to come up with MORE explanations??
"There are lots of names because there are lots of people on the earth who need names...and they can't all be the same!!" I replied. "And usually ..the parents name their kids!!" I say with a definite tone in my voice.Perhaps if I sound definite...I won't sound so...stupid?! Surely we have explored this subject in its entirety now. There can't possibly be more questions, Can there?!
Lij shift his stance...but he stays standing. *Sigh* There are more questions....
"Well then WHY did you name me, Elijah James Xavier????"
That question is easy. I can answer this one.
"Well....*Elijah* because I had a dream once that I had a boy and his name was Elijah. James is for your cousin James and Xavier is for your Great Grandpa!"
"Its kind of a LONNNG name mom." he says unconvinced.
"Its a STRONG, proud name!" I say.
He thinks for a minute, sighs and says.."I wish my name was Flame" , and walks away.

Those who have been around for awhile will probably remember the name, Flame. When I was pregnant with Rhys, before we even knew whether she was a boy or a girl, Lij decided that the babies name was Flame. (Briefly he called the baby "Tezla"..after his favorite hot wheels car driver. That lasted about 3 days and then he reverted back to Flame.) I guess in Lij's eyes, Flame is the perfect name!!

You know how they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Its kind of like that with names. Naming your child is one of the best parts of the whole, procreation thing. Its significant because you are leaving your mark. A name is important. Its part of your identity!! Its something that you give to someone and they have forever! However...there is no accounting for taste. And thats how people end up with names like..Helga and Apple. ;) Names are personal. Everyone has a reason!!

So you have your basic "bible" names, (Elijah, Isaiah, Noah, to name a few) popular/common names that never die out, (Stephanie, Brittney, James, Lauren.) your fad names, (Prix, Harlow, Maddox, Kingston) and then you have names that are SO totally out there, you wonder if the parents were high (or feeling slightly cruel) when they picked them out and then bestowed them upon their children!! I will elaborate on this one, as its always amused me greatly!!
A few of MY favorites include:

-Fifi Trixibelle & Peaches Honeyblossom. (Bob Geldof's daughters)
-Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn and Emily Jillette's daughter)
-Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (Michael Hutchence's daughter)
-Spec Wildhorse (John Mellencamp's son)
-Poppy Honey & Daisy Boo (Jamie Oliver's daughters)
-Reignbeau & Freedom (Ving Rhames son and daughter)
-Audio Science (Shannyn Sossamon's son)
-Moon Unit & Diva Muffin (and NO Im not kidding!) (Frank Zappa's daughters)
-Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee's son)

Im all for unique. But not so much for crazy!!

Little does Lij know that had I had my way, he would have been, Elijah LaRue. I was stuck on the middle name Bleu for him..but then I found out Cher had an Elijah Blue so the next best thing to me was LaRue. Launi laughed his ass off when I told him I liked the name and said over his dead body. :P He wanted to call Elijah, Isaiah. But I had had my dream..telling me that I was going to have a boy named Elijah. We came upon an agreement. If it was a boy, I got to name him. If it was a girl, then Launi could pick her name. Had Lij ended up being a girl, his name would have been Emma Lynn Michelle.

When I was pregnant with Rhys it was SO much harder to come up with names! Well..I guess I should rephrase that...coming up with them was easy..picking one was hard!!!! I knew the baby would have to have 2 middle names because Lij had 2 middle names. Early on in the pregnancy we knew we liked Kadence for a name..boy or girl. I picked out Jackson early on to. (Launi`s dads name is Jack but Elijah has always called him, Grandpa Jackson. So in homage to him..we liked Jackson alot.) We had Essabelle picked out for a long time to. (Pronounced: Ee-sah-bell) When we found out it was a girl that narrowed things down...but only a little bit. For the longest time we were set on the name Eisley. I loved it. Another E name, to match Elijah!! But Launi wasn`t crazy about it. One weekend, getting close to the end of the pregnancy, we were having breakfast in a loud, busy restaurant. We had been talking about names and I said that I really wanted to pick something short and cute. I had a feeling, this little girl was going to be tiny, cute and feisty. I figured she needed a name that reflected that personality. I happened upon the name `Reese` because I was laying in bed one day on my second pkg of Reese Peanut Butter Cups when I picked up the wrapper and looked at it. Reese. Hmmm. I liked it!! (And how could naming something after chocolate be bad, after all!!) I wasn`t keen on the more popular spelling however and wanted something different. So at breakfast that morning I asked Launi what he thought of the name Reese, but spelt R-H-Y-S. Short, sweet and simple! He agreed! A few minutes later he asked what I thought about the name `Brooks` for a middle name. I liked it. It went with Rhys, it wasn`t a common name that you hear of everyday and it had a unisex twist to it!! (Like the name Rhys..) I thought for a few more minutes and thought, well, why not Jackson to cap it all off!! I really loved the name and wanted to use it. And who says you can`t name a girl Jackson. Launi agreed with no issues and so she became, *Rhys Brooks Jackson*. Its funny to me how people become their names. I can`t imagine Elijah anything other than `Lijie` and I can`t possibly imagine Rhys anything other than `Beanie`. (Nicknames are a habit in my family....you are inevitably hit with the nickname stick if you hang around long enough.)

While I am, Danielle Rae (Rae after my Dad, Ray) I go by Dani. My sister Andrea, goes by Annie. My sister Dennise, goes by Neese and my sister Nicole, is called Nic. My mom doesn`t even go by her given first name, (Which is Lillian) but instead goes by her middle name, Carol. (My uncle and my brother in law also go by their middle names. Perhaps its a generational thing..who knows.)

Elijah is very particular with his names for people. Ever since he began talking he has given people alternate names. He calls my Auntie, `Mother`. He gave her this name very early on and he doesn`t even know who we are talking about if we say, Auntie Teresa. He calls my sister Nicole, Auntie FiFi. This started when he was partially deaf. In stead of Nicci, he heard FiFi and it stuck. (I encouraged this name. It cracks me up!!) Jessie is Sissy and Steph is Sassy. Grandpa Jack is, Grandpa Jackson. Its just something he has always done..and will probably continue to do!! (Luckily no one has seemed to mind yet!! Except for that time he called his Kindergarten teacher, Miss Poopey Pants. I don`t think she much cared for his alternate name for her!!)

So poor Lij will never be Flame. But when he`s older Im sure he will appreciate the significance of his name more. :) Though it would not surprise me in the least if his first son (or daughter!!) is named, Flame!! In which case...I think it would be perfect!!

xo
d

Gullivers Travels

2011-07-08T10:09:00.000-07:00

So because my life isn't busy enough and because I enjoy torturing myself to the point of insanity, we decided to add a new member to the family!! A 10 week old, German Shepard, husky, st. Bernard cross, named "Gulliver." I would like to mention that they didn't tell us about the possible, "st. Bernard" until we were there to pick him up and bring him home. (Bastards!!)
This puppy has been in the works for a long time. Elijah has been begging for a dog since he has been 5. We had had a not so pleasant experience with a previous dog.. (a terrier, poodle, hypo allergenic little thing that had no brains in its head what so ever!!!) so I was really not ready at all to do the puppy thing again. But as time went on and I did more research about special needs kids and animals/animal therapy, the benefits seemed to outweigh the negatives. So we started babysitting Julius when my parents went away on holidays, read puppy/dog training books and made lists of responsibilities that went along with a dog. (Including, but not limited to, Poop pick up.) Lij assured us he was ready. I balked. But in the end we ended up promising that once summer came, he would have a dog.
We decided to find a dog through AARCS. They rescue animals and place them in foster homes until they are ready to be adopted. And this is how we got Gulliver. Lij was instantly taken with his puppy. Impressively, he started to care for him with skill and knowledge that even I didn't know he had!! I was just glad that the dog seemed to be house trained and wasn't peeing everywhere on the first day. However...that was the FIRST day. The "honeymoon" period. And the honeymoon only lasts so long.
Within a couple days I was remembering why the puppy stage sucks. (Lucky for the animal..when they are babies, they are cute. This ensures their survival.) Key to remember is that this is ALSO the first week of summer holidays. Ive been trying to keep the kids occupied and entertained so that they don't kill each other out of boredom. This is a surprisingly arduous task!! So by midweek Im crabby, hot, tired of trying to come up with ideas that Lij shoots down at every turn, ("I don't want to do that. Im to tired. I don't feel like it. I want to buy something instead. I need something funner." ARGH) hormonal (hurray for period week! :P ) and just tired!!!! I have to get used to having both kids and a DOG at home all day again. AND in the midst of all this Im in the process of potty training Rhys. (Cause theres not enough on my plate. This needs to be done, but perhaps, like my mom suggested...I was a dumb ass to wait until summer when there was already heaps of other things going on.) So not only am I potty training Rhys, Im training the dog to. It seems as though Rhys is smarter than the dog because she is catching on marvelously. She has been a dream to train, in comparison to her brother...who almost rendered me unconscious from frustration and despair when I was trying to train him.
So yesterday Rhys walks up to me and says, "Yukka. Pooped." Gleefully my heart leaps as I think she is talking about herself!!! (For those of you who aren't in the "know" with our ridiculous family...Rhys goes on a poo strike once every couple of months. She refuses to poop for 5 days...which makes the 5th day and days leading up to it, a literal hell on earth. She is so uncomfortable by this time that she can't eat, she is miserable and all she does is wander around whimpering and trying NOT to poop out of, what I can only imagine, is fear. Not that I blame her. I wouldn't want to poop a "brick" either. This trick of hers, holds me hostage to the house for sometimes, days...waiting for her to do the dastardly deed.) Back to my excitement....here I thin she is coming to ME to tell me that she FINALLY POOPED. "You pooped Rhys??"
She shakes her head.
"No. I no poop."
I sigh and let go of my excitement.
"Puppy pooped."
UGD!!
"Puppy pooped?" I asked. She nods her head. "Baaaaaaaaaaad Gog."
"Show me WHERE he pooped!!!" I say and she purposefully leads me down the stairs. When I enter the basement (HOPING that she is wrong about the poop.) I see two big piles of poop and 3 puddles spread out through the living room. Im instantly annoyed because in the middle of all the carnage is Lijie, happily playing his XBOX.
"LIJ. Your dog POOPED." I say in exclamation.
"He did?" he asks, half interestedly, never taking his eyes off the TV.
"YES" I roar.
Lij is uninterested. I retrieve the Lysol wipes and approach the first pile when I notice that....its sort of squished and flattened down and there is what looks to be a FOOTPRINT in the center of it. I gasp. I look over at Rhys and she is looking at the bottom of her bare foot saying, "Yukka. Poop. Bad Gog."
She had STEPPED IN IT. Not only had she stepped in it, but she had stepped in it and walked all over the HOUSE. Im frozen in disgust and horror. My anxiety about all things "germs" kicks into high gear and adrenaline courses through my veins.
I rush over and pick up Rhys and stand there with her...not quite sure what to do. On the one hand..there is POOP on the floor. On the other hand, there is POOP on my daughter!!!!!! Which do I disinfect FIRST?? Oh my GOD!!
I decide that I have to take care of the baby first. So I run her upstairs to the bathroom sink and begin the process of de-pooping her foot!!!! Disgusting. Can I wipe her off with a lysol wipe?? Then spray her down with lysol spray?? UGD!!!!
With antibacterial soap and a facecloth (that I plan on throwing away when Im done with it..) I set about scrubbing her foot...making mental notes that I have to now disinfect the sink and surrounding area. I clean up Rhys's foot and put her in the bathtub. I go to grab a towel and the shampoo and more lysol wipes and come back to the bathroom. Ive been gone MAYBE 45 seconds. Rhys waves at me as I approach her and she says, " HAHAHA. I peeeewped!!" Say what?
I look in the tub and she has taken her pull up off and pooped in the tub.
Yes. Yes she has.
I say, out load "Are you KIDDING ME?!"
Rhys shakes her head. "Nope. No joke. Poop!!"
ARGH!!!!!!!
I go to work cleaning the tub thoroughly and then washing Rhys. While I am glad that she FINALLY pooped, its over shadowed by the fact that...there is CRAP everywhere, my mind is buzzing and I can't clean and disinfect everything at once.
Once I get Rhys cleaned up I start on the basement. Then the whole house, every surface gets steam mopped! (And I had just steam mopped that morning.) By the time Im done my fingers have blisters on them from gripping the steam mop handle. Ive used bleach and 4 of the steam mop pads and refilled the water container 5 times. Not one piece of flooring has been missed. Im sweaty, blistered and still annoyed. But Rhys and the house are clean.
I institute 2 new rules. No dog in the bedrooms or basement. And he's going in his CRATE at night. (Lij thinks that Im the meanest person in the world for putting the dog in his crate when we go uptown. He's going to LOVE It when I tell him he's going in it all night too. :P )
Throughly DONE with poop and ALL things poop related (including STEAM MOPPING), I climb into a shower and try to forget that there is more potty training, of animal and toddler, in the days ahead. At that point, I could have cared less if both of them wore diapers for the next 2 years!!
Stay tuned. Im sure that Im in for more puppy fun!!!

xo d

Poem

2011-06-09T19:57:00.001-07:00

I PROMISE YOU WILL REMEMBER BEING HAPPY

Even though you hurt sometimes
And you struggle more than others,
I know that I’m the lucky one..
Because you chose me to be your mother.

Every breath you take,
Every time you hurt,
I feel it like its aching..
In this heart, beneath my shirt.

I know its not fair,
This place I’ve brought you to,
Every day you fight so hard,
How will I ever make it up to you?

I promise to be your voice,
And ALWAYS give you strength.
I will forever be your advocate,
I will go the farthest length.

I love you with such fierceness
In you, I feel overwhelming pride,
You’re one of my greatest accomplishments
You’re so beautiful inside!

When others do not understand it,
Or you feel alone, confused or sad
Remember the “string” and give it a tug..
We’ll figure it out together and it won’t seem so bad.

Your behaviour does not define you
You’re just trying to figure it out.
You have all these grown up feelings inside..
And you don’t know what they’re all about.

I could never put into sentences..
just how much I love you.
Words are simply inadequate,
To explain the bond between us two.

I understand you,
You have NOTHING to prove.
You’re brilliant in your own way..
Mountains you WILL move.

When others are cruel and your heart breaks,
Remember, its just their ignorance and fears…
They are the ones who are broken..
They don’t deserve your tears!

Impatience, frustration and anger..
I’m so sorry for my mistakes…
Sometimes I don’t know what to do
I just know..I’ll do whatever it takes.

I promise you will remember being happy,
One foot in front of the other, keep going..
It IS ok to be different…
Never stop your true self from showing.

I have enormous respect for you,
Your determination, your heart of gold,
Will serve you well when you’re all grown up..
Grab onto your dreams and take hold!!

You’ve taught me more than you’ll ever know,
Thank you for giving me this gift..
I hope I can do you justice..
Hold you up as high as I can lift.

I love you…to the moon and back. Xoxo Mom.

"I do NOT have OCD, OCD, OCD."

2011-04-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

**The definition of OBSESSIVE: 1. Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
2. A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion

**The definition of COMPULSIVE: 1. The action or state of forcing or being forced to do something; constraint.2. An irresistible urge to behave in a certain way, esp. against one's conscious wishes.

~I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder when I was quite young. Still a child. So you'd think, after ALL these years (since Im old now) I would have learned how to manage and control it right? Yeah....right.
Over the years I have been through a variety of therapies, trying in vain to change my broken brain that tortures me so. Behaviour Modification Therapy, Self Awareness therapy, Stress Management classes, Yoga, Medication, "Talk" Therapy, Group Therapy and the list goes on and on. Id be lieing if I said that at one point in time, the strategies I learned exploring all these different avenues, didn't help. At specific periods in my life...they have helped. But nothing has ever "cured" me. Nothing has made it go away.

Speaking of therapy...Ah Therapy. The basis for the majority of the therapy that Ive been in is "Behaviour Modification" therapy. Essentially, you confront your fears and learn how to change/control your obsessions. It takes TIME and alot of hard work and will power. It was impossible for me to even THINK about attempting this until I was on the proper medication. Once that had kicked in..then I felt better able to focus on working on the "isssssue". One therapist, years ago, asked me what I wanted to work on? I told her that I was extremely claustrophobic and would like to see if I could challenge myself to confront elevators. I hated elevators. HATED THEM. The thought of being trapped in one of these..small boxes that hang precariously from wire cables, was enough to make me hyperventilate to the point of swooning. So we talked a little bit about the fear of confined spaces and then she walked me down the hallway and we stood in front of the elevator. I thought that perhaps she was, you know....easing me into it...letting me "become one" with the elevator. She didn't say anything really, just kept staring at me and babbling. She pushed the elevator button and the doors swooshed open. She looked at me and smiled, grabbed my arm and literally SHOVED me into the elevator. I stumbled against the wall and turned around. I was INSIDE the elevator. Before I could really process what was happening I thought to myself..."ok. Perhaps she has a magic button that keeps the doors open and she is just trying to get me USED to the space. Was this a stunt elevator? A practise one? A FAKE, made for losers like me who would rather walk 34 flights of stairs than take the elevator?" The thoughts were rushing in and out of my head as I started to panic and tried to step out of the bastard elevator. Though, to my horror and shock the doors started to close and the sadistic therapist waved at me and said, "I'll see yah on the 5th floor!!" I was in there. Stuck. I frantically tried to push the "OPEN DOORS" button, to no avail. The death trap was already in transit. I pushed the 5th floor button..stepped into the corner and gripped the railing. Was she INSANE? I was going to DIE (or shit myself) in this elevator!!!! I started huffing and puffing, sweat was dripping down my back. I closed my eyes and tried to think of WIDE open spaces. But all I could think of was cables snapping in two and plummeting to my death. At precisely that moment I heard a "BING" and the elevator lurched to a stop. I swear to god it took 5 minutes for the doors to open. But to my surprise they did...and standing there smiling was the therapist. She had her hand raised ready to give me a "High Five" as she said, "WOOOHOOO!! You did IT!!!"
Clearly SHE was insane and needed a therapist more than *I* DID!!! I tried to remain dignified (even though I felt like I was going to throw up), straightened my shirt, wiped the sweat off the top of my brow and RAN out of the elevator. I felt like melting into a puddle of goo. My legs got weak and wobbly. I turned to the therapist and glared, cleared my throat and told her that I would NO longer require her services!! She could take her therapy and shove it up her bum! There was no way in hell, I was coming back.
So yeah...sometimes you have to shop around for the RIGHT therapist. But therapy can be really helpful. Ive seen quite a few that were decent, made me make lists and keep track of my obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviour. If you actually DO this and stick with it, it makes you very aware of your actions. Its so easy for us to just do the things that we are "used" to doing. We are accustomed to them, so we do it without any thought. When you are forced to stop, take a moment and write it down before you do it...it does make you think. I had a therapist who wanted me to write down EVERY TIME I was going to wash my hands, then set a timer for 10 mins and wait for the timer to go off before I followed through and actually washed them. At first it felt torturous...after doing it for awhile I just didn't have time anymore to wait the 10mins and Id eventually forget about it. Which was the point of the activity I guess!! Score 1 point for that therapist!! The latest man that Ive been seeing, I really do quite enjoy him. He doesn't take any of my crap..so perhaps that's why I admire him so. I can also ask him such questions as: "Are you sure that Im not REALLY crazy? Are you sure that if I take THIS medication with THAT medication that Im not going to get Serotonin Syndrome? But are you REALLY sure? Am I the WORST case you've ever seen? Do you think that Im unfixble? What if YOUR diagnosis is WRONG?" and he actually takes the time to answer me and takes my fears and concerns seriously! Either that, or he laughs at me. Which in a bizarre way kind of makes me feel better.
(Dani): "But what if I am so broken and crazy that YOU can't even fix me?? What if I snap and do something REALLY bizarre? Then WHAT??"
(Dr.B): *laughing his ethnic laugh* "Ooh Dear. You so silly! Broken? No No. Trust me. We fix you. You fine. No snapping, all is good! You so silly!!"

Probably now, because my life feels a bit out of control, it makes sense that this old friend has returned. I can feel it creep up on me. It always starts out with "hand washing"...which seems pretty harmless right? I mean, they ENCOURAGE you to wash your hands and "break the chain of infection transfer." So I wash my hands. Upwards of 25 times a day. (When its at its worst) However this doesn't count all the times that I use hand sanitizer. (I would like to kiss the person who invented this stuff.) If I touch a bank machine, door handle, money, debit machine key pad, stair railing, light switch...pretty much ANYTHING that "someone else" could have touched..then I have to break out the sanitizer and bathe myself in it. My children know to automatically put their hands out when I get that life saving bottle out of my purse and brandish it with force and purpose. My husband is right...its pathetic. (I make him use it to!!!) I don't even know exactly what it is Im worried about. Logically I know that we've all been living for thousands of years together. People crammed together...breathing each others air, touching the same things, sneezing on each other, etc etc. Nothing EARTH shattering has happened as of yet. (Unless you count the Black Plague....H1N1....and various other pandemics..that haunt me in my dreams.) Its just that I can't stop myself from having an illogical fear of germs and illnesses. (Especially...the stomach flu. *shudder*) So to make myself feel better, to make myself feel safe, I routinely follow a strict pattern of bizarre behaviours. It puts my mind at ease. And makes me look like a freak.

My mind will get stuck on ONE thought and chew on it, until it chokes. This inevitably sends me into a panic. Ridiculous thoughts. I will be randomly walking in the store and think, "What would happen if I picked up this plate and just smashed it all over the floor?". I know I won't. But I can't get the thought out of my head. More morbidly, "What if I drowned the family pet in the bathtub?"
**(I wanted to add that so MANY people are plagued by such/similar morbid thoughts. At first I was completely aghast at myself for the bizarre and disturbing thoughts that would just pop into my head. I have talked extensively with other OCD sufferers and it is NOT at all uncommon to have obsessive thoughts about such things. Its just never talked about because people are so embarrassed or ashamed..assuming that there is something REALLY wrong with them. One mom was continually overwhelmed with thoughts such as,"What if I snap and drown my kids in the tub?" "What if I shove my son down the stairs?" "What if I casually leaned over and threw the baby off the deck??" Never in a million years would she ever have DONE these things. But the thoughts ran through her head all the time. She felt like a freak, not understanding that it was pretty normal to have obsessive thoughts of this nature!)
Or even sillier things...if Im driving and I go over a bump in the road..I think.."Did I run over someone? Did I plow right over them and not realise that I did it?" And then I have to stop and LOOK and make sure that there isn't a dead person smashed up against my bumper. I am constantly worried that I have/am going to just walk out of the house to do an errand and leave Rhys behind. I look in the rear view mirror 14,000 times in the span of 10 mins JUST to make sure she's back there, strapped into her car seat. Or I will obsess about smothering Launi in his sleep...with a pillow. I know I won't. BUT WHAT IF? What if I just turn the wheel and drive my car off the bridge? I open the dishwasher...and see clean dishes. I know I put the dishes through a wash...but..but...what IF I didn't turn it on and I just THINK I did? What if I put the dishes away dirty? What if they have MEAT remnants on them? I better re-wash the dishes JUST to make sure!! Checking and "re-checking" used to be a problem for me as well. I knew that I had locked the front door. But what if I didn't? Better check it. And re-check it later JUST to make sure. :P I obsess about the flu (as I mentioned) and throwing up. I don't know why. I can't explain it. Maybe its because when I was in grade 4 I barfed all over a boy standing next to me during circle time in music class!! I don't know. I can't figure that one out. Its just my "Thing". I also have constant thoughts of spontaneously aquiring schizophrenia. Im pretty sure that at some point in time I am going to start hearing voices!!!! What if?

Don't even get me started on my "Meat Phobia". Ive had it forever. I don't remember a time when I didn't have issues with meat. Again, I can't even really pinpoint what my problem is with it. If its raw...and undercooked its an e-coli disaster waiting to happen. I don't touch it, I don't LIKE to touch it and if I HAVE to touch it and cook it...I follow a strict clean up routine afterwards. (Loser anyone?) This includes a disinfectant cleaner that I have to use on EVERY surface that has come into contact with the meat....ok and even if it hasn't come in contact with the actual MEAT itself, it must be thoroughly cleaned. Preferably with BLEACH. After all, what IF some microscopic glob of meat juice flew through the air and landed on the counter and I didn't notice? And what if...I went to make a sandwich and set the bread in the glob? What if it landed on the clean plate.. (12 feet away) and GOD FORBID we ATE off of it? To prepare meat I use tongs, forks and rubber gloves. We don't throw the meat around freely, we don't pound it, we don't MIX it with anything..we don't let it MELT or THAW..we cook it frozen in a chunk. Its safer that way. I don't cook alot of meat because it takes me half an hour to get it safely out of the pkg and into the oven and another half an hour to clean up after. HARDLY worth it. Plus I am obsessed about it not being cooked thoroughly...so I inevitably burn it...just to make sure. After Ive followed my "routine" (which also involves washing my hands at least 5 times during the process of unwrapping, forking or tonging the meat into the dish and then putting it into the oven.) then I have to cap it all off with, my personal favorite, the STEAM CLEANER. My heart races at the sight of steam. So simple, yet hot enough..it kills every germ known to man!!!!! (And its not poisonous!! Mother nature kicks ass!!) Once I give everything a good once over with the steamer, killing all foe in my path..then I feel confident enough to walk away and not obsess. I didn't feed Elijah meat until he was 2. (However, unbenounced to me, my Dad had been feeding him meat behind my back since he was a year old!!!) It wasn't for any other reason than I didn't want him to get some sort of food poisoning. I was convinced that I was protecting him. Later on (probably around the same time I came upstairs and caught my Dad feeding him bacon...) I realised how ridiculous I was being...and now Lij is 8 and his diet is 75% meat!!!!!
(I still don't like the kids eating take out chinese food meat. It just....bothers me!! Ugd!! I can't keep Lij out of it because he just scoffs at me and tells me to "Stop worrying so much and annoying me!!" , as he dumps the entire container of dry ribs on his plate.)

There are so many different forms or manifestations of OCD. For some its..hoarding, for some its counting things. (how many times they flick the light switch on and off, for example)Some people need to repeat phrases before or after doing a task. For others it might be a relentless THOUGHT that plagues you and you can't get OUT of your head. Really..its all the same. It all starts with with a thought..and ends with us saying, "I don't know how it got this bad?! Why am I doing this?"

Do I look like a moron? Pfft. Please. YES. The problem is...even though these "rituals"...these behaviours seem odd to...neurotypical people..to me they seem normal. Time consuming? Exausting? Definate. But its the only way that things make sense to me. Its the only way *I* know to make the obsessing stop. Its quite simple really:
a)The obsessive thought leads to --->
b)the NEED, the urge, the COMPULSION, to do what you feel is nessecary to calm or quell the obsession. Its often a repetitive or illogical action and you KNOW this...you don't WANT to do it. But you are driven by an over whelming URGE to do it. For me..doing the said action, calms the anxiety. So you act out on the compulsion --->
c)*clap clap clap* Welcome to the OCD club!!
While other people will look at you with sideways glances and wonder, WTF is she doing? You find relief in your behaviours. Only to a certain point though...because the actions and behaviours only perpetuate the vicious cycle that is OCD. It keeps you stuck..it keeps you a prisoner. It keeps you going, "round and round".

For ME, the OCD comes and goes in intensity. Its worse when Im going through stressful times in my life. Anxiety makes it worse. And then the OCD gets worse and then depression rears its ugly head. Being depressed causes anxiety, anxiety causes OCD...and there the circle starts. Its all muddled together. It all gets mixed up.

If you are LUCKY..about 4% of the people in your life will understand. The others won't. Don't even bother. Educating people...providing them with information is good. But its kind of the type of thing that you have to go through, in order to "get". Ive had surprises along the way...people who have come out of the wood work and said, "OH MY GOD...I do the same things YOU DO!!!!!!" (This usually happens when people hear about how I buy meat. I steal plastic produce bags, slip them over my hands and use them as gloves AND..containment vessels!! Which means..I don't come into contact with the meat and the meat doesn't touch anything in my shopping cart!!) Other people walk by you and in the distance you can hear them hissing, "Mental.......disturbances.........". So, some people will get it and some won't. When you connect with someone who struggles like you do, embrace it. When you come into contact with a jack ass, just keep on walking and be glad you didn't waste your time!!

Living with OCD isn't fun. Its emotionally draining on you and other around you. Ive alienated people because of my phobia's. Everyone knows how I feel about germs so, frankly..quite often they avoid me. This goes both ways because..I often avoid people to. If I have heard you are sick, may be sick or are exhibiting symptoms of sickness then I will most likely choose to not be around you. When I spell it out like that it sounds so rude. However...I really don't mean to be. I cannot stand the emotional turmoil that goes on inside my brain, if I DO place myself in situations like this. God..did my kids share a plate or fork with any of the other kids that were sick? Did they spit on each other?? Share a sippy cup?? And on...and on...and on...it goes. Again..I feel it necessary to mention that when I am processing these thoughts, I realise that they aren't rational. I realise that they aren't logical. But I can't stop myself from feeling them. I can't stop myself from hand sanitizing my children repeatedly. (When Lij comes out of the school and gets into the van he must immediately hand sanitize. If we are out in a public place, both kids have to hand sanitize before they eat anything. If they touch railing, hand sanitizer comes out...) What is ironic about this...and actually makes me laugh is that..I have one of the most disgusting children ever. Lij, due to his sensory problems and probably because he is a boy and they are just gross in general, has done the most horrifying things that he could possibly do..to a crazy mother, such as myself. He eats gum that he's pulled out from underneath a table. He scratches his arse and then eats with his hands. He licks things: railings, windows, rocks, shoes, (I could go on and on..and on.) Surprisingly, he hasn't died yet from some horrifying disease. (Maybe all his grossness has buffed up his immune system...) I really struggled with sending him to public school. Because, as you know...schools (or any gathering place for children) are a petri dish. But I had to be really STRICT with myself when it came to this issue. Because its MY issue. And I don't want my son to suffer...or think that what I do, is how most people behave. Because honestly...it isn't. So I availed myself to the knowledge that yes...he was going to go to school with other dirty, sticky, sick children. He was going to share pencils, erasers and germs with them. And there is nothing that I can reasonably do to control or prevent it. (I tried to send him to school with his OWN hand sanitizer and told him to use it FREQUENTLY. It lasted about two days before he decided to give it away to some girl who thought it smelled "pretty". He had no use for it. May as well give it to someone who appreciated it!!!)

I largely joke about my own OCD because its either that, or cry. I try to find the "Ha Ha" in it but really..it can be a devastating condition to live with. It is a horrible feeling to become a slave to your obsessions. Its emotionally and physically draining because your mind is constantly on over drive. It never shuts off. I find the anxiety one of the most difficult things to deal with because my anxiety about things, fuels my OCD. And causes me to avoid alot of everyday things. Contact with people, enjoying cooking, spending more time with my friends and family and less cleaning things. I find that I am always on guard and constantly worried about what MIGHT happen? Its a ridiculous way to live your life. You are never in the moment...you are never present with other people..you are so preoccupied with what is going on inside of yourself and what you are feeling, that you miss out on spontaneous moments that can bring joy!! I want to enjoy watching my kids play at the park. Not go there and feel the overwhelming urge and desire to Lysol EVERY single inch of the play structure. I think that just being relaxed is what I miss the most. Just feeling as ease and calm about my life. That is what I miss the most. Instead I feel like I am "worried and anxious" 95% of the time. The rest of the time, Im hand sanitizing!!! There is a definite point in which you come to the startling realization that, its taken over. It had control of you. Nothing is fun anymore because you have to anticipate everything that MIGHT happen. It keeps you in a constant state of fear and dread.
Ive spoken alot about my kids being the focus of my obsessive thoughts. Trying to keep them germ free and away from take out "meat". (Thus saving them from food poisoning.) But in a big way..my kids have made me confront and accept having OCD. I mentioned that my son is a disgustington. He's in school all day now and I can't monitor his hand washing and gross habits. (Can't keep him from eating sand, or peeling a wad of gum from underneath the picnic tables and having a chew himself!) I envy him. He doesn't worry. He just "does". He's free.
Kids get sick, kids barf, kids do disturbing things like pick their nose and eat it. They eat things off the floor and get poop in their hair. They lick door knobs and trees. These things, Ive HAD to confront since Im the "parent"!! Ive also lived through them and lived to tell the tale!! (Which is therapy in itself!!)

So many people say, "God. Can't they just get over it and STOP what they are doing?"
To which I always reply...don't you think that if they could, they would? How easy it would be to just snap your fingers and make it change. I liken it to asking a cancer patient, "God. Can't you just get over it and make the cancer go away?" No one would ever do that because they realise that cancer is an illness and not one that someone would choose to have. Its beyond their control. The same is true of OCD or any other mental illness. No one chooses to have it. Its like any other disease..its just not always treated as such.

2nd in line, of things not to say to a person who is struggling with OCD is: "You need to go and get some HELP!" Yeah? No shit Sherlock. That's like telling a Unicorn it has a long pointy horn sticking out of its forehead. Stating the obvious alienates people further. As I said..a person suffering with OCD is usually aware on some level that they have a problem. But there is a big leap between realising you have a problem and then actually confronting it. Further to that, being emotionally naked and coming out of the OCD "closet" can be embaressing and make people feel ashamed. So instead of offering unsolicited advice, a hug or pat on the shoulder and the comforting words, "Is there anything I can do to help you?!" would be a safer bet!!

You know...I wanted to blog about this so that other people could see that its "ok"! I am not ashamed that I am weird!! I know that there are other people who live in secret. I know this because I used to be one of them. (I still to this day have moments where I think that I have to keep this part of my life a "secret".) So screw it...I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And if you do to, come on over to my side of the fence. (Its very CLEAN over here and germ free.) Bring your hand sanitizer. And don't be offended if I ask you to steam clean for awhile!

xo d

A Normal Family & Fashionable Pants!

2011-02-08T09:35:00.000-08:00

We had the mother of all mornings, this AM. Oh yes..we did.

Some of us, like to "rise and shine" earlier than others. Elijah's day starts somewhere between 5:30-6:00. (Depending on how cruel he feels like being on that particular morning.) This has been a bone of contention with me for awhile because now that he sleeps in his sisters room...he inevitably wakes her up too. Rhys doesn't do mornings nicely. (She totally gets this from me. I am NOT a morning person. If I HAVE to get up in the morning....then nothing better stand between me and the coffee pot.) She quite often wakes up crabby, being woken up way before she is ready to get up. She likes to sit, QUIETLY, wrapped up in a blanket for about half an hour, before she decides to have contact with any of us. (And God help you if you disturb her, are to loud near her, or try and engage her in any way, shape or form.) Do not look at her, do not breathe near her, don't get in front of the TV..and for the love of all things holy do not try and talk to her!! Lij usually takes advantage of her mood and tries to annoy her. (Though...this is happening less often since she punched him in the nose.)

Elijah wakes up the complete opposite. NOTHING about Lij is...quiet. Everything he does is loud. (And people tell me that he gets this from me as well. I beg to differ...but growing up I do recall my mother telling me often to "stop being so loud.") Usually I know he's up because the first thing he does is stomp like a T-Rex into the bathroom to pee, scratching his arse along the way.(If he was yellow..he'd be Homer Simpson)And on his way, he turns on every bloody light in his path. He pee's and YAWNS loudly a few times. Then he stomps into our room, flicks on the light and says, "RISE AND SHINE!!! ITS TIME TO GET UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Usually by this time Rhys is awake, wandering around howling because "her highness" has been disturbed so early and is mighty pissed off about it.)
The phrase "Bugger Off Boy!!" races to my lips, with alarming speed. (Luckily not PAST them.) I pull the blankets over my head instead and let his dad deal with him. He's much nicer and patient in the morning than I am.

Launi tells Lij to go watch TV for a bit because its EARLY...and its not time to GET up yet. Lij tromps down the hallway, bowling over everything in his path.
He's back 2 minutes later. (Instead of just turning the light ON this time, he madly starts flicking the switch back and forth, creating a STROBE light effect. Visions of a mis spent youth flash before my eyes, annoyance bubbles to the surface.) He loudly announces, "I need HELP WITH THE TV!! You left your MOVIE on." he sputters disgustedly, still flicking the damn light switch back and forth. (How dare WE watch something other than teletoon retro.) I know he knows how to turn the tv back to satellite...but like I said...he must have been feeling particularly cruel that morning. Im just about ready to fly from the bed and karate chop Lij in the wind pipe when Launi calmly comes to the rescue. He gets out of bed with a loud *SIGH* and goes to help him with the TV. Lijie prances behind Launi, snapping the band on his underwear. A loud SKIN slapping "SNAP" rings through the air. Lij laughs at his great joke. Launi pauses, looks at him. Lij puts his hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter. Launi comes back to bed. I can already see from the bedroom that Lijie is doing his morning calisthenics. (Jumping on the couch continually for 15 mins.) I hope this keeps him busy for awhile.
Apparently its to much to hope for. Just as I start to coast off to sleep (with one eye open.) I am jolted up by blood curdling screams. Trying to untangle myself from the covers (which have twirled themselves around my legs and my body pillow has become caught between my ankles) I attempt to run...but Launi is quicker. What greets us in the living room is Lij who has just stuffed his sister into an empty box and is trying to secure the flaps over her head. (Just bought Rhys a new carseat, shame on me for not disposing of the box!!!!)
Launi comes to her rescue. Rhys is still screaming indignantly. All of us turn and stare at Lij. He throws his hands up in the air and says, "WHAT? What did I DO???"

By now the morning is well underway. No one is happy. To much stimulation before a cup of coffee has left me snarly and Rhys still hasn't gotten over her forced confinement in the box. The only one who is happy, is Lij, who can't seem to figure out why we're all in a "Bad Mood." He's in his bedroom, happily reading a, Wheres Waldo book. (He is supposed to be in time out...but as long as he isn't around me making noise, I don't care what he is doing!!) I take him his clothes and prepare to give him a lecture about his obnoxious morning habits!
"Lij...you can't DO those kinds of things in the morning!!"
Lij is putting his underwear on backwards. I clear my throat.
"Lij. Are you listening to me?"
"Huh? What?... Why do we have to wear underwear anyway??????"
"Lij..you can't act like that in the morning. You have to have more respect for people. Everyone was still trying to sleep. The SUN WAS still sleeping!!!!"
"I know. You were all being LAZY in bed!!!" he says with disgust.
"We weren't being lazy. It was still time to be SLEEPING!!"
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Why are PEOPLE ALWAYS MAD AT MEEEEEEE?"
"Im not mad, Im just trying to tell you that you......"
"UGGGGH. You hate me don't you?" He flings himself backwards on his bed dramatically.
"Don't be ridiculous. I don't HATE you."
Lij puts his pillow over his head.
"Would you stop that" I say and uncover his head.
He sits up and looks at me and says, "HUMPH. Will I ever be part of a NORMAL family??"
I bite my tongue.(Literally!) I do NOT smile sweetly and say, "Not as long as you are a member of it, dear." like I really want to!!!
I rub my temples. I need caffeine. This is to much interaction for one morning.
I am formulating something ingenious to say to him. I am coming up with a Witty retort. I am ... trying to whip out a parental GEM of a lecture. But with no coffee in my system...my brain is useless. Im blank.
He is looking at me with a suppressed smile..waiting to hear what I have to say back, hanging on my reaction, hoping Im sure, that my head will explode.
And all I can come up with is: "Put...your...pants....on."
He looks defeated, annoyed even, that he didn't succeed in making me yell.
I walk back into the kitchen and Launi says, "Did he really ask if he was ever going to be part of normal family????????"
"YES." I bellow. "YES HE DID....... WHY is this coffee pot so .... slow??"

Elijah comes out of the bedroom in his "new" jeans.This is the first time he has ever wore them. His aunt gave him a pair of "Abercrombie" jeans. So of course, they are the height of fashion....with paint splatters, rips and everything. Lij is in awe of his pants! He loves the rips. The paint splatter spots make him happy.
"Mom...why do my pants have RIPS and paint on them???" he asks whilst admiring the holes.
"Because". I say, not really knowing the answer to that question. I pull something out of my arse. "Because they are Fashionable."
Lij smiles, rubs the legs of his pants and says, "Yeah. They ARE fashionable. Im a Rock Star!!!!"
"Mmm hmm." I mumble back. All I care about is that the coffee pot is ALMOST full, which means I can pour myself a giant cup.
I hear Lij skip down the hallway looking for his dad, yelling "HEY DAD. DO you WANNA see my FASHIONABLE PANTS??"

Moments later, Launi manages to get Lij out the door to the bus. I sit down and feel as though Ive been up for hours. Im on my second cup of coffee already.(And thanking the Gods that its a SCHOOL day.)
Rhys and I wrap up in a blanket and watch cartoons. We both are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and will need a LONG afternoon nap.

Sacrifice

2011-01-30T23:06:00.000-08:00

The definition of "Sacrifice" is as follows: Forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater value or claim.

Before I was a mother, I thought that I knew what it meant to be patient. I thought I knew what it meant (and how it felt) to love someone. I thought that I was a fairly "unselfish" and giving person. After I became a mother, I realised that there was so much more to these things than I had ever imagined possible.

Ive been spending alot of time at the school lately. Lij has been going through a "period of adjustment". (Which is just a "nice" way to tell you that your kid is acting like an asshole.) He's been having some major difficulties with his sensory issues. I don't know if everyone knows or understands what its like for children with any type of sensory processing problems. I guess in a nutshell the easiest way to explain it would be to say that every "sense" these kids have, be it smell, sounds, touch, etc..is very heightened.
(A therapist recently told me that if you are a kid with sensory processing problems, then school can be hell on earth.) Loud noises, brightly lit classrooms, echoing sounds in the gym, the way certain things "feel"...whether it be the seam in their socks of the texture of their shirts. These kids just seem to experience these things twice as much as other kids. What is very strange though is that...while sensory sensitive kids have fine tuned (OVERLY fine tuned) "feelers", they can also fall down 2 steps, skin their knee's, have blood on their pants and seem as though they didn't even notice that it happened!! Lij also has zero spatial perception. He can thunder into a room and plow over people, as though he doesn't even notice they are there! (And in his mind, they aren't. He's just trying to get to what he wants.) He doesn't understand "personal space". And his hands are always all over the place. Touching "things", other people..needing constant reminders to keep his hands to himself. (He thinks that slapping people on the bum is HILARIOUS. It doesn't matter how many times I turn crimson with embarrassment, remind him, yell or cajoule...he still does it. I asked him once WHY he did that to people and he said, "So that they know I like them!". ) People who aren't used to this, or people who have a large bubble around them...do not take kindly to Lij, letting them know he likes them!! I get that. Its overwhelming to have a kid slap your bum, stand next to you like he's attached with Velcro and play with your necklace...all at the same time!!

I feel like I live at the school. There is always a meeting or crisis or fire that has to be put out. Everyone is trying to get on the same page when it comes to Lij. Everyone is trying to have the same game plan and goal on the table for him. This isn't something that happens over night. It takes alot of hard work and dedication from alot of different people. Lij requires alot of special attention and care. He isn't one of those cookie cutter kids who adapts well to school. He never has been. He doesn't transition well from one task to another. OCD keeps him from being able to shift topics and subjects with ease. His mind keeps going back and forth between thoughts and ideas. He has a high frustration level which leads to him being overwhelmed alot of the time. He's a perfectionist..and if he can't get something RIGHT AWAY..then he deems himself a failure and beats himself up terribly. He gets mad at himself when he can't focus and learn something as easily as he thinks he should. He takes medications with side effects he can't control. All of these pent up feelings and problems..from the ADHD to the Sensory Processing issues, have made him angry and overwhelmed. Kids who have communication problems aren't likely to come up to you and say, "I am REALLY quite upset about not having enough warning before we switched from math to science. My brain is having trouble following and catching up to everyone else. Im frustrated and mad now!!!!!" Instead, Lij will throw a shoe. Throw his backpack. Yell. Try and run away. Actions are easier than finding the words sometimes. Especially if finding the words feels near impossible..because you don't quite know WHAT you are feeling.

Elijah see's the world through different eyes than we do. His perceptions are different. How he views things socially is different because his little brain processes things opposite of how we do. Social skills come naturally to most kids. To kids like Lij...they don't!! They don't understand "social cues". A look, a tone of voice, body movements, gestures...he doesn't pick up on them. These things have to be taught. He takes things literally and he is, at times, brutally honest. And that comes across as RUDE alot of the time. He doesn't mean to be rude. (In fact he'd probably feel VERY upset if he thought that people were thinking he was rude.) Its just how HE see's the world. As a parent, the "Mom"..I will admit that I have had a very hard time accepting this. You never want anyone to think that your child is anything but, well mannered, polite and considerate of others!! But what if your child largely lives in a world of his own and doesn't really see the need for other people? Or even, at times seems... oblivious to their presence? It would be hard to NOT take offense to this childs actions and behaviours. It would hard to look at him and NOT think, "Hmmm. Rude. Needs to learn some manners!" The very heart of the matter is that..he has a disability that makes him behave the way he does..its not his fault! (Hell...its not even OUR, the parents, fault! Though we probably won't admit that because of the ever looming feeling of guilt that presses down on us!) The root of the problem, I am finding is that...to look at my son..he looks like any other 8 year old boy! He looks, "Normal". The invisibility of his disability causes him to be perceived&judged harshly. (And again, the parents as well...)
If you see a child in a wheelchair, you wouldn't even think twice about asking him to do something as ridiculous as, walk up a set of stairs. In fact..the idea probably wouldn't even enter into your mind because you are "visually aware", at that moment, that his disability prevents him from doing so. He literally CAN'T. And its not his fault "he can't".So immediately we adjust our expectations and our attitudes. We "understand". We make "allowances". If you took the wheelchair out of the equation...how things "appear" to us, become quite different.
My son doesn't always receive the same understanding or respect, given to visually disabled persons, because his disability is often invisible to the naked, ignorant and uneducated eye. Why do we expect him to do things or behave in a certain way when he is LITERALLY physically, mentally and emotionally..unable to do so!? I am guilty of this myself..often forgetting that his disability does, at this point in time, govern MANY aspects of his life and behaviour. The more I am educated, the more I learn...the easier it is for me to understand him and make the appropriate allowances. It is so important to support and encourage children like my son..and you can't do that unless you are aware and realize that he does have limitations and legitimate reasons for why he does the things he does. Im not asking for people to make excuses for my son. I won't let him use his disability as an excuse!!! But that doesn't mean , or take away from the fact that...there is a real REASON for his often strange, unexplainable, seemingly "rude" and obnoxious behaviour. He has a disability. He has special needs.

And thus.. school isn't easy for us. Ive availed myself to the school and Lij as much as I can. My entire life is devoted to this boy and trying to help him become comfortable and successful in a school environment. And this requires alot of meetings. Sometimes you have a meeting so that they can tell you all the crappy things your kid has done that day. Those are my favorite!!
I almost make it out of the school and I hear behind me.."Uumm Mrs Richert?? Could we have a quick word with you?!?" I close my eyes to try and gain composure, resisting the urge to say, "Who the hell is Mrs. Richert?? A son named Elijah? Hmm. Nope,that doesn't ring a bell! See yah!!!!" and run out the door. Usually its you on one side of a table, and them on the other. Eyes boring into you. Faces searching for answers that they are hoping you can give. (Thats funny. What the hell do I know? Ive never done this before. Lij is my FIRST. And they broke the mould when they made this kid. I am greener than green when it comes to him. I know nothing. I just....guess, go with my gut and fumble along as best I can!!!)
"Elijah threw shoes today."
I ask, "At someones HEAD?"
"No No. He was upset and threw them in the corner. ALONG with his backpack." Everyone nods gravely around the table.
"He's also exhibiting some anger and frustration. And we've noticed alot of anxiety with him the past week or so."
I take all this information in. Let it settle in my mind and try to formulate some sort of an intelligent answer.
"I see." is all I can come up with.
Im really starting to be envious of Launi who is blissfully working away and not being stared at by 4 sets of piercing eyes.
They all stare at me , waiting for answers. The truth is, I have none for them......

You know when your kid is sick? And so you take them to the Doctor, he prescribes medicine and you go home, give the meds exactly as you were told to, make sure the kids get lots of rest and within a few days everything is better? Its over and forgot and but a memory? Its not like that with kids who struggle with disabilities. I .... am slowly starting to accept this. I can't fix what is broken with my son.And I hate that I can't make things easier for him. One day things will be going well..and I feel like we have taken a step forward. A step towards success....a step towards something positive. Then the next day, something happens...and we are 2 steps back again. Its a roller coaster of emotion. Im the type of person who see's a problem and wants to fix it. In this case...I can't fix it. I have to accept it and take it one day at a time. My sister said to me.."What is there to fix anyway? Its not like Lij is BROKEN. He is just different. He marches to the beat of his own drum. He's unique. There is nothing wrong with that!!" She is right. And I love her and my family and friends who realize this, when I don't. They remind me that......I don't have to make something better..when its ok to begin with.

While listening to list of Lij's behaviours at my last meeting at the school...I put my head down on the table and felt like such a failure. I know that it wasn't about ME, par say. But it felt like....everything they were saying about him, was about ME. From my position on the table, forehead resting flat in front of me, (not my finest, strongest moment!) I mumbled, "I hate...that he does these things. I hate that he acts that way." I felt a pat on my shoulder and a lady said to me, "Not everything that your son does is a direct reflection on YOUR parenting. You do know that right?" LOGICALLY, yes...I know that. But it doesn't matter. I still feel like it is!!!! Ive been done wrong when it comes to people and their perception (or JUDGEMENT) of my parenting. The lady went on to tell me that, if I felt that way, then I should look at some of the fantastic qualities and accomplishments that my son has displayed. "He's funny, kind, loving, very compassionate, outgoing and the work he has accomplished in spite of all the difficulties he has to deal with and overcome, is really quite outstanding!!! Consider those to be reflections on your parenting!"
I had to sit back and swallow that information. Perhaps she had a point.

I peeled my forehead off the table and felt so many things at once. I wanted to be left alone. I felt mad and misunderstood. I wanted to run away. I had no answers. I didn't have the words to make them understand. I appreciated their concern. I was annoyed. I felt like a failure. I felt guilt. I felt like I was being judged. I felt very emotionally battered. I hated my lack of answers. I wish I had MORE to give. But Im just.....so damn tired.

I smiled as best I could, told them all how much I appreciated their help and the effort they made to "understand." Tomorrow was a new day. We'd do what we did every day, start over fresh. The people in Elijah's team, at school, have been fantastic with him. That has been, perhaps, our greatest blessing. Where it would be easy to throw up their hands and let this particular child "go"..they have done the opposite. They have embraced him! They have been willing to work within the parameters of Lij's abilities! He has become part of the school's family. And nothing makes me feel more at ease and grateful than when they say, "He BELONGS here."

We all make sacrifices for those we love. Some perhaps, we don't even know about.
In the summer of last year, I had plans to return to school. I was so extremely excited at the prospect. I had meetings at the College with the "prospective" students admins. I had papers and forms and admission papers filled out. I was making plans for the financial aspect of it, figuring out how it could work. I felt like I was filling up my "personal well being" gas tank again. I felt like I had something for ME..to look forward to. Something that I could do to better myself and give myself better opportunities. I felt like I was working towards my personal goal of being an Educational Assistant. I was putting my goal and "dream" into action. It was something that I desperately wanted.
However, life often has other plans. As Lij entered grade 2 that September it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to carve out the time necessary to attend college. His needs increased ten fold and he needed "me" all of the time. In order for him to remain in school..I was going to have to be available
to them and him 100% of the time. I had to be committed FULLY..to modified days, changes in routine, New appointment dates and since he was no longer taking the bus and was leaving school at 2:00 everyday... I had a broken up day that seemed to have me running at all hours. Added to the extra stress, my husbands job circumstances had changed and our tight rope, no room for surprises financial state...got worse. It became very clear, very fast that....school was not going to happen for me this year. With this new change...it became obvious to me to that, I wouldn't even be able to work to HELP or contribute monetarily to my family. I was stuck and committed where I was. I couldn't do anything about it. I cried. There were so many things I wanted to do...and I just wasn't able.
Sacrifice. The cornerstone of being a parent. The very idea that its based on.
How bittersweet.

Im not mad, or resentful. (well...on bad days maybe I do feel a smidge bit resentful.) I knew what had to be done and so I did it. Without thought. Because I know that no matter what, my Son's well being comes first and always will. Its a promise you make in your heart the MOMENT you know your child exists. I had made it. And I didn't intend to break a promise...even if that meant giving 120% of me. Honestly..do we even have %120 to give? I steal from other places. I steal time away from me, my husband, my daughter...from sleep, from doing my makeup, doing my hair...my emotional and physical well being do not get what they need ,simply because..I do NOT have the time to give to them...if I am going to be able to give 120% of me to my son.
The stronger ones, hold up and help the "weaker". We sacrifice for them. Its how I was raised. Its why family is so important to me. Its how I have been raising my family too. We have a responsibility to each other. We take care of each other. I know its not fair for others. I know that I don't have the "balance" quite right yet. I want more time with my daughter and husband. So very much. I want to take the time to dye the grey out of my hair. I want to look less pale and smile more. But I feel like Im in the middle of triage right now. The most dire and serious issues/person goes first. We triage to "asses". Its how the MOST "in need"...survive.

Small accomplishments, make for HUGE joys. :) I see my son, fight and struggle for his accomplishments. But he does. Everyday. Getting joy out of life at the same time. He has taught us all SO much about perseverance and determination. Despite his trials..he still finds alot of happiness in life. Getting a new fish, reading a book, coloring, eating ice cream. The little things. And while he is anything but ordinary, I am very proud of him for being who "he is". I am happy to give...more than willing to sacrifice..for him. He is one of my best accomplishments!

xox
d

Stuck!

2011-01-15T08:54:00.000-08:00

There is nothing like winter in Canada!
This winter we seem to be getting ALOT of snow. Alot of snow + NO snow removal = stuck vehicles. :P

To quote Launi, "if you live in Canada and don't have 4x4, you are an idiot."
Well alot of us van driving moms don't have the luxury of 4x4. I will admit that it does make a difference in the winter. I don't know how it makes this difference...all I know is that the vehicles Ive driven with 4x4..are alot easier to drive in the winter.
However, now I have the van...(which I swore Id never have..). I went out the other day to pick up Lijie from school and it was like trying to navigate through the arctic tundra!! They have done NO snow removal on any secondary streets in the city. Plus all the assholes who live along that street, shovel out their driveways and put all the snow in the street. If you want to park anywhere near the school you have to strategically park in the drifts along the sidewalk. (And then attempt to get out of the drift afterwards.)
I was already annoyed because at the bottom of the hill for NO reason at all the van took over with a mind of its own and all of a sudden I was in the middle of a 360 in the middle of the street!!! I finally came to a skidding stop, backwards and sideways. (And in the process almost crapped myself!!) Needless to say the roads were bad, bad, bad.
I parked the van along the sidewalk and went into the school to get Lij. I came back out, got everyone buckled up and then tried to DRIVE away. Tried, being the operative word. I committed the ultimate sin. I kept trying to "gun" it, giving it LOTS of gas, tires spinning and just kept digging myself in deeper. *sigh*
I tried for awhile to get out. Backing up, going forward, turning the wheels all fancy schmancy. Nothing was working. So I finally gave up, sweaty and defeated and leaned my head on the steering wheel.
"We're STUCK..aren't we?" I hear from the back seat.
I don't look up from the steering wheel.
"YES."
"You shouldn't have PARKED there MOOOOOM. Why did you PARK THERE?" Lij barks are me accusingly.
I don't dignify this with an answer. Im also worried that if I open my mouth Im going to tell him to "Shut up."
Launi was working out of town so there was only ONE thing left to do.
Call Dad!!

Coincidentally, I was the 3rd person who had called Dad that week, to get them "unstuck". Unfortunate for him...he has a 4x4 and a tow rope.
I give him directions and then we sit and wait. Every minute and a half from the backseat Lij pipes up.."Are we still stuck?".
"YESS. Be quiet and watch your movie." I grumble under my breath.
Minute and a half later.... "Are we still stuck?"
UGGGGGGGD!!!
"YES LIJ. WE ARE!!"
Silence, followed by, "You shouldn't have parked there. Why did you park there?"
UGGGGGGGGG!!!!
I shoot him a "look" via the rear view mirror, hoping he gets the hint and stops talking before he ends up, upside down in a drift outside.
But he doesn't get the hint, because he is impervious to hints. And a minute and a half later...
"Are we still stuck?"
Thank god, at that moment , Dad drove up!!!

Dad parks his truck in front of me, gets his rope, attaches it WITH EASE to his truck and then approaches the van. (Did I mention its cold out? Like...really cold?)
Wearing nothing but his dress clothes from work, a leather jacket and a baseball cap he lays on the ground, in the SNOW and starts to fiddle with things under the van.
Guilt washes over me like a tidal wave. He is, after all...just a little short frenchman. He doesn't even have gloves!!!
He is trying to attach the tow rope to something substantial so that he doesn't rip my bumper off. But the harder he tries to loop things around things..the more things slip off and don't attach properly. Im standing there, freezing listening to things clang around under there. Occasionally I hear muffled, "Shit pot MARTHA" 's and "You dirty bitch" 's emanate from below. I try and find him gloves. Lijie's don't fit. I have nothing in the van that he can lay on. So he stays there, in the snow...shivering, fighting with my van!!! (Once I heard Lijie holler from inside.."ARE WE UNSTUCK YET??")

I offer to try and do whatever it is he is doing under there. It falls on deaf ears. (Literally and figuratively) I tell him we can all squish in his truck and Launi can come and deal with the van later. He doesn't listen...and continues to lay in the snow and shiver. Im about 4 seconds away from yelling "FOR CHRIST SAKES, GET OUT OF THE SNOW" when I hear him yell, "AH ha. Got it."

I get back in the van, (Lij pops his head up, "Are you FINALLY unstuck? Im getting realllllllly Impatient MOM!") throw it in drive and Dad magically pulls us out of the stupid drift that I am stuck in. HURRAY! Lij says, "Good. We are unstuck. Im hungry. Don't park there EVER again Mom." *sigh* Shut up Lij.

Feeling guilty I told Dad that we would bring him over a hot drink. He grumbles a man'ish sort of grumble, says not to..that he is fine. (Though...Im pretty sure that his exposed left ear, the one thats been LAYING in the snow.. is going to be frost bitten, turn gangrenous and fall offf.) I ignore his grumbles, thank him profusely and leave!! We stopped at DQ and I got him a big, steamy hot chocolate. Its a paltry gift...but it will have to do. The kids and I get to the house and Dad is reclined in his lazy boy, covered with a big fluffy blanket. Mother or PEARL...Ive killed him, Im thinking. I rush over to give him the hot chocolate....hovering momentarily, wondering if I should hold it to his LIPS and help him drink it.

The kids and I visit for a bit and then leave. I gingerly park the van in front of my house....afraid that Im going to get wedged in again. It has been a very long day...and I have a "hate on" in a big way for winter. When Launi comes home, Lij tells him alllllllll about how I parked "really BAD" and got US STUCK. (He really..is just so sweet to me. Rotten child....)

I haven't been parking in front of the school anymore. And if they don't start plowing the streets, Im going to go into the town office with a gun and threaten to leave Lijie there with them for the day.
xo d

Part of MY Story...

2011-01-10T23:11:00.000-08:00

Through this particular life experience...I have been blessed with compassion and sympathy. I have suffered silently with my own grief and watched other women do the same. I am not sure why this is a topic that is often shrouded in secrecy and shame, perhaps because of embaressment, perhaps because not everyone will view it the same way that "you" do. Perhaps because it is such a personal issue. Loss...however significant or insignificant..is still Loss.
This is my tribute. But its also my voice, which I hope to use positively and supportively for others.
If one woman watches and feels like, maybe , they aren't so alone...then I have done more than I would have done silent.
xo d

~If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think, but the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you.~

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Basement Renovations = Bad Paint Choice

2011-01-09T20:14:00.000-08:00

So...a long long time ago, I was having a leisurely coffee at my sisters house when my cell phone rang. It was Launi calling to ask where our mop was. (and I sensed a hint of panic in his voice, which is very odd because Launi doesn't panic. Ever.)
I told him where I kept the steam mop..hoping I could avoid asking why he wanted it.
He said, "No no no. Like a REAL mop. ONE THAT ABSORBS!!!!" His tone was frantic.
I sighed. Now I had to ask.
"Why do you need a mop?"
There was a pause.
"ELIJAH..flooded the basement!!"
"What? HOW?"
"Bathroom SINK!!!! COME HOME NOW!!!!"
And the line went dead.

This isn't the FIRST time that Lij has flooded something. One evening , Launi and I were sitting downstairs watching a movie when water started pouring out of a vent in the ceiling. That was another bathroom he had flooded.

To say that he does these things deliberately wouldn't be accurate. Well...maybe it's partially accurate. If only we could see inside his head.....

So I get home, race downstairs and step into a lake. I swim towards Launi (his pants rolled up around his knee's) who has unearthed an ancient mop from God knows where and is trying in vain to sop up gallons and gallons of water. Furniture has been pushed to the side, there are a dozen sopping wet towels laying on the floor and I can FEEL the laminate soaking up the water like a sponge. I asked Launi what happened and he said...something along the lines of:
"The kids were playing downstairs and I was watching TV in the living room. Rhys waddles upstairs and her clothes are soaking wet. So I bolt downstairs and see Lij, wearing his FLIPPERS and GOGGLES, splashing around in the water like a SEAL..completely OBLIVIOUS to what he is DOING!!"
It was at that moment that I noticed Lij was mysteriously missing from the "picture".
I nervously laughed, "Hah Hah" and said in mock horror, "You didn't mame the lad did you?"
Launi rested his head on top of the mop handle and said, "NO. He's in his ROOM. I told him not to come out for a long time. I just...can't LOOK at him right now."
I patted his shoulder consolingly. I feel the same way several times a week.

I start to take up foam mats, throw towels in the washer on spin cycle and attempt to help with the mess. In the end...the best we could do was direct the water, into the laundry room and down the drain. (I had called my dad previously to ask him if he had a shop vac. When he said no and then asked why...I said..."Lijie." There was silence and then he said, "I'll be right over." When he got there and came downstairs he was taken aback by the damage. However when Launi told him that Lij was splashing around in the water with his flippers and goggles on, Dad just about pee'd himself laughing.) We moved the furniture as best we could, into the spare bedroom and then went and did what anyone would do in the same situation. Poured ourselves really big drinks.

I guess Lij had used the plug in the bathroom sink, turned the water on and then FOR SOME REASON....walked away and left the water running. We knew we were going to be looking at some fairly extensive damage. Before we had even finished wiping up water I could already see the laminate start to bubble at the seams.

So to make a long story short, the insurance company come in and got working on our "claim". I could hear contractors in the basement laughing about how the damage had happened. One contractor to another:
"So was this flood damage from all the rain we've had lately?"
"Didn't you hear?" *laughter* "Apparently their son wanted to make his own lake..plugged the sink and left the water running!!"
Yes yes. Har Har. Very funny.
One man came in, shook his head, looked sympathetically at me and said, "Its so sad how how many people are being affected by this non stop RAIN. The flooding that Ive seen this week alone from the weather we've been having is just horrible!!!"
Yes. Hurricane Lijie has been a real bitch to contend with.

Lijie was eventually let out of his room and the first thing he said was, "Was what I did an accident?"
I said, "I don't know Lij. You tell me."
And he said, "I just wanted to fill the sink and then I forgot. Whats for supper Mom?"
*sigh*

Because Launi does all this crap for a living , we decided to take the pay out and just go the majority of the work ourselves. This led to a lengthy amount of time that lapsed between then and NOW...us getting our asses in gear and getting all the work done. We usually aren't like this. Usually we get shit done pretty quickly. Launi ended up pulling out alot of the drywall out that had been running along the bottom of the floor. We didn't want to take a chance that it had sucked up water in behind the insulation. The thought of mold and Lij's asthma made me leery. Plus it gave us a chance to do some electrical work. The basement (who had been the previous owners, "fixer upper") had a whopping total of 2 plug ins. So we put in a bunch more and drywalled it all up nice and fresh!!

Now we had a clean slate. And Ive been getting ancy to get my basement back. Lij's room is down there. His "abandoned" room. He has the biggest BEST bedroom of the house and he doesn't really use it for anything other than a giant toy storage facility. He has great bunk beds, huge window, super cool "hidey hole" with his own TV and couch in it. But he chooses to sleep with his sister in her room, on a blow up mattress. I get it. The basement is far away. I wouldn't want to sleep down there all alone either. But at the same time, he never goes down there anymore because the cement floor gives him the creeps. So he's always upstairs. Driving me crazy. (He skateboards in the kitchen and insists on bringing up his buckets full of lego and dumping them out everywhere. Not only do I STEP on them constantly but Im also always digging lego men heads out of Rhys's mouth!!!!!) The kids fight over the TV..they are loud and obnoxious and I WANT to be able to send them downstairs. Plus...when I have company over we're all crammed into my living room...its just not working. Ive had ENOUGH. So I initiated the trip to Home Depot to purchase all the crap we needed to get the job done.

We picked out the coolest laminate. Mom and Dad keep calling it "Black". But its more brown'ish than black. Its textured. looks like you chopped into a tree and laid it down on your floor. Launi seen the piece of flooring, touched it lovingly and was like.."Oooh". Tile was an easy pick. Id had tile before in my house and knew exactly what I didn't want. We picked black tile for the stairs and downstairs bathroom. Picked out a bathroom vanity and then paint. Ahh. Paint. The fun part of the renovation.

I had my colors picked out many moons ago. But at Home Depot, at the last minute I changed my mind. (Im such a woman.) I went with 2 blues for the living room. A dark blue and a lighter blue for the majority of the walls. We got home and figured we may as well give it a go. (Well Lij and Launi did...I went for a nap.) I got up an hour later and Launi said.."Go look in the basement." I asked him how it looked and he paused and said..."Um. Its really.....blue." (Launi is a man of few words.)
I went downstairs and felt like I had been slapped back into the 70's. The soft, greyish blue that I had choosen (or thought I chose) was actually in fact a vibrant, slap you in the face, HELLO TOOTHPASTE, robins egg blue. I looked at it and all the air left my lungs and I thought..God Damnit. Not again. (About 5 years ago when we built our old house, I decided to paint a room red. Well...it didn't go as I had imagined it and the room ended up looking like someone had gutted a pig in it. I cried. Launi patted me, sighed and said, "Its ok. I'll re paint it a normal color.")

So the general consensus is...the blue just ain't happening. HOWEVER..the darker blue I picked for my "contrast" wall..is lovely! So we are going to paint the entire living room in the darker blue and the disastrous blue paint will go in the bathroom. (Its not a bad color..its just not a color you paint a BIG space. *sigh*)

My awful secret is that...I picked a teal'ish color for Lijie's room (He calls it "Turquoise"..hehe.) got 2 gallons of the paint and I don't like it either.
*smashing head against wall*.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
However...I think I can make it work. Im hoping I can make it work. Lijie likes it..so I suppose thats all that matters. But its kind of picking my ass that it didn't turn out how I had IMAGINED it would. Grrrrrrr. I might take it back and ask them to darken it up a bit. I don't know. Im sick of fekking paint and we haven't even started yet. ARGH!!

Here is the good news: When we bought the house the owners, who were avid Oilers fans, had painted the basement in Oilers colors. *barf* Half the walls were copper.(ORANGE) The other half were navy blue. It was ghastly. So really...ANY color will be an improvement on what it did look like!! Plus..due to Lijie's "Accidental" flood...we got to make the basement look nicer and more to our tastes..without spending alot of our own money. (Thank you Insurance policy.)

So stay tuned...this renovation could get interesting.
xo d

No One Told Me

2011-01-06T22:53:00.000-08:00

Ok so...the start to my new years has been crap.
Just....crap.
Im glad I didn't psych myself up for flowers and fairies and positive change because it hasn't happened. Oh No. It has not.

I had 2 long and emotionally taxing appointments for Lij today. This is nothing new. My full time job is "Lij". Im used to running around like a chicken with my head cut off..trying to find someone who is a going to be a Guru on all things "Lij". Someone who will fix what is broken, understand him fully, shed light and insight, understand my insanity and still like us at the end of the day. Someone who doesn't scare easily and won't be horrified if Lijie wanted to lick their pen and chew on their desk top calender. Is that to much to ask for? Is it really?
I want someone who gets my kid, like *I* get my kid.

There have been so many people...float in and out of Lijie's life. Professionals, aides, teachers, doctors, therapists, surgeons, and I could go on and on. Some have been extremely helpful. And others...well lets just say...Im pretty sure that Lij's IQ and capacity for empathy,was much higher than theirs. Usually I can tell after the first appt. And ok...sometimes Im wrong, but not often. I have a finely tuned "mother sense". You have to if you are going to survive this roller coaster.

I have a 6 page document on my computer titled "Elijah". In this 6 page document is everything and ANYTHING that has happened to him since birth. Every injury, surgery, consult, Dr's and Specialist Appointment,allergy, Diagnosis and trauma that has ever happened to him in his small life span. Anyone who is going to come into meaningful contact with him, gets this document. I suggest highlighters to all who get one and that they READ it, so that they know what he means when he says, "I don't want to talk about my EYES." and "This one time at the hospital, they tried to kill me."
(Traumatic eye injury. Very bad. He had to be held down for an IV and it took them copious amounts of Versed and Ketamine to knock him out. When he came to...he reported that he thought we were trying to kill him. I can't talk about it though...I still feel crushing guilt over the whole thing. *sigh*)
There is just...so much to KNOW about him. And I feel this compelling need to make sure that everyone who comes into contact with him...understand him and "get him."

Im sure that ALL these people who I talk about like they are idiots (the useless professionals...the ones who in my never humble opinions ARE idiots.) have notes on me to. I imagine neon yellow post its reading, "OBNOXIOUS MOTHER". stuck in his files in many places. I can get very righteously indignant on Lij's behalf. And I know it. Im also pretty real. Ive had to learn to be. So I can sympathize with teachers who look rode hard and put away wet, when I pick him up at the end of the day. When they exclaim over his....determination and will of steel...and his very ardent need for control, I can look at them honestly and say, "Makes yah wanna slam your head in the door sometimes, doesn't it?" All these appointments and meetings can be really "Hope Sucking". (As my dear friend stated..) I get lost in a sea of IQ's, working memory percentages, what is "Normal", whats "borderline" and what is acceptable. Sometimes I want to tell everyone to take their statistics and percentages and shove them up their bums. My kid isn't a statistic or a percentage. He's just....HIM. These numbers and graphs and "guesses" most likely won't mean alot in the long run. In the grand sceam of his life, I am pretty sure its not going to matter what his IQ was at 8 years of age and whether he was placing above or below average on Dr. SnuffleGrunts intelligence test. I remind myself of this when I get monthly IPP's. I tell myself it matters more that he is happy and healthy, laughing and having fun. Enjoying being a kid. The other stuff will work itself out. It will come. It might come slower than others...but it will come. Everyone is a work in progress.

Im very involved. Im an advocate. I am his walking sandwich board. I am his mother.
No one told me how to be his Mom. I just am.
I bonded with Lijie right away. Which I always found miraculous given our introduction. 21 when I had him, I was a tad retarded when I walked into the hospital in labor, clutching my "Natural" birth plan. *snort*
I had no idea what I was in for. I did pretty well. I rode out contractions until I was about 7cm before they actually started to get to me. By 8 cms's I was in the shower praying to GOD that this would be over soon and not kill me in the process.
At 9cm I begged for them to just knock me out. And at 10cm when they said, "YAAAY. You can start pushing now." I thought to myself...are they INSANE?? (Not mentioning that I had been pushing for about half an hour already with every contraction...because I thought it would be a good idea to get a HEAD start on the process.) Thats when all hell broke loose. After 3.5 hours of pushing, the babies head getting hung up on my pubic bone, being dangerously close to a c-section..and wanting to die...Lij was born at 3:37am. I was a mess. But I was elated beyond words. I had stitches from hell and I was so swollen from the position that I had him in, that I became the hospital "freak show". I was the "woman in room 220 who had the most SWOLLEN front bum that anyone had ever seen. In fact, I was so swollen..that they couldn't find my stitches. (I recall a lengthy debate about whether or not the illusive stitches should be cut out and restitched. I told them "HELL NO." and the decision was made.) Everyone kept coming in for a "Peek". My moment in the spotlight had come and it was all about my front bum. It was charming.
Even through all that, and 2 weeks of living with icepacks shoved down my underwear,(I got my Natural Birth Plan alright..) I still fell head over heels, hopelessly in love with my son. Instantly.

We've been through alot the past couple of years. And thusly, we've formed this connection that I can't even put into words. I always know when he is upset or going through something challenging. I don't even have to be there and I can feel it. I always listened to stories that other moms had about their intuition and their spiritual bonds and telepathic connections with their kids and I thought it was crap. Turns out *I* was totally wrong and going to get taught a huge lesson.
Since my son is at school all day, I am home with my 2.5 year old daughter. And she still naps, so ....I still follow the rule that when the baby naps, mommy naps!! (Don't judge me, I am an insomniac and sleep maybe 3 consecutive hours at night, IF Im lucky.) I started having these dreams about Lij during nap times...dreams that he was in trouble or terrible "peril". I had lost him, or the school was being bombed and I couldn't get to him...he had been kidnapped, he had been in a bus accident..etc. All the dreams have a common theme. He needed me and I wasn't there.
I would wake up from these dreams hyperventilating and on the verge of a stroke. And the 3 times Ive had these dreams, I wake up and with in 15mins Ive gotten a call from the school that I need to come and pick Lijie up because, "He's had an incident" or he's "crying for me" ...he needs me in some way!! No word of a lie.
Every time I have that dream I know that it means that I am picking up on his discomfort in some way...and that he needs me. It is the weirdest, coolest thing that I have ever experienced. I might not believe it , were it not actually happening to ME! Lij says its because our hearts are connected by an invisible string and that even if Im not there, all he has to do is tug the "string" and he "can feel the love." That explanation is good enough for me!!!
Even though we butt heads alot, because he gets his stubbornness from me..I still feel like I "get him" in a way that alot of other people don't. I guess its because when you are a mother you learn to accept things as they are. You see your children, you deal with their issues, their faults, their personalities and you naturally start to understand them as little people. When you have a kid with a disability you accept that the disability produces symptoms and behaviours that are exhausting to deal with and can make you loony on a good day...but you understand its something else fueling their actions. You remind yourself of this daily. You accept it. You come to terms with the fact that, they can't help the way they act sometimes. You can differentiate between the kid and the disability. Alot of people, can't do that.

Its really easy to get lost in this job. Its all consuming. Its easy to get lost in the shuffle and chaos of appointments, treatments, medications, school, and everything else that being a parent entails. Primarily I am a parent. I often forget that I am a wife, woman and my own PERSON, as well. I am lucky if I remember to put on a bra and brush my teeth before I walk out the door. This is so common..and most of the time...99% of the time I know that a mother gives willingly and freely of herself. Some days, like today..it gets to you that you haven't been able to do the things that YOU want to do.

I feel so overwhelmed with my "job". So worried about doing it right, making sure I don't miss anything, making sure I am available to do all the things that Lij needs. I wonder if I am doing enough? Are we doing to little? Pushing him to hard? Not enough? Does he have the right amount of balance? (Do *I* for that matter???) Does he need more vitamins? An organic diet? I drive myself around and around in circles wondering, information seeking, trying and giving. No one told me that this was going to be so personal. No one told me this was going to be so hard. No one told me that this was going to be so very disappointing and so very fulfilling. No one told me how much I would hurt, when he hurts. No one told me that my happiness would depend on his happiness. No one told me how much I could love someone. No one told me that this wasn't a job for sissy's.

Im only starting on my journey to. He's only 8. We have MANY MANY more years of this ahead of us. Some say it gets easier, some say it gets harder. I believe its a little bit of both. Its going to get easier in some ways and hard in others. Just like all things in life.

So..Im tired and its time to say goodbye to this crappy day, in which I feel as though I have accomplished nothing. I know that effort accounts for most of our brownie points in the end. In which case...I guess I did accomplish alot. Glass half empty or half full?

God I hope tomorrow is better. I hope Launi gets a paycheck that is over a week over due. (I will vent on that one at a later date...Oh yes, I will.) I hope Rhys poops.
I hope I enjoy my morning coffee and that I sleep tonight. Thats not to much to ask for is it?!

xox d

Embracing The New Year!! (Or at least "trying" to..)

2011-01-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!!

It seems like almost every new year I have had these expectations for how things are going to be. Bigger and Better!!! I will find a renewed sense of peace and calm. My life will slow down, things will fall into place...make more sense. The stress level will go from 100, down to 10. I feel stupidly hopeful and giddy with the prospects of having a whole year ahead of me to accomplish tasks, take on new things and become a NEW person!!

This year, I have no expectations. For as I have learned....life is a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. You just never know what to expect and try as you may, PLAN as you may, things happen. So this year, I am going to work on MY reaction to the unexpected things...and become one with "losing control."

Wanting, needing...to be in control is a false sense of security and "safety". This, I am learning, after YEARS of struggling, trying desperately to hold on to SOME shred of control, as my life chugged along (some days at freakish speed) day after day. Whats funny is that I never considered myself a bonafide control freak. And one night I sat up in bed, horrified to realize..that *I* , ME...was a control seeker. (Light bulb moment.) I did what I usually do when I have a moment of self discovery...I called my sister. In a panic, I told her that I had JUST realized that I was a control freak. And she LAUGHED and sarcastically said, "Noooooo. YOU? REALLY? You THINK?" So apparently, everyone was well aware of my control issues. Everyone but me, that is.

So I have one simple goal for this year. To "Let Go".
It probably sounds trivial to most. But to me, its monumental. So many things have happened in the past year and a half that have been so hard to understand...so hard to accept. Financially, emotionally, mentally...Its been a real shit kicker. I think what has been hardest to accept is all the change. I don't like change. I like things to be familiar. The same. And this year it feels like everything has changed at lightening speed. So instead of frantically trying to maintain control of things that I have absolutely NO control of, Im going to try and just..let things go. Let things be. Its almost freeing!! And terrifying at the same time!!

This year is going to be for my kids and hubby! (And I really do want to make more time for me...which sounds selfish...though I do find that I am a much nicer, patient person when Ive had a few hours to catch my breath and regain my sanity.) I realize that my kids aren't going to remember how clean the house was or how "organized" and scheduled their mother was. (Or attempted to be.) They will remember me actually doing things with them. Being silly and making memories. They will not remember the "control" I so very much coveted and tried to maintain.

So...HELLO 2011! Bring it ON!!
xo d

Macaroni Paradise

2010-09-21T20:28:00.000-07:00

The colder it gets outside...the more I want hot cheese.

So in my quest to make more "suppers" , I have been ripping apart magazines and lurking on the Internet looking for YUMMY, quick and easy meals!!
And what do I happen upon? ..but this wonderful looking recipe called "4 Cheese with Bacon Mac." Was it the "4 cheese" or the "Bacon"..or the "Mac" that sung out to me?! Im not sure. (Im pretty sure it was the prospect of hot cheese that did it...)
But I had to make it!!

This is in no way, shape or form a "Healthy" meal. Its hearty, wonderful and soul comforting. But NOT healthy. However I still get princess points because I MADE it myself!! And it turned out exquisitely..just as I had imagined!! It did run through my mind that I could possibly, attempt to make it more "Canada food guide" friendly. I could use whole grain pasta, light cheese, turkey bacon....my mind whirled and I realised I might be turning into my mother!! (I love you Mom...but I really hate whole wheat pasta. Its just...wrong.) I figured half the fun of eating was actually enjoying what you ate. So I came to terms with it in my mind, decided to add steamed broccoli florets, and call it even!!

I used pre-cooked bacon to make it easier on myself.(And..I didn't have to touch raw meat this way! YAAAY me!) And I used more than the recipe called for. I think it asks for 6 slices. Yes..can you believe it? A paltry 6 slices. I upped the meat factor, using 10 slices! It microwaved up all nice and crispy and saved me loads of time! PLUS..it tasted just as good! The recipe calls for 2 tbsp of the bacon fat , but since I had none, I just used a bit more butter!
The recipe also calls for American Deluxe Deli cheese. If you can find this ingredient at your local grocery store than I applaud you!! I had no idea what it was..or what cheese would be close in taste. So I did what I always do when I have a cooking snafu...I called Annie! After a lengthy cheese discussion we decided that "OLD" or "SHARP" cheddar would work. (Roughly a cup, shredded) And for the other 3 cheeses, I bought a mixture of Monterrey jack, mozza and cheddar. It worked wonderfully. I also didn't use the pasta it called for. I used macaroni, though it wouldn't make a difference what you used!(Just don't use WHOLE WHEAT!!)

The only issue I had with this recipe is that is requires ALOT of pots and dishes.
And you need to plan ahead a bit because it kind of all comes together at once, in the end. So read ahead and make sure you have your ducks in a row. I was flying around the kitchen like a chicken with my head cut off. But I managed to make it work. (Ive never been good at making the "timing" work for a meal. My potatoes are done before the meat, we eat the appetizers at the end and my rice is always still cooking when everything else is done!! Grrrrr) You could virtually add anything to this recipe. I had mushrooms to..but I didn't feel like listening to Lij whine about them as he picked them out. Onions would be a nice touch to. I kept the called for "onion flakes" out because I didn't have them. And I steamed my broccoli before hand so it would be tender!

~Mmmmm. She's a beautiful sight , isn't she?

~Going into the oven:

~Out of the OVEN. Hot, bubbling goodness!!

If you do not make this for at least ONE meal, you are nuts! :)
Rhys LOVED it. After every bite she would say, "MMMMMMM!!" She had 2 bowls full. Lij had 2 bowls as well. He is a big broccoli and bacon fan!!
It was a huge hit. It tasted fantastic and I got my hot cheese fix!

Another meal cooked! I ROCK!
xo d

CUT AND PASTE for recipe:

http://www.familycircle.com/recipe/pasta/four-cheese-with-bacon-mac-/

Personal Grooming AKA: Manscaping

2010-09-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

If you are a "Townsend", part "Townsend" or even have a tiny shred of "Townsend" in you..then you are the unfortunate recipient of the "Hairy Gene."

Lets just be frank. Some of us are hairy and some of us are not. *I* am hairy.
And Im sure you're all thinking, "Gee. Thanks for sharing." But I am not above sharing my tale of woe when it comes to this topic!! You'll all thank me at the end. PLUS, as an added bonus, you get a good "Lijie Story" out of it!

So Ive been shaving since I was 8. My mother insists that this is when all my miseries began. "The sooner you start shaving, the sooner you have to worry about upkeep!!!" My dad, bought me my first "Lip Waxing" kit when I was 12. ( I heart Dad)
And I NEEDED it. It was not my imagination. I had a moustache. At 14 I was waxing every body part that I had. (Even, as my sister insensitively pointed out one afternoon whilst we were in natural SUNLIGHT, my sideburns.) It was a source of GREAT contention with me. Why? WHY? WHY did *I* have to be the hairy one??
Perhaps I got a tad self concious about it. Which brings to mind .... my eyebrows.
At the age of 13, my sister convinced me that I had to pluck my eyebrows. Again, my mother said it was a bad idea. I was asking for trouble. Besides, "Your eyebrows are beautiful!!!! They look like they've been painted on!!!!" (I heart Mom.) But, my sister won because she said the word "BUSHY". She plucked my eyebrows within an inch of their life. To say that they were THIN was an understatment. She plucked them almost "invisible"!!! It was at that point in my life, that I decided to grow bangs.
(It was almost as bad as when my OTHER sister plucked her eyebrows and turned them into teeny tiny "rectangles". It was ghastly. She looked like a muppet, poor dear.)
For inquiring minds, My eyebrows are still "Thin". In fact, just the other day I was at my mom and dad and my dad squinted at me and said, "What happened to your eyebrows? Where did they go????". I don't know what he has been looking at for the past 13 years..because they have ALWAYS been this way, thank you very much dad!!!

So Ive used every hair removal product out there. Depilatories, bleaches, waxes, NADS, the string (when the masterfully twirl it and rip all the hair out) and even one of those mits that has sand paper on it. Yeah. Don't use those. Not only does it remove hair, it also removes the top layer of skin. And instead of HAIR, you have giant scabs above your lip. (Perhaps I rubbed to vigorously...who knows.....)

I was pretty sure that it couldn't get worse. Then I had Rhys. And during the pregnancy I developed 2 things: Grey Hair and CHIN HAIR. Grrrrrrrr. Chin hair is the ulitimate humiliation. Its worse than boob hair. (Come on. We can admit it. We all have a few "sprigs", that we exclaim over with horror everytime we see them.)Chin hair kind of sneeks up on you. One day theres nothing. The next day you have a long black assed hair thats 3 inches long sticking out of the bottom of your chin. I scream out loud when I see those ones. I also feel that my forehead hair deserves an honorable mention here. YES..you read that right, FOREHEAD hair. It seems to grow twice annually, right out the center of my forehead. Its white. (Thank GOD.) But it seems as though I don't notice it until its 2 inches long. I don't know if no one else SEE'S it, (though I find that hard to believe. Would you NOTICE a unicorn if YOU seen one?) or what..but its always my sister Dennise who spies it and gets great glee in laughing over it!!!
To add to my misery, chin hair is akward to "get at". You have to tip your head back, but still be able to SEE, to pluck. How does that work? It doesn't.
You resort to asking your niece to pluck your chin FOR YOU. And if she loves you (pities you) alot, she does it for you because she doesn't want you to live with a billy goats gruff.

Which leads us to Lijie. Yes. Dear sweet Lijie. He has been banned from taking baths because he is a very RUDE bather. I am tired of flooded bathrooms, the plunger ending up IN the bath with him, him using entire bottles of shampoo for his "potions"..and other sorts of general disgustingness and mess that he ALWAYS creates everytime he gets in there. So for the past few months its been showers. I usually just tell him to go and take a shower! He is old enough to forgo supervision!! (Or so I thought..)
Yesterday, after supper I told him to go and take a shower. He galloped off.
About 20 mins later (which was a looooong shower for him.) he comes out naked, covering his nether regions and proudly states, "I shaaaaaaved my pee pee!!!"
I laughed. And he said, "No really. I used your shaver and shaved my penis!!"
~Side Note: Lij has been having trouble with his hormones for about 3 years now. At the ripe old age of 4 he started getting pubic hair. And LOTS of it!!!!!! (poor lad!!) He's been to specialists and its something that we are keeping an eye on. But yes, since he's been quite young, he's been proudly sporting alot of hair, "down there".

IMAGINE...my horror. I had visions of him cutting it off. Foolishly, my biggest concern about him showering, up until that point, was that he was going to wash his hair with the vagisil.
"WHHHHAT??" I yelled and bolted out of my chair. "SHOW ME!!!" And he did. And yes, he did!! Thank god all the important parts were still THERE, and unharmed. But shave he had!
"WHY would YOU do THAT?" I asked?
"Well its YOUR fault MOM. YOU left the SHAVER IN THERE!!!"
Riiiiiiight.
"You could have hurt yourself!!!! Why did you DO IT??"
"Well...." he says, thoughtfully. "The hair tickles me. So I decided to get rid of it."
"Well....." I start..struggling to find words appropriate for this situation. "Just don't do it again ok?"
"Ok Mom" he says, skipping down the hallway , bare arsed, to get his jammies.

(I found out later, that he had also shaved part of his HEAD. There was a mysterious amount of hair in my shower and when I asked him about it he said, "Oh yeah. Thats from when I shaved my hair." Is there no end to the madness that permeates this house?)

You just never know whats going to happen in this house!!
xox d

Mini Meatball Sandwiches

2010-09-15T07:51:00.000-07:00

I COOOOOOOOOOKED AGAIN!!!!!!!!! :)
Im exclaiming! Its pathetic and I don't care!!!!!

I was looking around for recipes on the Internet. And I know that there are literally millions of recipes out there...but finding one that appealed to me (taste wise, as well as...actually having to "cook it" wise) was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I clicked and I clicked...and I clicked some more. "Nope. (click) Nope. (click) To many ingredients. (click) To many steps. (click)"
And THEN, I happened upon the mini meatball sandwich recipe. Bread, good. Cheese, good. Meat, gooood.

I don't know why it appealed to me. Ive never eaten a meatball sub, I knew I'd have to manually make the meatballs (which would require touching the meat *barf*) but I think its when she said, "Once the cheese melts, all will be wonderful in the universe and in your house!" that SOLD me. (Plus it had bread, cheese and meat in it. Did I mention that already?!)

First off, I changed the recipe a bit!! It calls for a dozen "Diner Rolls". And I knew exactly which ones I wanted. I envisioned buttery, flaky sinfulness. Buns all stuck together that you rip apart. Mmmm. The really SOFT ones. So imagine my disgust when I got to the grocery store and all they had were "Scotch Baps." *rolling eyes*
After I searched high and low and harassed the bakery workers, making sure they didn't have a bag of my soft, stuck together ones hiding in the back..I unhappily walked back to the shelf and picked up the stupid, "Scotch Baps" and tossed them disappointingly in the cart. My meatball sandwich adventure was not starting off on a good note.

I managed to make meatballs without touching the meat!! *YAAAAY ME!* With 2 tablespoons, I masterfully rolled out mini meatballs. I felt like Van Gogh..skillfully twirling and sculpting my "art"! This probably took 10x longer than just rolling them by hand..but it disturbed me much less!!!!

My kids aren't fans of "Potato Sauce" (as Lijie calls it) but frankly I didn't give a rats ass. If *I* was going to take the time to cook a meal, then they were going to eat it whether they liked it or not!! *raising fist*
~SIDE NOTE: I used to be the mother that made 2 separate suppers every night. One for us and one for Lijie. After 6 years of doing this (and my sister saying, WHAT ARE YOU DOING AND WHY? Are you INSANE?) I had grown weary. I would make a meal only to have Lij turn his nose up at it and ask for kraft diner instead. I decided my sister was right, I was insane and it was time to start making ONE meal...and one only. It took me a long time to say "This is whats for supper and if you don't like it, to bad. I am NOT making anything else." like I meant it. But the more I did it, the more I felt rightful in owning it!!!! Now, if Lij doesn't like something he will interrupt me before I even have a chance to utter the words. "I know, I know Mom. You're not a restaurant."
The other thing that is good about this is, he started to actually TRY things he thought he "didn't" like. The prospect of not eating at ALL , versus trying out the questionable supper Mom made....well, his man stomach won out!! I was annoyed, yet proud when he'd try something he "HATED" and then say with surprise, "Wow! Thats not disgusting like I thought it would be Mom!!!!"

The recipe calls for provolone cheese but try as I may, I could not find any in the store. (Im sensing a theme here. I need to change grocery stores!!!!!) So I grabbed a bag of havarti instead. Im not sure that this is a cheese that is similar to provolone in anyway...but I know from experience that havarti, on anything, is NEVER a bad thing.

I made Launi admire my meatballs simmering in the marinara sauce. In my opinion he wasn't near as impressed as *I* thought he should be. I had explained this recipe to him for 3 days before I actually made it. (I had to psych myself up!) So when he looked in the frying pan and said, "So...you make spaghetti with it?", I was annoyed to the point of growling back, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. You put it on BUNS.(Resisted the urge to insert "Retard" at the end of this sentence.) Don't you listen when I talk?"
(I get bitchy when I cook. Its a combination of my meat phobia and feeling overwhelmed by cooking. Plus Rhys kept hanging onto the oven door handle and trying to SWING on it!!! How in the world my mother can classify cooking as "Relaxing" I will never know. I feel like Im on the verge of a nervous breakdown everytime I cook.)
He says, "Oooh. Like sloppy joes." I have never in my life made "sloppy joes". I shot him an evil eye and said through clenched teeth.."NO. Its a MINI MEATBALL SANDWICH." What part of this was he not understanding?!?!? Perhaps the fact that I was actually cooking supper was throwing him off. He walked out of the kitchen and said, "Ok then. Well Im just going to sit in the living room and leave you to your meatballs." (In his mind, Im sure he added "Bitch" to the end of that sentence. ;) )

I assembled the buns and cheese and presented the boys with my masterpiece!!!!!!!!
Launi loved them. Rhys took one of Launi's off his plate and ate it. And Lijie....hated the cheese. This was easily remedied by putting his meatballs on a PLAIN bun. Everyone was happy!!! And I will admit, they were pretty darn good!! Launi said it was the "Perfect" meal!! YAAAAY MEE!!! :)

I am enclosing the link to the recipe (cut and paste it!!) because I think that anyone who has men or boys in their family could make use of it!! And it really is delicious!

And so...Ive made it through another meal. And it wasn't spaghetti or a casserole. (Though...pretty darn close.) Im starting to come out of my cooking box!! My mom would be so proud!!

xox d

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2010/07/16-minute-meal-3-mini-meatball-sandwiches/

Summers Past

2010-09-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

The summer is drawing to a close and I started thinking about summers past! I found this journal entry from the summer of 2009 when we vacationed in Penticton. I thought I would share...seems like a good way to cap off this summer! :) xox d

~SUMMER 2009~
We have been having an amazing vacation!! Even though I was sceptical about coming and was wondering initially if I would enjoy myself ..it has proven to be most lovely!
The weather here has been hot. Hot and muggy. When we were traveling here we stopped in Kelowna for gas and when we got out of the truck I was hit by a thick wave of muggy heat. I tried to convince myself it was because we were standing by the vehicle and it had just been running..thus the extra heat. However as I walked towards to store the blanket of heat still hung heavy. I wondered if I was going to survive the vacation. I don’t “do” the heat very well. And this was a whole different kind of heat!!

Our first night here was interesting. Dennise and Rog had the majority of our stuff in their trailer..(our truck was to small to stuff everything into.) So the blankets, pillows, boxes of food, playpen, strollers, etc etc was all with them. We had the basics with us and little more. It was about 7:00pm and Annie and I were getting the kids settled and the boys were enjoying a brew outside. We hadn’t eaten since noon and we were still getting used to the heat and the humidity. We’d all been driving (with KIDS) for what seemed like forever and we were very glad to have finally reached our destination. (And to finally have stopped hearing, “Are we there yet?”! We were only 5 minutes out of Red Deer and Lijie was already asking. After about the 900,000 time it tends to get annoying and makes you want to stuff your child in the glove compartment.)

That night, due to little food, way to much heat, not enough liquid and to many beer Launi ended up with a combination heat stroke/drunkenness that resulted in him blacking out and hitting his head on the truck/gravel on the way down. I came around the corner and found him passed out, face down in the dirt, bleeding from multiple scratches and gashes on the side of his head!! It took me a brief moment to get him to “come to” and when I did he was completely disorientated and scared looking.
We doctored up his wounds and made him drink a bunch of water. After he barfed he seemed to be fairing a bit better. He had no recollection of what happened. We made him stay awake for awhile and then he slept like the dead. Lesson 1 : Drink More WATER.
The next morning he was fine…ready to rock and roll!

Our first visit to the beach was at about 9:00 at night. It was fabulous!
Rhys wasn’t sure about the sand at first but she quickly discovered she could throw it and eat it. She crab-crawled along the beach because she didn’t like the sand on her knees. Great fun was had by all.

The food you eat when you’re camping is horrendous…..but so good. We’ve eaten our weight in hotdogs, hamburgers , Cesar salads and brownies. The kids have been running around half naked and filthy. Lijie hasn’t worn underwear since he’s been here and he lives in his swimming shorts. I don’t know when he last brushed his teeth and his face has a layer of dirty on it. But BOY are they happy!!! Once evening comes the kids are thoroughly exhausted and ready to crash.

Rog danced on the picnic table, Launi danced with his ass hanging out of his pants and Uncle B did his customary rendition of “Paradise by the dashboard lights. “ Later that night, after consuming one or two (or 5 or 6...but who’s counting anyway?) drinks , all of the ladies thought that a little skinny dipping was in order. Perhaps we didn’t think it out entirely…after all it was 1:30am, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Our journey to the beach in the wee morning hours took longer than expected. Police paranoia had us leaping and barrel rolling behind tree’s. Along the way we somehow managed to steal a plastic lawn chair from the campsite and drag it along with us. Perhaps this is what fed our paranoia. We were chair stealing criminals.

We finally reached the beach , which was deserted at the late hour. We shucked off our clothes and dove in. There are no words to describe how fantastic that water felt. Swimming under the moon and stars had some sort of a mystical, bonding feeling to it. (Dare I say it was almost ..spiritual?!! ) I felt contentment for the first time in years. So silly that it was over swimming naked…but I’m sure that the reasoning went deeper than that. The freedom, letting go of inhibitions in favour of camaraderie, the spontaneity….I suppose I had forgotten how badly I needed those things in my life. I suppose I had forgotten how to be “me”. After a lengthily swim we decided it was time to leave the beach. We were drying off and getting our clothes back on when 2 police cars came screeching to a halt in front of the lake, lights flashing. All of us were dressed, except for Billie. She gracefully wrapped a towel around her naked top half. Surprisingly the policemen were very lovely!! Bill asked if we knew that the beach closed at Midnight? Annie batted her eye lashes and said that we weren’t from “here”. They said they seen us walking down to the lake and thought they would give us time for a short dip. ;) We collected our belongings (and our stolen chair) and started to make the trek home. I carried my soaking wet bra back on a stick. However I lost my undies somewhere along the way..and still haven’t found them!!

We visited MANY wineries one lazy afternoon. 7 of us packed into the van, like sardines in a can, and set off on our wine tasting adventure. I personally, do not enjoy wine. But almost everyone in my family fancies themselves a wine connoisseur. So it was their mission to find me a wine that I would like.

There is a certain air of “pompous ass” that comes with touring wineries. It was fun to indulge in this for a few hours. I watched people swirl their wine around the wine glass and sniff it before they took a drink.
(Thinking to myself , “Pfffft.”) Launi explained what he was looking for in the midst of the swirling. They told me the smell of the wine is 50% of enjoying it. All I smelt was wine. I didn’t notice the “subtle hints of oak and chocolate.” I didn’t detect its “bold fruity flavour and superior vintage”. I didn’t taste the difference between the bottle of 2006 and 2007. All I tasted was WINE.

Felt sad for myself that you can’t tour a vodka distillery or go on “vodka tasting” at the Smirnoff plant. I know it sounds white trash, but I am definitely more of a stiff drink kinda gal. I supposed it means Im not “refined”. So be it.

At the very last winery , I tasted ice wine. Perhaps it was because it was a 09 on the sweetness scale , or because it was $55 a bottle, but finally I tasted a wine that pleased my palate!!! Launi indulged me in a bottle of the Maple ice wine and everyone looked very proud of me for purchase!!

One of the highlights of my vacation was floating the canal! Something I never in a million years thought I would enjoy, turned out to be just a fantastic experience! It was a joy!

The Dinner Table

2010-09-05T22:09:00.000-07:00

Ok so...I admit it! Im a lousy cook. And aside from not being good at it, I also hate doing it! Im not sure why, both my mom and dad are avid "cookers". Dad was always making some sort of a stew or soup! (Wontons are his specialty!) My mom lived in the kitchen. Still does! Up until my teenage years, we always had supper around the table "together". My mom is known for her interesting dishes. She was (and still is) always trying to conceal some sort of healthy, organic, yuckiness in the meal. It was not uncommon to be sitting around the table, everyone full from the food we'd just eaten and my mothers sing song voice would ring out, "Guesssssss what I putttt in ittt!!??" (Peanut butter chicken sticks out in my mind. My Dad was less than impressed. All he wanted was chicken. JUST CHICKEN. No weird sauces or concoctions, just a bloody chicken!! My mom looked indignant and said.."WELL...its an AFRICAN recipe!!") We ate tofu, tabouli salad, homemade fruit leather, potato pancakes and recently I ate brownies made out of....beans. Which I WILL ADMIT.. were pretty darn good!!! On top of being somewhat of an eclectic chef, my mom rocks traditional dishes..lasagna, meatloaf, french toast, cheesecake...and she makes a mean dill pickle soup!! So I don't understand...when I am BRED from such culinary talents,why do I have a "black thumb" when it comes to cooking?

Im not very imaginative in the kitchen. I like easy, one dish meals. I am the queen of casseroles! Meat, cheese and pasta. TA DA!!! (If you're lucky I might throw a handful of frozen corn in there somewhere.) The hubby and I have never been "sit at the kitchen table and eat , kind of people. Frankly, my hubby said it was one of the many parts of his childhood that he greatly disliked! And later on..once we had Lijie, it was such a fight to try and get him to SIT at the table and eat that as long as he was eating something, even if it wasn't at the table, we were happy!! Since Launi worked late alot of the time, I would feed Lijie early and then we'd eat together when he was in bed!! And that carried over to Rhys as well. The kids couldn't wait until 7 or 8 to eat. (Which was when Launi was getting home from work.) So Id feed them early and eat with him later on. And there is DEFINITELY something to be said for how the English have done it all these years. You get to actually eat and enjoy a warm meal!! My mother has been terribly unimpressed with me all these years!! But we started doing it that way, it became our normal and I kept doing it!!
But lately I haven't wanted to cook ANYTHING. I have the very best of intentions..but I fall flat when it comes to the motivation and follow through part. And since I really do dislike cooking so much, its easy for it to be the last thing on my mind during the day. So I used the kitchen table as a place to fold my laundry and store all my paper work!
Lately though, this flaw in my makeup has been bugging the HELL out of me. And maybe in some way Im craving the structure and routine that a nightly meal, at the table would bring. Plus, Lij and Rhys are getting older. And I want them to have kitchen table memories like *I* do!! Plus..its a good way to keep in touch! Talk about the day. So I decided that we would have some meals at the table..TOGETHER. I wasn't committing to doing every meal that way. But we were going to try and eat at least half our meals together and *I* was determined to COOK them. (Notice I didn't say enjoy cooking them..but cook them I would!)
The first meal we ate together was funny. (And perhaps a little sad..) Lijie said, "This is weird. Why are we eating like this??" And I said because normal people/families eat together at the kitchen table!! (Damnit!!) He wasn't buying it. It was cutting into his spongebob time. Since he has ADHD..he never does one singular thing at a time! If he's eating he has to be watching TV, or running a hot wheels car up and down the table or putting lego together or banging his fork against the plate..its hard for him to focus on one task at a time. So sitting at the table and just EATING..was daunting for the kid. But he made it through...(he whacked his fork against his plate, the table, his head, his sister...MY PATIENCE!) after he got over being weirded out. (Though he did still ASK if he could watch the TV from the table. Blech..) And the truth is, I don't even remember what I cooked. Probably a cheese laden casserole.
The next meal at the table was different! (And it took place a few days after the first meal!) Lij was up at the table ready to go!! (Im pretty sure this had something to do with the fact that I had cooked him spaghetti squash, which is his most favorite food in the entire world...and no Im not kidding. ) He had waited an eternity for the damn squash to cook and he was ready to eat it damnit!! HE even turned the TV off. We all sat down..( I wrestled Rhys into her booster seat..for some reason the little darling has something against the seat!! I don't know why, its pink and fabulous..but she wants to sit on the chair and make things awkward for herself!!) and Lij says, "HEY!! I wanna say one of those, "Amen" things!!". And then he looked at ME and said, "And I give the honor of saying it to YOU Mom!"
I was shocked!! I was surprised!! It wasn't that he wanted to say a prayer that was shocking. We say prayers before meals at my mom and dads house all the time. And growing up as I did, it was just something that was second nature to the meal. I was shocked that he asked ME to do it!! And I was surprised that it was something he had picked up on...that he recognised it was something to do before a meal, when everyone is together as a family. (As was a tradition in my family!) I said, "You mean a prayer?" And he nodded, whilst poking at his squash and said, "Yep! One of those! Say one! Everyone, close your eyes!!!!"
Talk about on the spot pressure!! So I fumbled my way through and Lij got his "Amen Thing." :)
So we're trying. IM trying. The cooking thing...is not my thing. The "family" thing...IS my thing! I don't know if , in the end its going to be something that sticks, but just seeing how Lij has reacted to it has made me totally happy! He said, "I like this!" in response to me asking if he was starting to like eating at the table. So that made my heart happy. That gave me more motivation to try and overcome my hate for cooking! The things we do for our kids!!!! :)
I figure that Im going to develop a very INTIMATE relationship with my crock pot.
I hear things, fantastic things, about "crock pot" cooking. (And Im so immature, because everytime I hear that I want to say, "crotch pot" cooking!!!)
I hear I can make bread, cakes and god knows what else in that thing. Plus I found crock pot LINERS...which made me insane with happiness. And there will still be a few nights out of the month that are pizza or pancake nights. Which reminds me...my Mom started "breakfast for supper" when we were kids. (Usually it was on a night my dad wouldn't be home for supper. Huh...come to think of it...I don't think Ive ever seen my dad eat a pancake in my life....) I LOVED..breakfast for supper nights! Still do!! :)

I'll let yah all know how it goes! WISH ME LUCK!
xox d

CupCakes

2010-09-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

So....it was a bad day. My 7 y/o "hyperactive" (and by hyperactive I mean he is a constant whirling dervish.) son has summertime blues and is, to quote him, "SOOOOOO borrrrrrrred!!!!". He is constantly reminding me just how bored he is too. I am understanding for the first 57 times that he says it...after that, I start to feel as though Im being pecked to death by a chicken...sllllooooowwwwly.
He was on his 117th "Im soooooo booooorrrrrreeed", when he decided that torturing his 2 year old sister would perhaps cure his boredom. He poked her, she screamed, he giggled proudly and poked her again, she screamed and gave him a smack, delighted with himself he poked her back, she screams an octave or 2 louder and grabs a handful of his hair...and did I mention this is all taking place in the back of my van while Im DRIVING? I yell all the things that mothers yell.."Stop it!!!! I'll park this car and come back there!!! You don't want me to come back there!!!!" but it falls on deaf ears and they continue to be rottenous to each other.

In the midst of the all the chaos, I am on a deadline, time slipping between my fingers like sand..to put the finishing touches on details and plans for my sisters 20th wedding anniversary party. (Which is actually a "Family Camping" party.) I have 93 things to be done and exactely 12 hours to do them in. On my list was ordering the cupcakes. So I whip into BabyCakes and place my order for 3 dozen mini's. Whilst there I pick up a dozen cupcakes to bring to a friend. I am SUPPOSED to be back in an hour to prepay for the mini's. (I left my "CupCake Fund" envelope full of money on the kitchen counter.) I write it down on my 10 foot long list and put a star beside it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So after an afternoon of running around, visiting, planning, picking up more stuff, more bloodshed in the back of the van from the santanic children I finally make it home.

**SIDE NOTE: A friend of mine and I had a coffee date together with the dozen cupcakes that afternoon. Sensing my impending snap show from the stress she very graciously sends me home with 4 cupcakes in the box. We dub them my "Sanity Savers".

I protectively carry in the box of cupcakes, send the children of the corn downstairs to play and decide that its of the utmost importance to hide the cupcakes. There is no way in hell I am going to RISK my husband or children finding them and eating them!!! So I finally decide to put them in the oven where they would be safe and sound until I "needed" them.

The afternoon goes from bad to worse. I am supposed to make 5 pumpkin loaves for the camping trip...and a huge bucket full of a Crispix cereal munch mix. Its getting later in the afternoon and nothing is getting accomplished and my head is ready to explode. I am sure I can feel a stroke coming on. My patience tank is empty, I no longer remember the reason I wanted children and my HUBBY, (god bless him) picks the crappiest time ever to call and say, "Hi Hunnie! Im working late tonight!!" Grrrr. Im on my own, fielding phone calls every 5 minutes about the anniversary patry. I figure if I can hold on for 15 more minutes, then I can lock myself in the closet and eat a cupcake. This will surely fortify me to bravely soldier on. If I can JUST make it 15 more minutes, the cupcake will save my soul...and save the children from being duct taped to the couch. I decided to start the bloody pumpkin loaves. I have 5 to make so I better get cracking. Im so not feeling it. I know once they are done I will be extra tired and want to shove the loaves up someones bum. However....I have promised pumpkin loaves and I must deliver!!
I preheat the oven, get out the mixer and start making the stupid loaves. I keep thinking about myquiet moment in the closet later with my cupcakes. Covered in flour (and annoyed, yet wanting to be a "good Mom", I finally cave and let my son HELP. He has turned the pumpkin loaf making into his own version of a cooking show and he's getting orange BATTER everywhere!!) and starting to twitch I start to notice that something smells funny. There is a bit of a haze in the air, which I attribute to the mass amounts of flour that has been thrown around. But I just can't figure out the smell...I open the dishwasher thinking maybe a plastic spoon has fallen on the element. Nothing. I open the door to the back deck, sniff the air...and nothing. Coming back inside after being outside I realise how STRONG the smell is. I open the lid to the stew I was "simmering". Perhaps I dropped the spatula in the pot and its melting to the bottom? But again...nothing. Its at that moment...as Im leaning over the stove I hear my son say, very nonchalantly say, "The oven is on fire."
Did he just say what I think he said?! Fire? In my oven?
I stand back and to my horror realise that yes, there is a fire in my oven. I open the door and there....is my precious precious box of cupcakes, burning.
I hastely open the back door..grab 2 pair of tongs, grab what is left of the box and toss it on the deck, stomping on the smoking box, looking like Lord of the Dance!! There is 4 burnt, melted, ash covered cupcakes (or...what look like black pucks..) ground into my deck and mashed in with the box. My sanity savers!! My quiet moment, alone in the closet gone!! How could THIS BE? HOW could I have done this to my CUPCAKES?? I stand there near tears, taking in the aftermath of the accident.
From behind me I hear my son stepping outside. He looks at whats left of the box, then looks up at me and says, "Im realllllllly boooooored."

Thought you might enjoy my tale of "woe"! Cupcakes aren't just cupcakes...they really can be what keeps one from crossing over the brink of "Sanity" to "INSANITY". ;)
(At least around THIS house...they are!!)

So...I have to find a new hiding place and IM Still feeling sorry for myself!! (Hubby keeps saying, "Just let it go already. They're cupcakes.") Everyone at the anniversary party LOVED the 3 dozen mini's..(which during all the commotion I totally forgot to go back and pre-pay for. Many, many apologies!) Every single one was gone within 20 minutes!!! :) It finished the party off fantastically and everyone was delighted with them. A HUGE thank you to you guys!! The party was a success and in the end I did steal 4 mini pumpkin heads and hide in the van and eat them! I totally deserved them! ;)

Very Near and Dear to My Heart...

2010-08-31T00:03:00.000-07:00

I was given a book a couple of weeks ago entitled, "The Elephant In The Play Room."
I devoured it in a couple of days, completely loved it and was immediately encouraged and inspired!! It has touched my heart and I want to tell you a little bit about it and share my story.

There is a line in the book that reads: " When a child has a disability others can't see, outsiders are quick to blame the parents for bad behaviour. I’ve heard them all; We can't control our children, we are to lenient and we don't punish them enough. It makes me angry at the world sometimes. A little empathy would go a long way."

I have a son who has a disability and special needs. And I can tell you in all honesty that having a child who had special needs, was not what I envisioned when I brought him home from the hospital, all pink and brand new.

I suppose in a way, I always knew that he was different from other kids. Maybe not in an overly noticeable way (at least on the outside/physically) but in a way that my mothers intuition picked at me. Once he turned 2, I was aware that he was "spirited". However...that was my "normal". I was used to it. So when other mothers were coming up to me after play dates going, "Oh my God. How do you do this everyday?", I admit...I was kind of wondering what the heck they were talking about. First time mom and all..I sort of felt blind sighted at every turn. Was this normal? Was this behaviour really NOT normal? Why was my son acting like a jerk? Did he have some sort of a Jekyll and Hyde thing going on that I was unaware of? Why does he never sleep? Why .... why....why? Inside me...I always felt like there was this certain code of silence I was supposed to keep to. I didn't want anything to be wrong with my kid. I wanted him to be the smartest, most talented, and most well adjusted kid there was. I wanted people to "ooh and aww" over him. Exclaim over his brilliance and assume that my hubby and I must be doing a GREAT job parenting..and that was why he was so fantastic!!!
Boy ... was I a bit of an asshole eh?!

And so..my whole world came crashing down, my totally asinine dream of the perfect child was dashed when I realised that my son WAS different.
My son was diagnosed and we were handed a ticking time bomb and told "best of luck" and left to handle it, feeling like amateurs. I spent alot of time blaming myself for his disability. It was ME..what had I done to him to make him this way? Were we not loving him enough? And the thoughts went on and on...running through my mind constantly, making me heart sick. The thing was..my son was a really cool kid! He was energetic, kind, loving and very smart! But he also had struggles that at times were hard to understand and be patient about. He was erratic, hyper to the point of mania, had zero impulse control and he never (read that, NEVER) slept. We were used to late nights, cajoling, and exhaustion! We were used to constant mayhem. All the little surprises...an entire tube of toothpaste squished out into the sink, an entire box of spaghetti dumped out into the pantry with him sitting on top of it ..eating it. Flooding the bathroom, drawing on the hardwood floor with a sharpie, trying to flush an entire roll of toilet paper down the toilet..WHOLE. Dumping over 8oz of fish food in the tank.. Eating (read that EATING, not CHEWING) an entire pkg of gum, 16 piece count. Cutting his own hair, putting playdoh in the vcr..and really..that was all in the course of a week. He never stopped. I nick named him my, whirling dervish. On top of those almost humorous, laughable moments (that almost make me psychotic at times..) were moments of heartbreak. Listening to him scream. Scream. Scream. And not knowing what was wrong. The wild look in his eyes when he would wake up in the middle of the night terrified and shaking. Having him tell me that he felt like he was "boiling" inside. His over sensitive “senses”, hands covering his ears, trying to drown out sounds. Constantly needing something in his mouth that he could feel/chew at. His obvious frustration. Watching him vibrate..literally, with pent up energy that he just couldn't get rid of. He had fears that he didn't understand, impulses he couldn't control and obsessions that he couldn't get rid of. But the worst....the absolute worst was..knowing and WATCHING other people not understand him.

We have been blessed with people and family who have been supportive of our son. People who have seen past his behaviours and just accepted him who who he is...good and bad. However...we have also experienced heartbreak..from family and friends and strangers..who haven't understood and who have caused us many tears and frustration. We've had to cut people, including family out of our lives because they offered nothing more than harsh criticism and judgement. We trusted them as family, thinking that they loved our son and had his best interests at heart. When we found out that all we were, was "fodder" for a gossip mill...that our sons low moments were being broadcasted among people as though he wasn't even a real person but a "good story, you gotta hear this one..", that we were suffering harsh ridicule as parents who needed to "wake up!" and who didn't know what we were doing...it was devastating. Ironically..it was people who DIDN'T even have children who caused us the most grief. People made up their own diagnosis for our son, they lied, they had no compassion, they sat in judgement of us and sadly..in the end proved that they didn't have a loyal bone in their body. As one mom in the book says, "People like this, need to be blow torched out of your lives!" And to that I say, "AMEN".
I choose to surround my son with people who are positive about his future. People who understand when we've had a rough day and are there to offer a hug, or a cup of coffee and a listening ear. People who enjoy my sons infectious giggle, his wicked sense of humour and his larger than life imagination! People...who see his heart and who he TRULY is inside. People who don’t see him as broken, but as someone who can inspire. These people are invaluable to us and our family. Our appreciation to them, cannot be expressed with words.

I know that I am not the only mother who has experienced this. I know that I am not the only mother who has gone home from a play date/family get together/public engagement, walked directly into the bathroom, slammed the door and sobbed..and sobbed until there was nothing left. I know that I am not the only mother who has felt the halting sting of other peoples tactless remarks. (I had a bit of a row with a terribly unattractive OLD lady in superstore once. She stood by gawking as my hubby lugged my son out of the store screaming at the top of his lungs, bucking and jiving. She turned to the lady beside her and said very loudly, whilst rolling her eyes, "WELL...what a little spoiled brat eh?" Unbenounced to her, I was standing there, and I did not take kindly to her remarks and told her so!!)
I know that I am not the only mother who has felt so righteously indignant about the way her child is being treated..that she wants to take a baseball bat to someone knee caps. I understand a mothers hurting, worried, scared heart. I know...that I am not the only mother who is fighting this fight. Fighting this fight for their child.

I am my sons personal interpreter. I explain him to other people. "He chews on things. Its a sensory issue." "He is feeling a bit hyper right now. He needs to get it out..thats why he is running laps around your coffee table." "He stands to eat..he's more comfortable that way." "He is very imaginative. If he comes up to you and wants you to pretend he is a dog catcher, just play along...its fine..really" "If he asks you to put a plate out for Jabber, his imaginary friend...just do it ok? Trust me..you will save yourself alot of grief." "For the love of pete don't talk about mascots or clowns around him." "Umm..can we hide the balloons? He's a TAD sensitive about balloons. Don't ask." "If he licks you, it just means he LIKES you ok?! He's very..oral. Just go with it! I promise he's clean and he's had all his shots!"
Its a job I take seriously and have perfected over the years!! I find myself sometimes, following him around with my hawk eye out for anyone who might question him or his , at times, odd behaviour. At some point its going to have to stop. He DOES, after all...have his own voice and the older he gets the more he is learning about his disability. In fact, I’ve recently heard him explain himself to another child by saying, very simply, "Its just how I am."

I’ve become matter of fact and have developed a cynical sense of humour. :) There are some things, that I choose to laugh at and let go. (Like my son, calling his Pre-K teacher "Ms Stinky Pants" when she gave me her daily report and his behaviour was less than ....A+. When my mom tried to hold and hug him when he was in the middle of a rage and he said, "Let go of me old lady!!". These things...have to be laughed off. For me, its a survival mechanism.)

I have grown up with this child. He has taught me more than I could ever have imagined I could learn in 7 years. He has taught me what true LOVE is. He has taught me patience. He has taught me how to enjoy the simpler things in life. He has taught me how to use my voice for him. To fight for him and get him what he needs. Even if it takes countless phone calls, meetings with professionals, trips to bigger cities, me having to get mad to get my point across...he has taught me how to be strong! I am bonded to him in a way that I know I will never be with anyone else on this planet. And that is special. He told me the other day that our hearts, were connected by a string. And all we had to do was give the string a "tug" if we needed each other to feel happy, brave or unafraid. How can you not love this kid eh?!

I am imperfect. I am by no means a "super" parent! I have bad days where..the only thing that keeps me from putting my head in the oven, is 4 chocolate cupcakes eaten in a row. To make the day survivable , on occasion , we eat fast food for supper and I bribe good behaviour out of him with his favourite movie or a new toy. If he doesn't want to brush his teeth and I can gauge that forcing the issue is going to result in a 2 hour fall out...I let his teeth remain unbrushed. If I ask him to clean up his toys, and his version of cleaning is putting half the toys under his bed, I will walk out of the room and let it go. (Whilst gritting my teeth!) I think part of being a parent, is learning to pick your battles. And pick them well. Some times life is crappy..and we get down to the bare essentials of "living". On these days I make sure we all have clean underwear to wear, that the dishes are at least half done (the rest stacked respectfully in the sink) and that everyone is fed (even if its cereal for supper). The rest can wait. I have bad days...days where I say to myself, "I wanted these kids, right??" Days where I want to run away and hide. Days where I don't want to be the Mom anymore. Days where I feel so unfit and unable. Days where I don't think I can possibly be there for anyone. Days I feel "done". Days I feel empty. Sometimes my mission for any given day, for "those" days, is just to survive it intact!

I know that not everybody will understand this blog entry. And that is ok. I can pick a parent who is parenting their special needs child, out of a crowd now. There is an unspoken nod, empathetic eye contact and I silently say to each of them, "I understand. Its ok." Its its own club. And entry is being given one of these children. A child who at first you may ask, God..WHY ME?,. And then later on..after you've grieved for the child who you had imagined and dreamed of and you've forgiven them for who they are unable to be, you THANK God for the chance to have been blessed with "this" child. We are given our children for a reason. They are sent to us with wings and entrusted in our care. We are chosen accordingly!

Its ok to say, “THIS SUCKS. ITS TOO HARD!” Its ok to feel like its unfair. Its okay to cry…and its ok to let it go. Strength comes from inside you. It comes from knowing that you will do whatever is necessary to help your child succeed, on their level. Don’t ever give up hope and don’t fail to see even the smallest of accomplishments!! Even the little ones, are a celebration! Chances are, you have played a large part in it! Doing this is hard. It may be the hardest thing that you ever do. The most time consuming, heartbreaking, exhausting, blessed, and rewarding job…that you ever do.

I leave in closing, an exert from a magazine article…it’s a message that I know has to be shared. An important message that I want to make sure EVERYONE knows!! It reads:
“Perhaps the most important word of advice given to those becoming comfortable around a child with special needs is to remember that underneath the disability or diagnosis is a CHILD. A child who wants love, affection and attention like all children do. This becomes difficult to see sometimes when what first meets the eye are the physical, behavioural or cognitive issues. It is so crucial to look beyond that. This little person is a child FIRST, possessing all the characteristics of youth and thus deserves the same care and attention given to any child, no matter what his or her circumstance may be.”

xox d

The Emperor

2010-08-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

Lijie, walking upstairs:
"MOOOOOOOM. Are you making me LUUUUUNCH??"

I yelled back, "YES!!!".
This is a blatent lie. I am on Farmtown harvesting crops and planning where to put my new pump jack. I have just spent the past 2 hours making breakfast, cleaning up from breakfast, being crawled on, talked at, yelled at and had peanut butter rubbed in my hair. I want 10 cockadoody minutes to myself!! Lij has just eaten 30 minutes ago. My mommy self knows that he isn't hungry, he's just bored.

He yells back, "YOU ARE NOT LIAR!"
Fair enough.

I sigh, groan and to pacify him so that he will go back downstairs and leave me alone I yell back, "FINE. I WILL DO IT IN A SECOND."

He yells back, "WELL..HURRY UP AND GET ON IT. CHOP CHOP!!" and goes back downstairs.

Get on it????????? Chop Chop?????????? Are you kidding me???
Instead of yelling back, "Why don't you COME back up here and I will karate CHOP CHOP you in the knee caps!!!" which is what is on the tip of my tongue, I swallow it back and instead say, "OK YOUR HIGHNESS!!!!!!"

I KNOW he smiled a satisfactory smile. I just know. I could feel it from the basement.

xo d

Family

2010-08-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

So obviously....I have this huge extended family. I "affectionately" call us, "The Big Fat French Family."
We're loud and obnoxious, love food and each other, ALOT! :) Most of our family get togethers center around food. We've done everything from "Cuban Night" to "Greek Night". (And thank you YES...I made a million spanakopitas!) We eat, we talk...exclaim over the food. Its what we do. Anytime a friend would come over my mom tried to feed them. (And give them vitamins, but thats another post altogether.)

We're a close family. To close?! I think this is what happens when you come from a family of 4 girls. The estrogen was always thick in the air. You could cut it with a chainsaw. Not to mention the drama, emotions, makeup, curling irons and tampons. My Dad is a SAINT. As my brother in law always says, "He's taking the express elevator right to heaven!"

In the magical significance of "Birth Order", I am the proud owner of the second youngest title. My oldest sister is 12 years older than me. My second oldest sister is 8 years older than me. Then came me and 18mnths later my youngest sister made her very SURPRISE entrance into the family! ;) Notice I said,"SURPRISE",not "ACCIDENTAL".
She was pretty cool to have around. Granted there was all the nit picking and sibling squabbles and the odd screams of "I HATE YOU" followed by the echo of a slamming door, but all in all she was the perfect playmate! Actually...come to think of it, when I think back to my childhood, I honestly don't have a memory that doesn't have her in it.

So we're big and loud and all grown up now. And all but one of us live in quite proximity to each other. (Me, my oldest sister and my mom and dad all within a few blocks of each other.) And as such, we're all close and annoying. It happens!!
All of our personalities are so.......different. Its difficult to imagine that we all came from the same DNA and Gene pool and that we all GREW in the same womb!!!
Its obvious to ME..that I got the dented side of the uterus, otherwise how else do you explain my lack or normalcy? But I digress...more about me and my mental instability later. ;)

We grew up in a pretty typical, tho very atypical family. We had a mom and a dad. WOW. 75% of my friends parents were divorced. My dad always worked, my mom was, for the most part, home with us kids. We had a stricter, religious upbringing, mostly because of my mom. My dad didn't really "go there". But I remember...family vacations, suppers around the diner table, talking, laughing and feeling the stability that only a "family" can give you. Most of the time that I was growing up my older sisters were already out of the house.

I was thinking about my own little family and wondering how much of my upbringing I bring into raising my OWN children?! I always grew up knowing that family was important. In fact I would say that I was taught that family is the most important gift in life. Even the relatives that have fallen out of the crazy tree and hit EVERY branch on the way down, are still FAMILY. And family means loyalty. Being a loyal, trustworthy part of the family was important. Family came first and we were to take care of each other. And so, I believe that as I continue to parent..this will be something that I constantly talk about and nag my kids with. :)

What, has been interesting is my husband and I's very different family backgrounds.
He isn't close with his family. We share many commonalities in our childhoods. Same religious background/upbringing, same spot in the birth order, both of us coming from BIG families, (he's one of 5) but the common parts end there. The rest is as different as night and day. I wonder alot if its because he comes from a family mostly of boys. (He is one of 4 boys, and they have a sister, the oldest in the family.) There is that saying,A daughters a daughter the rest of her life, but a son is only a son until he takes a wife. Or thats what the distance has always been blamed on anyway. The Gender. "There boys." As though that is to explain all and everything. I think that if you have a true "relationship" with your brothers and/or sisters it doesn't matter. The feeling of family being a solid, stable, safe unit..wasn't there for him , like it was for me. And so our big fat french family sucked him up into ours! My hubby spent alot of time with my family before we were ever even interested/dating each other. (More about that later on..) I think, he liked that part of us. The "family" part. Interestingly...most of us girls have married men who came from families that aren't close. At all. In some instances..the boys are perhaps closer to our parents, than their own. Thats what I DO love about family. There is always room for one more! :) And that is another thing that I do remember about growing up....there were alot of people who were figuratively "adopted" into our family because there was that sense of security and safeness. It didn't matter what happened during the day, it wouldn't have mattered if the earth shook and fire shot out from the sky...my HOME, my FAMILY..would always be there. At the end of the day, no matter what had happened, no matter what I had done, I knew without a Shadow of a doubt that I had a mom and dad to go home to and that they would support me and love me, no matter what. And its so god damned important to me to make sure that MY kids feel the same way. To make sure that they feel the stability, and security ....the safeness of "blood is thicker than water", that only FAMILY can give you.

Families go through their rough times to..don't get me wrong. There is alot of guilt that floats around a family..alot of responsibility being a family member. People are nosey, annoying and flap around in your face like a sadistic seagull. Sometimes you leave a family diner feeling like you've bravely survived some sort of Chinese torture tactic. All the personalities don't always mesh. We bump into each other and clash. Opinions run high, and not everyone agrees. (After all...opinions are like asshole...everyone HAS one and everything thinks that theirs doesn't stink.)
Every family grows, fights and survives it all to start fresh the next day. (Or if you need a little more time to get over it....the next week! ;) )
Thats what probably fascinates me about family...is that you can have the misery, the frustration and the annoyances..but still know that they've got your back. That is one of the blessings of family.

And here I lay, in bed...thinking about my own little family. We're tough sons o' bitches , all of us!! I think that if we can always stick together and be a team..that we will always be "ok". Even during the really crappy times when we want to drown each other in the bath tub.

And so I end my post for this evening...with an anniversary party in our midst. My oldest sister and her hubby are celebrating their 20th!! We've decided that THIS time..our celebrations will commence around camping. :) And of course...the biggest topic of discussion and biggest part of the planning has been....what are we going to eat while we're out there?! ;)

xo d

What was I gonna say again...?

2010-08-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

Im back...and I have SO MUCH to talk about!! ......
What was I gonna say again?!

Oh right. God..what a year its been!!!
Money and moving and kids and work and...wow. Time flies!
Can you believe we are in the middle of summer? The summer of "The Rain."
But in the middle of it none the less. School starts in less than 4 weeks. Part of me feels relief, part of me doesn't want the summer to end! Its been a ...never ENDING challenge this summer, to keep my young man "busy". Frequently..and by frequent I mean every 42 seconds, Lij likes to remind us that he is "bored." And not just a little bored, but "Sooooo Bored." And he's not looking for suggestions. Oh..no, he's not. Our suggestions of, "Go and play your DSi, go and color, write us one of your fantastic stories, play outside and get some fresh air.." fall on deaf ears. You see, Im starting to pick up on his schtick, if you will. Lij is bored because he has a plan in mind. For YEARS , I haven't given this kid enough credit for what a genius he is. Seriously.
"We should go to Chapters! We really should. Because then I wouldn't be bored. And Mom, Im bored." 42 seconds later, "Mom, Im bored. Did I tell you? Whats our plan? We couullllld go to Chapters. Lets shake on it and make it a deal k?!"
And just to make him be quiet, I usually give in!
Lucky for me, Ive had help this summer. Lij has 2 lovely girls who share time during the week with him! They help keep him "unbored." And they have more energy than I do, god bless them!
He is a blessing! The little lad is tough as nails. He's teaching me alot...everyday I learn something new from him. Probably..his persistence is most admirable. Almost as admirable as it is damn annoying. His determination comes in a close runner up!
I always tell myself that these things, these personality traits that drive me crazy now, are going to be the things that make him fantastically successful..the things that drive him when he's older. I admire him. Greatly.
Yeah...he's pretty great!

My girl! My baby girl!! She's...all girl. Loves clothes and shoes. She didn't get the nickname, "The Diva" for nothing. And 2...god is she so 2 right now. All independent and attitude. She's been talking more lately and the things she's saying...well of course *I* think she's a genius! She has already mastered giving her brother shit. "Baaad Boiii, EEE-III-YAH!! Bad!!" and my personal favorite, "No, EEE-III-Yaaah!! Go Away!!!" She takes care of him to. Brings him his clothes, helps him clean up his messes, rubs his head when he's sad ...she mothers him! She's just been so perfect for our family. You know..we started out a family of 3. And you get comfortable with that. You don't know if adding another "domino" is going to shift your whole stack. But God...that girls been a blessing for all of us. I don't think there could be a baby on the planet that was more wanted than her. She had a tall order. She was mending my broken heart!
She just fit into the family so easily. Like she'd always been here....was always MEANT to be here. She was just a ... complete joy. She made me feel blissfully happy. I had this beautiful, content, perfect little baby. A girl. Finally! It was just ..all to perfect. She was truly "meant to be"!!
She's in a big girl bed now! Easy transition. Nothing like the experience we had with her brother. ;) Oyi...

Contentment and counting blessings. That's what Ive been thinking about this week.
to be continued....

Part 2

2009-04-17T19:41:00.001-07:00

Lijie got up this morning in terrible pain from his eye. And not the whining kind of pain that kids get when they get a sliver, or a paper cut. He was sobbing inconsolably and shaking, he was hurting so bad. I took his eye patch off and it was so gross looking...his eyelashes were gummed shut and there was green goopey pus everywhere. So I loaded up both the kids and took Lijie in to the doc. The doctor attempted to look at the eye but Lijie was so hysterical by this time that he was only really able to take a peek at it. He left the room and came back with a piece of paper and told me that I had to take him to the ER asap. He said he was very concerned that Lijie had seriously damaged his eye..and he wasn't going to torture him there by trying to look at it. He said Id have to take him to the hospital and they would have to sedate him.

Fabulous. Just what every mother wants to do on a Friday morning with her six year old. (And a 10 month old who can't POOP in tow. More about that later...)

Lijie is still in his jammies. Rhys is in her filthy jammies and I haven't had a coffee yet..but off we go to the hospital.
~Side note:
On the way there, I called hubby at work and told him what was going on. Lijie was screaming in the background he was in so much pain..and understandably..very afraid.
Hubby said.."well can you find someone to come and help you with Rhysie?"
I felt like screaming..THATS WHY I CALLED YOU, PECKER HEAD. But I didn't. I hung up on him instead and threw my cell phone on the floor of the truck. (very mature ..I know.)

As I drove to the hospital I was getting myself more and more worked up. Lijie was howling, Rhys was getting mad because I hadn't even had a chance to feed her yet and I was really worried about Lij and his eye. (I was also a smidge mad at hubby..I will admit. I needed HELP. I was having to lead the blind boy around because he still wouldn't open his good eye as well as lug Rhysie with us and it wasn't working so well.) Little did I know then , that it was all about to get...much much worse.

We pull into the hospital parking lot and I am trying to decide how to maneuver Lij, Rhys, the big diaper bag and myself into the building. I take Rhysie out (in the carseat first...) and place her safely on the sidewalk. Then I go and drag Lij out, guiding him to the sidewalk and lugging my big assed bag behind us. Its at that moment I realise that Ive left the Dr's referral sheet in the truck. DAMNIT!
I tell Lijie to Stay PUT and not move. And I turn around and start to run for the truck. Im not quite sure what happened next...I remember starting to run..and then my feet galloping faster than my body could follow. I KNEW I was going down...and I couldn't do anything to stop it. And so...I fell. Very fast and very hard. I skidded down the handicapped wheelchair ramp indent on the sidewalk, and landed mostly on my elbows. It took me a moment to realise what had happened. I had a searing pain in my arm and leg..and a mouthful of dirt. I was bleeding through my damn hoodie and my elbow felt crunchy. As I tried to get up and compose myself I was struck with the thought that I had hurt myself. And rather badly.
This was when Lijie (blind..remember) started walking back and forth and screaming..
"Mom. MOM. Where ARE YOU?"
Summoning up all the energy and adrenaline I had, I went to the truck, got the paper..then went and got Lijie and Rhys (still in the carseat..) and carried us all into the hospital ER.

By this time I had started shaking wildly. My black hoodie was covered in dirt and grit..and my arm was starting to feel "dead". The triage nurse looked at me, looked at Lijie hollering and said, "Oh my goodness. What happened to you guys?"
I said I was fine, that we were here for Lijie. She looked at me kind of funny and said, "You don't look fine." I assured her I was ok and that it was Lijie who needed the medical attention, NOT me. They got Lijie going and in the meantime talked me into letting them look at my arm. The triage nurse told me she thought it might be broken. Which was probable seeing as how I thrown my ENTIRE girth on it. But I didn't have time for a broken arm. How was I going to guide Lijie around and carry Rhys with only ONE good arm? I poo pooed the nurse and said I was sure it was good (as blood ran down my arm and bits of my hoodie were actually ATTACHED to the road rash..) and that my only concern was Lijie. She said she thought I was full of poo and made me fill out a chart and become a "patient" with Lij. All this time I have this dialogue running through my head:
"DANI YOU DUMBASS!! YAH PICKED A FINE TIME TO TRIP OVER YOURSELF YOU MORON!!!"

By this time my mom had showed up, thank god and she was trying to make sure the kids were ok while I was getting looked at. They finally got Lijie into a room and Dr. No Nonsense walks in. "Hi. Im the Doctor. Im here to take a look at the young lads eye."
Good luck with that Dr. Dumb Ass.
I said, "He won't let you near his eye. He's scared and in pain."
Dr. No Nonsense gives me a catty smirk and goes over to Lijie with his eye numbing drops and tries to look into Lijies eye. Lijies screams in horror and starts bucking and jiving on the gurney.
Dr. Dumb Ass steps back, takes off his gloves and says.."Okie Dokie then. Lets get him some pain medication!"

They decide that Lijie needs an IV so that they can give him drugs for the pain. A nurse (ironically enough, named Dani.) comes in and smears Emla cream all over both hands, says she is going to give it 20 mins and come back to do the IV.
In the meantime , Im sent for xrays.
When I get back they are prepping for the IV. And I just know it isn't going to go well. Lijie is still hurting and he is so scared. I feel helpless and of no use.
IV insertion goes BAD.
They do everything they can to try and get him to stay still..(they even wrapped him up in a sheet like a mummy..) but he fights it. They poke him twice and he screams and thrashes. He's also dehydrated because he hasn't drank anything or eaten in 24 hours. After 10 mins they give up and Lijie is completely exhausted..and over wrought. The Doc comes in and says we have a couple of options. Sedation by "gas" which he says doesn't really work all that well, or sedation via Ketamine which will give him pain relief, knock him out a bit and allow them to look at the eye, clean it up and freeze it as well for some relief. He has to be moved into ANOTHER room.
I am starting to feel sick for him...we've been at the hospital for 2 hours..I keep promising him that soon it will all be over and his eye will stop hurting. And he's just so upset.

In the new room they change the plan and decide that he needs an IV. And once that is in, then they will give the Ketamine. (Which ... by the way, is the drug that everyone takes when they go to RAVES and whatnot ..give fantastic hallucinations apparently...) And it starts again....
You can hear him screaming from , what seems like , miles away. I have to leave the room. I can't stand seeing him like that. I just can't...
It takes 4 nurses, a doctor, a respiratory therapist and Launi to hold Lijie down to get the IV in. I am starting to feel beside myself.
Once the Ketamine AND Versed are in, Lijie is completely konked out. He has an oxygen mask on and looks like an over cooked noodle laying on the bed. I am so sad for him, but also relieved because FINALLY..he isn't hurting.
They check out his eye. And its no wonder the poor kid has been screaming. He has a HUGE abrasion in the center of his eye. :(
They give him more Ketamine. His eye gets washed out and they smear ointment all over it.

Awhile later, he starts to , "come to"..and Oh MY god. I have never seen anything like it in my life. He's slurring his words, hallucinating..waving his fingers in front of his eyes. He says things like:
"Why am I dreaming..but still awake?"
"Why am I flying Mom?"
"What have they done to me Mom?"
"I feel googley Mooooooooom".
He keeps drawing out his words and swinging his head around. (It is rather funny when he wiggles his fingers in front of his eyes..)

He falls asleep for awhile. When he wakes up he is somewhat more alert. They give him more pain meds in the IV and then disconnect him and send us on our way. Lijie is sporting another eye patch and keeps asking us when he gets to go home.

He tells me later that he thought they were trying to kill him. :(
The parent guilt could be enough to kill ME!!!!

Its been such a long day.......*sigh*
We finally got Lijie to sleep. When we got home he slept for a little bit but woke up hysterical again. He cried for over an hour until the codeine the Dr. prescribed kicked in. But the codeine gave him a bad stomach ache...so we were dealing with that as well. *UGD*

My arms and elbows, are covered in road rash. My knees are torn up..and oddly enough the top of one of my thighs. My arms and elbows are turning a fantastic lavender hue. They bandaged me up and put my arm in a sling...which renders me very useless...so I only wear it when Launi reminds me to.

Im so tired now. Rhys is over tired and is having a heck of a time staying asleep..so it might be a long night for me. Lijie seems to be sleeping peacefully for the moment and I hope that lasts all night. Keep your fingers crossed for us. ;)

Tomorrow is a fresh day. Im always glad when I leave the hospital that Im leaving WITH my child. And that Im leaving, knowing he is going to heal. There are those who don`t have that luxury. I keep trying to remind myself of that.

xo
d

You've Got To Be Kidding Me...

2009-04-17T06:44:00.000-07:00

Well......its been another interesting week. :) (But really, did you expect anything less? buah..ha..ha..ha..)

~So an update on the PIGEON situation, cause I know you're all dieing to know about my birds right? Right... Against my protests Launi filled in the roof holes with wood blocks and then covered those with more flashing. He made a valiant effort to get all the birds out..(via banging on the underside of the peak and sticking a broom handle in the holes and waving it about madly....) but we never really did determine if there was a nest in there or not. (to hard to see..) But I would bet $10,000 dollars that there was. The birds came back to peck on the new flashing and I can still hear them "tick a ticking" around on my roof. I want them to GO AWAY!!!!!Launi is starting to get mad at the little buggers for trying to destroy his carpentry work yet again. Launi:
"I bet the little peckers and trying to rip that flashing off again!!!!"
I feel like we are the "Disgustington's". Those neighbours that no one wants to live next to. The ones with the roof that's covered in BIRDS. Blech...

Yesterday, my poor Lijie poked his eye with his school badge. He was pretty upset at school so they called me to come and get him. He's scratched the cornea again..and he scared it pretty good to. *sigh* You'll probably remember that a couple of years ago, this same thing happened. This time has been even worse. For one thing he won't open EITHER of his eyes. (When he tries to open the eye thats not hurt, the hurt eye just automatically tries to open even though its gauzed/taped shut. It rubs against his eye lid and it hurts alot. And Ive experienced it myself..and it does hurt.) So yes, he is essentially , "blind". And I am, essentially, his seeing eye dog. *sigh* We have tried EVERYTHING to get him to open his good eye. Bribes of movies, toys,...and he just won't. And as Ive learned, you can't force a kid to open his eye. I came home last night and he was rather upset.
I cleaned out his eye as best I could..(its quite goopey and snotty..very yucky looking..) but he wasn't letting me very willingly. He gets hysterically afraid anytime you talk about it, or go near it. He was shaking it was hurting so bad. So we gave him some motrin and sat with him for a bit, changed the gauze. He finally fell asleep. But we have to "lead" him back and forth to the bathroom. And the rest of the time he lays on the couch "listening" to movies. He hasn't really eaten anything..and its very quiet around here..and sad. :( He just lays on the couch and ....doesn't say anything or do anything. Im hoping today (Friday) after giving his eye the rest all yesterday and through the night, that he will feel ok enough to open at least ONE EYE. (fingers crossed)

Yesterday I had an appointment for Rhys to get her pics taken at Stupid store. I was rather excited about these pictures because I found the most Gorgeous dress for her.Its pink (with a white stripe) silk and chiffon..and it has a matching hat. It was ridiculously expensive...but totally worth it. Things did not go exactely as planned however. For one thing..they were 35 mins late for our appointment. Apparently..the girl who was working by herself that evening , had been having a bad day. So we were trying to keep Rhysie happy...as the minutes ticked by..we were becoming more and more "ticked" off.

FINALLY, she stopped serving all the other people who kept coming in..and she got us in the back and we started with the pics. Rhys..did..awesome! (until she fell off her lace pillow and smashed her head on the floor....but that is a story for another time as Im not emotionally ready to talk about that yet.) It was like..she was put on this earth just to pose and look beautiful. She had her hands on either side of her cheeks, she was posing "forward", she was dazzling us with her baby moves. The pictures were turning out beautifully!!! She looked darling!! After more than half an hour of pics, her highness was getting tired and "done" with her photo shoot. So it was time to wind it up and go and pick which pictures we wanted to order. The girl takes the camera off, fiddles with it for a minute..leaves the room, comes back and says..."oh my god.." We said.."Oh my god what??" She says, "There was no card in the camera......"
SERIOUSLY!!!
I was mad.
She wanted us to stay and redo all the pics again but by that point, Rhys had had enough and was ready for bed. And I was to cranky to even deal with the situation.
So we left. (Laurie FAMOUSLY took care of everything for us and managed to finangle retakes with a better photographer..for free, at our leisure. THANK YOU LAURIE!!!!!)

However all this pales in comparison for what awaited me on Friday morning.....

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Bastard Birds

2009-04-13T08:02:00.000-07:00

Well....its happened.
We have Pigeons.

~(I have a healthy fear of Birds in general. It all started when I was stalked and then chased by a goose when I was 6! It was horrifying! My fear of birds was intensified when I went inside a chicken coop with a friend {against my better judgement} and there was anarchy amongst the hens and the entire coop was filled with flapping wings, gobbling sounds and pekky beaks that were , in my mind , coming for my eyes.)

So yes. Needless to say, I am not happy with our pigeon situation.
They have ripped off the "flashing" on either end of our roof peak. And a whole damn family has moved in. You can hear them "tick a ticking" around in there and "coo'ing". (In my mind..Im imagining all the bird poo too..and it makes me hyperventilate. ) The other day I went outside to throw a bag of garbage out and there was a bastard CROW, with half his fat ass sticking out of the hole in the roof. And crows are the devils playmate. (My mother has this...fascination with crows..which she has passed on to Lijie. I don't care how "smart" crows are. You could teach them to do multiplication and I would still think that they suck. )

So we have pigeons..and a devil bird,living in our roof.
I finally convinced Launi to get out the ladder and check out the holes, to see whats going on up there. I was sure I could see a nest in the hole. And there was no way in hell I was going up there to investigate. So Launi drug out the ladder and flashlight and decided to take a look. Lijie was thrilled. He loves the pigeons.
He crunches up crackers and stands on the deck with his hands out calling, "HERE PIGEON PIGEON PIGEON!" and makes kissey sounds with his lips. ARGH!

Launi sets up the ladder and gives the side of the house a few good kicks, to ensure that all the pigeons are out of there "home". He shines the flashlight in one hole, checking things out. Im on the ground feeling the need to "duck and take cover". (I was tempted to wear Lijie's bike helmet, like my friend did when they had birds living under their deck. Every time she had to take the garbage out she'd wear her bike helmet!! And somehow..this makes perfect sense to me.) I said, "Theres a BIG assed nest, isn't there????????"
Launi quietly shines the light around checking things out. I am resisting the urge to tell him to get off the ladder and let ME do it. For some reason , I think that I can do a better job..which is asinine and ridiculous. And there is no way I am getting that up close and personal to a bird.
Launi moves the ladder over to check out the other hole...and as he's shining the light in the hole, I can hear WINGS flapping and Launi does the "duck and cover" move on the ladder. And a BIG ASSED pigeon with red beady eyes, shoots out of the HOLE! I start screaming and almost faint.
Launi looks at me with annoyance from atop the ladder and Lijie pats my hand and says, "Its okay mom. Its just a BIRD." and rolls his eyes.

Launi resumes his investigation of the bird factory and I watch as 3 big bastard pigeons stare at him from the top of the roof. The buggers are standing on top of the roof peak, peering over the edge at him, waiting for him to leave so they can slink back into their hole and do...rotten bird things.

Launi figures me must cover up the holes with more flashing. I refuse to let him do this because I am SURE that birds are going to get trapped inside, die..and start to smell in the summer heat. And that is my idea of hell. I would have to go and live in a hotel..and I mean that in all seriousness!! Launi doesn't want to put up with my idiocy and so the holes remain uncovered and we REMAIN..the "Bird House". *sigh*

There is a kid on Kijiji who has an ad. He will come to your house with his gun and shoot "vermin" , for a small fee. He says he will shoot "gophers, mice, etc" for farmers. I wonder if he'll come and shoot pigeons for a city girl who has a massive bird phobia?

I have to call the exterminator tomorrow. I know if Launi gets the birds out and covers up the holes, the buggers will just rip the flashing off again and come back to roost. *argh*

Never a dull moment around here.

Attack of the killer mud.

2009-04-11T20:03:00.000-07:00

Its spring. And with spring comes...mud.
And Lijie loves the mud! Alot.
And he doesn't just play in the mud "a little". He plays in the mud...ALOT.
Every time he comes in from outside, he requires a good scrubbing in the bath tub. Its in his hair..his eyebrows...his belly button...its everywhere.

The following 2 movies are for your viewing pleasure.
I made 2 because I thought the first one had been erased. :) And in both of them he was doing such .... fabulous things with the mud, that I thought I would share.
And as a parting thought...did I mention that I HATE mud?

"Good BYE" crappy week...

2009-04-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

Good bye cruel week...

All week Ive felt like I just can't get it together.
Not enough sleep..been eating nothing but crap...and I think Ive been reliving my past just a litttttle bit to much.
Added to that the fact that Lijie was possessed by the devil the entire week and Im pretty sure it explains my frame of mind.

Were to start? Well at the beginning of the week Annie and Jayden were down over night. And Annie and I decided to take the kids and check out a few thrift stores.
And it was at THIS store that I had my unfortunate "boob" experience. *sigh*
Lijie kept trying to escape every store that we entered...so I kept dashing outside trying to make sure that he wasn't getting run over by a truck. All the while lugging Rhysie too and fro. Anyway...at the last store the boys kept fighting, Lijie kept screaming at Jayden and Rhys kept yanking on my hair and stuffing handfuls into her mouth. After 15 minutes we left the store..(a window washer held the door open for me and gave me the oddest look..I wondered what his problem was..but Rhys was bucking around like an octopus so I didn't have time to think about it much further.)
I got into the truck, went to put the key in the ignition and noticed to my horror that my left boob was hanging out of my shirt!!!!! (and I was wearing a disgusting, white, satiny nursing bra. *gag* And its to small so the inside "nets" can be seen from the over flappy things...) Annie claims she didn't notice...though I don't know how she couldn't have. Im sure everyone else in the store did however..

After my unfortunate boob debacle..the week only seemed to go down hill. Hard to imagine its possible...but it did. Lijie ingested soy during a Chinese take out diner. We paid for it dearly over the next 48 hours. Thursday morning I came upstairs from putting in a load of laundry to discover that Lijie had emptied an ENTIRE bottle of lotion unto the floor in the living room and was "skating" on it. His hands were clasped behind his back and he was doing "figure 8's". (and it was my expensive lotion from B&BW'a too...) The mess was disgusting...and slimy to clean up. After I got over that...we took Lij for a haircut. Same as usual..short all over with a little extra hair on top to spike up. The hairdresser did a good job. And at the end the asked Lijie if he wanted gel in his hair..because she had gel in every color imaginable. He was having a hard time making up his mind so she asked him what his favorite color was and he said "Rainbow." So she laughed and said.."well why not.." and she made the top of his head a "rainbow" with about 8 different kinds of gel! :) He looked very funky..and was thrilled.
Later in the afternoon I was in the bathroom while Lijie was in his room watching TV..or so I thought. When I came out of the bathroom and went into the kitchen I was perplexed by the little bits of "color" that were on the counter. Perplexed until..I realized that the little bits of "color" were the colored spikey bits of Lijies HAIR.
He took the scissors out of the knife block and cut his HAIR. When I asked him why he in GODS name he would something like that, he said because it was to "crunchy".
Yep........to crunchy.

The day after that he was swinging from the curtain in his bedroom and pulled the entire thing out of the wall. (for the second time this month......)

So yes..its been a busy week with the wee lad. Im hoping its just "april fever" and that once spring hits full force he will calm down a little bit...but Im not holding my breath.

Im not sure what the weekend will hold. Im thinking maybe some outside work to get ready for spring/summer. The dead stalks of the flowers from last year are still sticking up and waving in the wind from my front flower bed and I must chop them down because...it looks like the "Disgustingtons" live here.

So tired. Ate to much cake...drank to much diet coke..and have exercised to little.
(more about that later....) Rhysie must be getting teeth because she hasn't slept all day and is Still UP. This afternoon she was rather miserable...but ever since her dad got home she has been rather pleasant...just not tired. *meh*

I have laundry calling..so I suppose I should answer. Lets hope its a productive weekend and we can actually get something done.
xo
d

I'll Love you forever...

2009-04-04T22:05:00.000-07:00

I walked up to my front door and...I realised that Im always happy to be home.
As much as I enjoy and love a night out with a girlfriend, I am always happy to return to my "nest" and be with my "chicklets". ;)

I had a wonderful night out with a girlfriend tonite. We were talking about how important it is when you're a mother, to have trusted girlfriends who just know what its like. Without a word, perhaps just a look or a frustrated *sigh*, they get it. They know instantly what your day has been like and they share in your misery.

I got home late and it was dark and quiet inside. I tiptoed in and locked up and when I turned around Lijie was waiting at the top of the stair to greet me.
"MOM! You're home! I couldn't sleep until you were here. Where have you BEEN?"

I walked him back to his bad and we laid and had a chat together. (He was watching Karate Kid in his room. He said "Its kind of like Kung Fu' Panda, but kinda not." )
Our "before bed" chats are something that I enjoy and look forward to. Its "our" time. Lijie decided he wanted a story , so I read him "Love you Forever" by Robert Munsch. He snuggled up close and listened intently to the story , that he has heard me read to him dozens of times.
Tonight for some reason...the story meant something different to me. Maybe its because all of sudden his feet are almost as big as mine...or because he only has a handful of inches to go before he is taller than me. But he just seemed very grown up laying in bed next to me.

I finished the story, closed the book and whispered in his ear, "Lijie. Guess What?"
And he said, "What Mom?"
And I said.."I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always.
As long as Im living..
my baby you'll be."

He smiled. And gave me a greaaaat big squeeze.
I held on to him tight and squished him back..and honestly felt like I might never let go.

A few minutes later he said..
"Mom. Guess what?"
And I said, "What Lijie?"
He sang in my ear..
"I'll love you forever,
and I'll like you for always."

And then he stopped and said..
"But crayons don't melt, do they Mom??"

:)

I feel privileged to have been given this boy.
I am blessed because I am his mom.
And I am very proud...of his heart.

Shopping when you're a fat chick!

2009-04-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

Last night I decided I would tour the mall. I wandered around with my coffee trying to "unwind" from the day and I happened upon "American Eagle".

{SIDE NOTE}
~Now, back in the day (when my thighs didn't resemble stumps) *I* fancied myself an AE shopper! I had no boob's, (before I had Lijie.. I never went above a B cup) and I even had a waist!! And it was a tiny one!!

I walked into the store and was immediately hit with waves of nostalgia and the "smell" of urban preppyness! Young cashiers flitted to and fro and everyone (even the damn mannequins) were put together "just so". As I walked around looking for clothes for my nephew (who has caviar taste..and knows it!!) I realized that not one of those young, preppy looking customer service specialist's had said "hello, how are you? can I help you with anything?" and usually Im fine with that, (I hate walking into a store and being swarmed by sales ladies like seagulls on a french fry..) but for some reason that night it was really making me mad.
(Im pretty sure its because I was in a "fat" mood.)

I sauntered over to the "panty" table because a pair of polka dot undies caught my eye. As I was flipping through them (and YES, I was looking for a size LARGE ASS)
I realised that there were only sizes XS, S and M. Perhaps they had sold out of large? I moved on to another pair, same THING. XS, S and M. It was then, that I realized all the L and XL undies were stored underneath the panty table..in a drawer. Apparently...they don't want the parachute sizes out where people can SEE them. (They also had a sign in the middle of the table stating that sizes xxl-through xxxxxxxxxl could be purchased on their website. *pfft*) Feeling a little righteously indignant I stomped away thinking.."See if Im going to buy any of your underwear NOW!!".

Perhaps because of the panty debacle, I was becoming more and more angry at the sales people for ignoring me. The tiny tweener with her perfect coif, tiny ass and put together "layered" outfit. The Asian boy with the faux hawk and square toed, white, patent leather shoes. I feel like yelling, "HEY! I might be FAT..but I CAN BE FASHION FORWARD TO YAH KNOW!!" As Im huffing around the store, I catch sight of myself in a full length mirror. (My personal nemesis.) EH GADS!! I am unsightly!!!
My big purple maternity sweater..(yes I said maternity. I STILL WEAR IT! It accommodates my large boobies and my gut..) ..whats THAT on the shoulder?? A gob of baby barf? I squint closer in the mirror..no..thats definitely pureed sweet potatoes. I turn to the side..and notice that my nursing bra is giving me "fat wings" and a roll of "back fat". How lovely...I SHOULD have worn my fat cincher!! (And yes, I have one of those to. I can't breathe when I wear it..but certain outfits/occasions call for it...and somethings are worth near passing out for.)
No wondering Im being ignored. I look like a short, stout Barney!!!!

Feeling suddenly self conscious, I stomp out of the store and resist the urge to kick over a mannequin that is probably a size ..nothing. I am decidedly in a "fat mood" and committing self esteem suicide by being in the mall. I must leave now!!

On my way out, I started to make myself madder by pondering something else.. Why do all the "Big Gal" clothes have such...insulting names?
"Above Average."
"Plus Sizes"
"Image Sizes"
Above average my ass.
You know what they call the MENS fat section?
They call it the "Tall" fit. TALL. Why is he TALL and Im "Above Average?????"

I think this is why I have an extensive "purse" collection. It doesn't matter how fat you are...a purse doesn't have to "fit".

One day I will concur this and not feel the need to walk around with a bag over my head. (or a fat cincher over my waist.) I will stop looking at my fat wings and my muffin tops. However , at the present time..my main goal/focus has been to survive the day intact. And for now..I guess that has to be enough.

My New Ring! :)

2009-03-29T10:20:00.000-07:00

Launi bought me a gorgeous ring for our 10th Anniversary.
Its called a "Soul Mates" ring and it was just...so perfect for an anniversary ring. I am in love with it. :) Its beautiful!
Thank you Bunches.
xoxoxox

Rhys's New Blanket!! (For Miss Laurie)

2009-03-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

Here you go Miss Laurie!! Here is Rhys receiving her blanket! :)

And a couple more.
One of her "loving" the blanket up and one of her displaying her remarkable screeching abilities!!

Lijie Busts A Move!!

2009-03-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

HeeHee! :)
(Check out Lijies "Uncle Brett" move at the end of the video..cracks me up.)

Miss Rhys

2009-03-28T16:45:00.000-07:00

Rhysie a couple of days ago. :)
I was trying to get her to do more of her "tricks" , hence the high pitched, shrieky voice. She does a few for you in this video!!

Here we go again...!

2009-03-28T16:16:00.000-07:00

Where has the time gone?!!

Its been busy the past couple of months. Wow!
Lets see..here are some updates.

-We took our house off the market! YAAY! I was rather happy because...frankly..the house "selling" aspect of things was making me bonkers. So we figured out how to make our situation work and be able to stay here for at least a little while longer.I was so very relieved.

-Our 10th Wedding anniversary has come on gone. (March 13th) Our family threw a very lovely par-tee for us. We had a fantastic meal at the KEG, (my first EVER time having Creme' Brulee'..felt like I had dropped acid..It was a very euphoric experience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wish I could eat it for breakfast every day!!) and then we all went back to mom and dads for a little swaray!! Was nice to be able to spend the day with people we love. :) I was having a hard time trying to decide what I should get Launi for the occasion. But I ended up getting him something I KNEW that he would enjoy..and had wanted for a long time..A flat screen LCD TV for the bedroom. He was quite happy!! (That could be because he was gorked out on Tylenol 4's due to his fall off a ladder...more about that later.) And he got me the most BEAUTIFUL ring. I can't stop looking at it and admiring. :) Its called a "Soul Mates" ring and its just......completely perfect. I will attach pics and whatnot later.

-Launi fell off a ladder and injured himself. Yes...yes he did. He bruised his ribs, smashed up his elbow and had to get stitches in his chin. I was rather surprised how quickly he healed up. Within 3 days he was ready to go back to work. *shaking head*
He is VERY lucky..and I am considering making him wear a helmet to work from now on.
(I would like to add that I did his "stitch" removal..and did a damn fine job!!!)

-The kids are doing really well. Lijie has grown, what seems like 2 feet in a matter of months. His lungs have been giving him trouble lately..he's had a couple of chest infections and his asthma and allergies seem to be quite bad right now. But he doesn't complain and hates to admit that he's not feeling well. So he motors through it. Kids!! The asthma makes him cough and cough and cough and cough...and its a painful sounding cough. :( He sounds like a barking seal. All week he's been coughing so hard he throws up. There was a literal barf fest in the back of the truck last night. (Thank GAWD for ziploc bags....and a kid that knows how to aim..) Hopefully it clears up soon. Rhys is almost 10 months and is learning something new everyday. Her newest "trick" is patty caking! :) She thinks she is so very genius when she does it. (ok..and I'll admit. I think she is to.) She's shaking her head for "no" (her favorite) and "yes". And she's recently learned how to shriek at the top of her lungs. (And she likes to do it when we're in the vehicle ..... grr.) I swear she does it just because she knows it makes Lijie wild. They scream at each other in the back seat...its wonderful. *rolling eyes* I turn the music up really loud and try to pretend they aren't there.

And I am doing well. Ive been feeling better the last couple of weeks thanks to a med increase. I feel somewhat more like my "old self." Hopefully it continues! ;)

Missed everyone! :) Will post more soon!
xox
d

Do you ever find yourself saying, "I can't BELIEVE I did that..." ? (Why selling/buying a house is hazardous to your sanity. And your oven.)

2009-01-29T06:27:00.000-08:00

Many times in my life I have uttered the words, "I can't believe I did that."
(And Im aware that ..this comes as no surprise to people who know me well..)

Its been a whirlwind of activity around our house the past 2 weeks.
Im pretty sure Ive mentioned that we recently put our house up for sale. Many circumstances/situations led us to the conclusion that it would be best if we sold the house. We need 3 bdrms on the main level, we need more storage space, a shed or garage, etc etc. And so reluctantly, I agreed.
It wasn't that I thought it wasn't a good idea. Its just... unlike my husband who lives largely in the "moment", I could foresee the work, stress and agony that doing this was going to bring about. And I also HATE change of any sort. Hate it. I get comfortable where I am and I equate "sameness" and familiarity with safeness and stability. This can be a good thing and a bad thing.
I could feel my anxiety and stress level...climbing.

So many things go into this real estate crap. We've had numerous appt's/phone calls/emails with the bank. The financial aspect of selling your house is so overwhelming. Not to mention that if you find a new house that you want to buy...that sparks a whole new SET of bank appt's and visits. Just putting on OFFER in on a house is mountains of paperwork not only with the real estate agent, but also with the banker. Its been a real...pain in the ass to say the least.
And the uncertainty of everything. *UGD* Kill me now.....
I hate the unknown. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I hate the loss of control and sanity that comes with it. Everything about selling/buying a house is about "waiting". Waiting to see how the showings went, waiting to see if they will accept your offer, waiting to see if they will accept your counter offer, waiting to see if the real estate agent is going to call today and say "Hey, someone wants to see your house in an hour. Is that ok?" , waiting to see if the bank is going to approve your financing....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I swear, the stress alone could give a person an ulcer. Especially a person....like me.

The showings alone..give me tremendous grief. Try living with a husband and two kids and keep your house "Show Home" ready. And on top of that..have an obsessive personality and see how long it takes before you feel like you're going bonkers.
If I am going to do something...then I am going to do it right. I have a really annoying need to make sure that everything looks "picture perfect". (Even the real estate agent said to me, "Ok. You're just being ridiculous now." )
But I can't help it.
I try and make sure I have fresh flowers in vases, in certain areas of the house. It HAS to smell good. It has to be clean, the beds have to be made a "certain" way, floors mopped and vacuumed, no piles, no clutter, every garbage in the house taken out (regardless of how full or NOT full it is.) all mirrors and windows windexed, and the list goes on and on....and on.
I decided I hated the clutter I had on my counters. However..its "needed" clutter. The babies bottles, medicines, dish soap, hand soap, lotion etc..all things that I need to have right at hand. So I came up with a clever idea to disguise/hide the clutter for viewings yet still have things "there" when I needed them. I went and bought a bunch of clear plastic containers and when I knew someone was coming to see the house I would take all that junk, put it in the containers and put the containers in the oven!! Out of sight, no one would see them, and when we weren't showing the house, I could just take them out and have them on the counter...leaving everything close at hand! Launi was just flabbergasted when he saw me "putting my plan into action". He could not for the life of him understand WHY I was doing this. And he kept trying to convince me that people would LOOK in the oven.
Who looks in an OVEN? I never look in the oven when Im looking at homes. Plus that he kept telling me I was going to turn on the oven and forget that I had everything stuffed in there. I finally had enough of his raining on my parade and asked him if he really thought, "That I was SO STUPID , that I would TURN ON THE OVEN, when I knew it was full of stuff. I mean really. What do I look like? AN IDIOT? GAWD!!"

And this is all in the midst of my kids. Which is really fun.
(My favorite is when Rhysie POOPS right when we're walking out the door. Then I have to change her and start my "make the house smell good" regime ALL over again because the house now smells like bum.)

We recently put an offer on a house that we instantly fell in love with. 6 bdrms, 3 baths...it had everything that we were looking for. Stupidly I started imagining myself living there. I had high hopes, I was excited..and I was already decorating it in my mind. We had taken Lijie to see it, he loved it. We were all set to go.
The sellers accepted our offer, we put down a deposit and we were VERY elated. The offer was pending the sale of our house but our REA assured us it would sell soon. (In the span of 2 weeks since the house has been on the market, we have had over a dozen showings which had generated alot of interest.) Basically, the house would still be listed and if someone else came to the seller with an offer, we would have 48 hours to remove our "conditions". (or in other words 48 hours to sell the house.)
Our REA said that to many people looking at houses, knowing that there is an offer accepted on the house is a big deterrent. So Launi and I hung our hopes on that and continued to be excited. (And ever hopeful..as usual...like a couple of idiots.)

Yesterday our REA called with bad news. There was another offer on the house accepted and we had 48 hours to sell our house, otherwise the house was going to the other bidder. *sigh* As well as feeling frustrated, I just felt sad and upset.
I kept trying to tell myself that it just wasn't meant to be..but I really liked that house and STUPIDLY had already pictured myself living there. I was convinced that it was going to be our new "home", the place where we would finally feel "at peace". In my mind, it all made sense and hearing this news ...... just sucked.

And so, I did what we all do when we are sad and faced with disappointment.
I decided to make a chocolate cake.
Happily, I discovered I had a devils food cake mix and I set about the preparation.
Pre-heating the oven, getting the eggs, measuring the oil...etc.
I was greasing the cake pan when I heard a hissing sound and couldn't figure out where the hell it was coming from. Then came a "haze" in the air...and then..came the smell of burning plastic.

.........And then, in a flash of panic....I realised what I had done.
I had turned the damn oven on with all of the "stuff" in it.
.........Oh yes. I did.

The "hissing" sound, I discovered, was the lotion dripping from a gaping hole in the bottom of the lotion bottle, as it pooled in the bottom of my oven. That was first to come out of the oven. However it was hot and melting..and lotioney so it required a delicate maneuver with a pair of tongs and oven mitts to remove.

The plastic containers, holding all of my plastics...yeah. Melted all over the oven racks. The wicker baskets holding all of the misc papers, seemed to come out of the experience for the most part, unscathed. However..the bottle brush melted into a pool of green goo..and most of the babies medicine bottles melted into warped and twisted..modern art?! (A did the jumbo size bottle of dish soap.)
As all of this mayhem was going on Lijie came out of his bedroom holding his nose and said:
"What smells like campfire in here?"

It was the most horrifying minute of my life.
And what made it worse was...Launi was proved "right". Damnit.
I felt.....like the biggest ASS...on the face of the earth.
THIS..is what STRESS will do TO YOU!!!!! :

After it was all done..I poured myself a drink and sat in the rocking chair hoping to god that, indeed, this is all part of a master plan...something bigger that I am unaware of right now. (Loosing the house...not making napalm in my oven..) I tried to convince myself that it just wasn't meant to be and something better will come along. Im still trying to convince myself. And it might take awhile.
Keep your fingers crossed for us.

"I like to move it , move it..."

2009-01-28T16:26:00.000-08:00

Rhysie wants to crawl.

With Lijie, I encouraged him to crawl. I moved his legs, I played on the floor with him for hours trying to get him to "come" to his toys. Yeah....
With Rhysie, Im trying to avoid the "crawling" thing for as loooong as is humanly possible.

She's so funny. Her head must weigh a ton in her "mind". Hee hee. :)

Someone Called The Tooth Fairy

2009-01-28T12:07:00.000-08:00

It finally happened! Lijie lost his very FIRST tooth!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! :)

We were kind of wondering when it was going to happen as it seemed like lots of Lijies little friends had already lost many teeth. When we discovered that he actually had a "loose" tooth, we also discovered that his adult tooth was already poking in behind it. And so the "wiggling" was on!!!!

It got looser...and looser...to the point that I thought he was going to swallow it in his sleep one night. I warned the teachers at school that we had a tooth that was threatening to fall out at any second and we kept asking him if we could pull it out for him. (Well...by *WE* I mean *Launi*. Teeth kind of freak me out.) He would consider it momentarily and then say, "No thanks."

And so the other night Sissy was babysitting him and I told her that if she could manage it, she should convince him to let her pull out his tooth. (I was half joking as he had been so resistent to the idea..however if anyone was going to get him to do it, it would be her.)

So imagine my shock when Lijie barged in the door later that day, yielding a ziploc bag and proudly announcing, "SISSY IS A DENTIST TO!!!!!!!!". Inside the bag was his teeny, tiny tooth.
(Apparently, Neen told Lijie that she'd give him a dollar if he'd let Sissy pull her tooth. And as Lijie informed me the other day, "I have 'S' signs coming out of my head because I love money so much..", they appealed to his greedy'ness)
Lijie went running down the hall and said "Im putting it under my pillow!!!!!!".
I said, "Well make sure you leave it in the ziploc bag otherwise its going to get lost."
Lijie hollered back, "NO. IT. WON'T."

Less than 30 seconds later I hear:
"Huh. I lost my tooth."

He seemed unconcerned. I however, spent I don't know how long, looking for it.
(Since our house is up for sale and we seem to have a constant parade of people in and out, the last thing I wanted was for some potential buyer to step on his tooth.)I finally found it, after assuring him that the tooth fairy would find it and I taped it in his baby book. *snif sniff*

Before he went to sleep that night he told me all about how the tooth fairy was going to "Bring me lots and lots of money!!!!"
When I asked, "Well how much money?" he pondered it for a moment and said,
"About 10."

Later that night when he was sleeping I took this plastic treasure chest that he is in love with (Neen and Rog brought it back for him from Disney Land and he is just bonkers for it.) and I filled it with loose change. (I don't know if I achieved "About 10", but I was hoping the illusion of lots of change would make him happy!!")

In the morning he had forgotten about everything..so I asked him if he "noticed anything under his pillow" that morning. He dashed into his room, threw back his pillow and upon seeing nothing there he said in a very self righteous tone,
"I KNEW SHE WASN'T REAL!!!!!!"

I said "well maybe she left it somewhere else?"

He looked behind his bed and when he found nothing there his eye suddenly fell on the treasure chest on his end table. His eyes got big. He shook the chest..the money jingled inside. He opened the lid, seen the money and hollered:

"I TOLD YOU SHE WAS REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" :) :)

Many more teeth will fall out of his head, but I rather enjoyed experiencing this first one with him! :)

Crazy Hat Day

2009-01-19T07:58:00.000-08:00

At Lijies school, they recently had "Crazy Hat Day".
Lijie was very excited as....he has a multitude of hats!!!
But he HAD to wear this one for crazy hat day. It was noisey, it was loud, it was ridiculous...it was so very "Lijie".
We bought this a few years ago from Auntie Billie and Auntie Alice when they were working Dog Days at the westerner. It proved to come in very handy. ;)

My Very First Barette!

2009-01-19T07:52:00.000-08:00

One of the best parts of having a girl is being able to "decorate" her! :)
I've long wished for a girl so that I could adorn her in black patent shoes, dresses, tights, bows, ribbons and barettes!!!!

My little bald baby got her very first barettes this weekend. I was so excited to find these teeny tiny ones.(The clip on the back is miniscule.) Rhysie barely even had enough "fluff" on her head for me to get the clip around. But I did IT!!

Here is Rhysie wearing her very FIRST barette!! :)

Real Life Monopoly...

2009-01-17T06:45:00.001-08:00

There has been a whirl wind of activity around here this past week and am I ever tired! Phew.....

We put our house up for sale on Jan the 13. It was time...We had done the majority of the touch ups that we wanted to do and it seemed like a good time. At this point in the "market" there is deffinitly a buyers advantage happening. Its not like it was last year where people were making sometimes double what they originally paid for their houses. But because we are both buying and selling...its works out okay for us.

Within 24 hours of listing the house we already had 4 showings. The realtor was very happy. I was panicked!!!! Everything was happening so darn fast. (Which I suppose is better than having no interest in the house at all...) I was cleaning and organizing like a mad woman. The thought of people in my home, looking at everything, critiquing..it made me obsessive about little details. (Launi has been ready to stuff me in a closet and leave me there.) Ive managed to keep the house in somewhat "good order"..though most of the time that requires me being gone all day with the kids..so that a certain 6 year old doesn't have a chance to do his usual ransacking. And because there have been so many showings..I haven't been able to be at home anyway. Its been rather difficult to balance everything with the kids..but we are doing our best!

So that brings us up to today (Saturday) Up to this point..I think we'd had 7 showings and yesterday the realtor called us to tell us that we already had an offer!
We were rather suprised! Only a few days on the market and already someone was seriously interested. ( I was freaked out...but also kind of happy when I thought about NOT having to keep the house in pristine condition anymore.) While happy, Im a little nervous as we haven't even really found a house that we are ready to put an offer on yet. (More about that later.....)

Our realtor came over and showed us the offer and unfortunately it was a good $30,000 belong our listing price. I really doubt how serious he is..as he just seems to want to play a game. (Something that hubby and I were trying to avoid by listing the house very reasonably..and below what everyone else was listing theirs , of equal value, at. ) And so our realtor is handling all the "countering offering" and in the mean time we have 2 more showings today that we hope will bring in another offer.
I have never done any of this before and I feel VERY stupid about it. But our realtor is great, which is very helpful.

We looked at 5 houses Thursday evening and we seen 2 that we very much like!! So we are going to look at them again today , along with another one that we didn't get to see last time. One house we like is older...but its been completely re-done. Its very open , brand new hardwood floors..its a really friendly, "homey" feeling house. But we'd have to do alot of painting as some of the colors are pretty loud. (They are oilers fans and the entire basement is painted in oilers colors....mmm hmm. )
And the master bdrm is so so small...I don't even know if our bed would fit into it.
The other house we like is new..and its the perfect house for a family. Lots of closets/storage space, big bathrooms and tons of room. I like the kitchen to. So we will look again, talk to the bank and see what happens.

Lots of changes. And Im not a fan of change so I keep having to remind myself to "breathe" and relax. Otherwise I feel like Im turning myself inside out. (Which is again...making Launi want to stuff me in a closet.)

I will keep everyone posted as to what happens on the "House" front. :)

Its a Girl!

2009-01-17T06:28:00.000-08:00

And its another baby girl for this family!! :)
A big CONGRATULATIONS to the Greens!!!!!!

It was so awesome being able to see this little girl. She looked quite content and happy in there. (Using her placenta as a pillow...so diva! :) ) She has a little turned up nose and had her hand sprawled across her forehead as if to say.."Whhhat do you people want NOW?" :) Gorgeous little peanut..even in "black and white"!!

I can't wait to meet you little baby!!

"Gimme Back MAH' Fry!!!!"

2009-01-08T16:39:00.000-08:00

This here, is a little girl who knows what she wants.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! (Boy or Girl? Stay Tuned!!)

2009-01-05T12:54:00.000-08:00

Happy new year to everyone!! :) I hope you all had thee merriest of holidays and that you were able to enjoy your families.

We are looking ahead to the year 2009 with much anticipation. We have recently just decided to put our house up for sale , so a new home is hopefully, in our very near future!! :) Even though we enjoy our little home...we seem to be bursting at the seams. We need a house with some more space, 3 bdrms on the main floor and within the "district" of Lijies school. (This will help me out hugely as then he will be able to be bused to school and I won't have to make the twice daily trek out with the baby.)

Rhys will turn 1 this year, Lijie will turn 7 (and start grade 1) and *I* will be 28. Launi's birthday will be the most MOMENTOUS, as he turns the dreaded 35. (I told him last night that at that point, he will have lived half of his life expectancy. He glared at me.) Poor bunches has a complex about getting "old"..and I admit I use it to my advantage frequently. Launi and I will also celebrate our 10 year anniversary in 2009!! Time is zooming by. We are wonderfully blessed...and busy. :)

We will also be receiving a new niece or nephew in May!! (Annie hopes April..but most likely May... ;) )Annie is already half way done and looking fabulous.
We are all waiting anxiously for her to have her ultrasound on Thursday so that we can find out whether this little peanut is a boy or a girl!!!! (My bets on BOY, but it seems like the majority is favoring girl.) Back in November I bought Annie one of those "Gender Predictor Tests". (from intelli gender, in case anyone wants to look up the info on it..) I happen to be very impatient and a 90% accuracy rate was good enough for me!! Id say she would have been around 12 weeks when she did the test and the results were:

Very definitely boy. :)

So now we shall see how accurate the test really is. I am very excited that I get to go with Annie to her ultrasound!! Weeeeeeeeeee! So stay tuned for the results on Thursday!!

Getting Her "Jump" On!!

2008-12-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

This is Rhys's new Toy!

She loves her jumperoo!! She bounces and bounces and bounces, giving those little legs a big work out. Lijie was never really all that interested in his jumper so I never expected that Rhysie would love hers so much.

She cracks me up when she is getting her "jump" on. So without further adieu, here is Miss Rhys, jumping!!! :)

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

2008-12-18T10:32:00.000-08:00

(Video to Follow! :)

I cannot believe that Rhys is already 6 months old. Where has the time gone? Why is it going by so fast?

She has changed SO much the last month..its unbelievable. I had forgotten alot of the things that they learn to do. And even though she is my second..I still laugh, think she's absolutely BRILLIANT, and gush over her achievements. :) (Even the small ones like...blowing spit bubbles.)

She's started eating "food". And as you will see in the video...bananas are her favorite! She's into 6 month jammies , she is loving her bouncer and her jumperoo. (You should see the kid bounce in the jumperoo....those legs are small but WOW can she move them!!!!!!!) She is grabbing at toys, chewing on everything (she loves auntie annies long hair..) rolling over and munching on her toes. She is sporting some pretty cute chubby cheeks and she is still balder than bald. She does have some fluff on top though...its stands up if I lotion it! :)

She is in love with her baths. She is liking the baby einstein video's and she has recently found her voice and has become VERY loud. (She already shrieks...the first few times it was cute!!) Lijie hollers at her to be quiet when she shrieks (yeah, isn't THAT the pot calling the kettle black.) and she looks at him and shrieks back even LOUDER! (Again..very funny the first few times. Now..not so much!)

She is just...wonderful. We are enjoying her so much. My only complaint is that she is getting way to big..way to fast.

Here is our Little peanut eating bananas for the first time! :)

My Sisters

2008-12-07T10:13:00.000-08:00

We had the opportunity to get a few pictures of all the "girls".
We also did a few family pictures.
And I look like a woolly mammoth in them so...you probably won't find them posted on my blog!!
This one turned out very well. (Thank god someone took just a HEAD shot. Which usually Im not overly fond of as I was blessed with Dads big pumpkin of a head. However, I am willing to be appreciate of this picture as the FULL LENGTH ones with me in them are less than attractive. But they say the camera adds 25 lbs right?!)

My sisters and I:

Metallica or bust!! (And Dani goes to her first concert ever!!)

2008-12-05T08:27:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time "dream" of Launi and I's (more so Launi's..) to go to a Metallica concert. So imagine my happiness when it was announced over the radio that they would be performing in Calgary!! Weee!
I waited on line to buy tickets the minute they went on sale and was happy to get 2 relatively good seats.
And so...we were going to go and see Metallica!!!!

(Launi and I's "song" is, Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. Scoff if you will, all you country fans, but its actually a good song. With Lyrics that you can understand and everything. :) )

So...I am not a die hard metal music fan. In fact...Im not even a "metal" fan.
I was introduced to Metallica by a friend I had, waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in high school. Before that, I didn't really know much about them. We listened to, Enter Sandman over and over and over again like a couple of retards. All of their other songs seemed so ...... loud and loud to me.

Then I started dating Launi and HE was a big Metallica fan. And because I wanted to be the doting, cool girlfriend I pretended to like Metallica to, learning the words to the songs and pretending to be interested when in actuality....after listening to them for 5 minutes they started to piss me off!!!! Launi had this blue truck that he ohh so loved, with a huge assed stereo in it. (With woofers and tweeters and hooters and scooters and...whatever the hell else boys put into their trucks for good "sound".) And we ALWAYS listened to Metallica. I became very farmiliar with songs like, master of puppets, justice for all, for whom the bell tolls, etc etc.
I was a good girlfriend and I grinned and beared it.

Along the way somewhere, I started to like them to. And I even had a few "favorites"
of my own!! I still wasn't into any of that thrasher crap that he was. But there was deffinately some songs that I started to "appreciate" and enjoy!!!

So Launi and I had NEVER ever, in our 10 years of marriage been to a concert together. In FACT..*I* had never ever been to a concert at all. That is right!!! 27 years old, and never been to a concert. Im not sure why exactely..I think the "anxiety" aspect had alot to do with it. The claustrophobia, the strobe lights, the PEOPLE..the impossibility of a quick get away IF I needed it.
However, over thee years I started thinking that perhaps I was missing something.
Perhaps it was time to go to a concert.
And so, I decided to, "Go big or go home." This would be the perfect test. Would *I* be able to go to a Metallica concert and not freak out and let my anxiety get the best of me?

First off we get to the Stadium and Launi and I are seperated at the door. Boys in one line, girls in another. And the lines were quite far apart!!!
What kind of crap was this?!! Apparently, women get "searched" by women. I could have cared less who checked me for weapons, but the women security guard was fairly scary and so I decided not to argue. So, all the way to the other side of the "vestabule" and at the BACK of the line I go. I get searched, my purse gets throughly ransacked and away we go. (Launi , the dear sweet lad, was patiently waiting for me at the front doors.)

We get some food on our way up to our seats. The concert was supposed to start @ 7:00 and it was already a bit after 7:00. So the lights were off and the first opening band was playing. As we walked out into the open stadium I was immediately hit with a waft of pot!! The stadium is rather empty looking. Its dark and we need to find our seats.
Finally find our seats (by the glow from my cell phone!) and listen to the opening bands. Yes. There were 2. And all they did was scream and call everyone "mother fu**ers." Couldn't understand any of their lyrics, though I did pick out them screaming "666" in one song. The retards behind us wouldn't their damn weed away so all night it was blowing past the back of my head. Kept obsessing that I was inhaling it and it was going to get in my breast milk and make the poor baby stupid. Spent alot of time with my shirt over my nose trying to "filter" it out!!! (And yes I know Im a retard..)

FINALLY @ 9:30 metallica was on stage. I will admit that one of my most favorite parts of the concert was when the whole stadium was pitch black and everyone was happily waving their lighters to and fro. (Im such a nerd.) I was all, "OOOOOOH. Prettty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" By this time the stadium was packed...and you couldn't see an empty seat anywhere. There was a vast differance in age groups...old biker men/chicks. People our age. Lots of teeny boppers! And lots of parents there with their kids. (My FAVORITE to watch. Heh heh...they looked ever so impressed to be there.)

To say the music was loud would be a HUGE understatement.
There was interesting "pyrotechnics". Though I will confess all I could think of as these balls of FLAME kept shooting into the air was, "Are we close to an exit? I hope they have fire extinguishers on the stage." They had funky strobe lights that were afixed to ...giant silver coffin like things. Kept hoping that the strobe lights wouldn't bring on some sort of epileptic seizure.

You should have seen the wankers who were dancing. Now...I "Like" Metallica. But I don't "Loooove" Metallica. And some people obviously "Loooooooooooooved" Metallica.
There was this old guy sitting in front of us and he kept getting up and playing "air guitar", while he head banged and spilt his beer all over himself.
He kept yelling, "OOOH MAN. OOOH GOD THIS IS GREAT. SOOO GREAT. YEEEEEAAAAAAAH. METALLICA ROCKSSSSS!!!!!"

When they finally finished I was ready to go home. I had heard the songs I came to hear, (they totally rocked Enter Sandman and Nothing Else Matters. Though I was rather disappointed that they didn't play Whiskey in a Jar. *sniff*) and I was ready to get some fresh air. The "haze" in the stadium was unbelieveable. My hair smelt like weed, and I had beer all over my purse!!

We paid $80 for a t-shirt and a toque and were on our way!!

Deffinitly a fun time! Was one of the best dates that Launi and I have been on in a long time. But...I don't want to do it again any time soon. I will be able to tell my kids that I survived a Metallica concert one day. But truthfully, I would have been just as happy to have been at home curled up on the couch watching Greys Anatomy! But it was something to experience and Im glad I did! :)

Grandpa

2008-12-01T07:35:00.000-08:00

All the memories I have of my Grandpa, are happy ones. He was quiet but playful. And he was never intimidating, as adults often seem to kids.
What made him extra special was that he was my only Grandpa. (All my other Grandpa's had died by the time I was old enough to have memories of them..)

When Grandpa started to show signs of Alzheimer's, no one wanted to believe it. But as the disease slowly progressed and started to take over more and more of who he was, the effects became undeniable. Its so sad to watch someone you know and love, lose themselves and forget who they are, forget who YOU are. I can't imagine how hard it was for my mom, aunts and uncles to see that happen. When I think of it happening to one of my parents...its something I just can't comprehend. Sadder to perhaps, is the spouses who get left behind, forgotten and inevitably become the caretaker.

About 7 months ago I took Lijie to see my Grandpa in extended care. I was very nervous about how Lijie was going to react to everything. Grandpa was still walking at this point but he didn't know who anyone was and he wasn't talking.
We walked into the hospital and there was Grandpa, dressed neatly and looking lost. Like he was waiting for someone, but he didn't know who.
We all went up to him and hugged him. When it was Lijies turn I subconsciously held my breath. Lijie threw his arms around Grandpa and said, "Grandpa!!!!! I've missed you SO MUCH!!!!"
Grandpa hugged him back and his eyes smiled.
Lijie stood back , took Grandpa's hand in his own and said, "Come on. Lets go for a walk!" And so they walked, hand in hand, around the hospital.

Later on that morning Lijie found a ball and was playing with it in one of the common rooms. Grandpa sat and watched him very intently. Lijie would kick the ball and run after it giggling. Back and forth, he never seemed to tire of this game.
Grandpa kept watching him.
All of a sudden Grandpa turned his head to me and said, very clearly, "He sure is nice, isn't he!?!!"
My heart was singing!! Grandpa talked!! He hadn't talked in quite some time.
And at that moment he seemed happy.

Before we left that day I hung my head sadly, in a quiet corner of his bedroom while no one was looking, and I said goodbye to my Grandpa. I knew that it would probably be the last time that I would see him. The last time I would hear his voice. The last time that my son would get to see his great grandpa.
Later on, whenever I spoke of wanting to go and visit with him, my mom always said I shouldn't. He wasn't grandpa anymore. She said that my last memory of him was a good one...and that's what I should be left with.

And so...sadly, yet blessedly, he passed away a week ago.
It doesn't seem fair that Lijie will never get to run around on Grandpa's farm, visit with him in his garage, or get to know him like I did.

Grandpa's funeral was packed with people who knew him and loved him. I was in awe of how many people were there. How many people obviously respected and cherished some part of my Grandpa. It made me think alot about what kind of person I want to be..and what kind of "legacy" I want to leave behind me.

Admirably, my grandma had been very devoted to my grandpa right up until the end. She was very involved in his care and went to the hospital once a day (often twice) to feed him his meals.This went on for more than 2 years. Despite what had transpired between my grandma and me over the years and whatever water there was under the bridge, I always looked upon her with alot of admiration for this.
After the luncheon my sister found my grandma and took her aside. Holding her hand she thanked grandma for how loyally and devotedly she cared for grandpa. My grandma squeezed my sisters hand and said very simply back, "Well.. I Loved Him!"
They had been married for 62 years.

Rest peacefully Grandpa. I love you.

Beauty Queen

2008-11-12T07:10:00.000-08:00

Rhys is 5 months old already. Where has the time gone?!
What a gorgeous girl, laughing and smiley all of the time. Oh how we love you!!

Elijah is 6 years old today!!

2008-11-12T06:58:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe how grown up my boy looks. *sniff sniff* What a beautiful little man!!

Lijie..you are so full of life and "spirit"! You're giggley, goofy, happy and imaginative. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. :)
I love you!
xox
mom

"What are you DOING?" .... "Pretending I'm a garbage man!!!!"

2008-11-06T08:18:00.001-08:00

Yes, that is 2 giant bags of pop bottles at the bottom of Lijies slide.
(AND the contents of my recycling box...)

Why, you ask?
The title should tip you off.

p.s
And for inquiring minds....Launi cleaned it up. He owed me one!!!!

Jayden Gets a Dye Job

2008-11-04T09:42:00.001-08:00

Apparently...because Jaydens eyebrows weren't meshing with his bleach job, Annie decided that he needed another dye job to even out the conflicting "tones".

The poor dear wasn't all that excited about the thought of another dye procedure.
"Is this the STUFF that makes my HEAD itch MOM?"
"NOT AGAIN."

But a grape freezie and a pen ( so that he could scratch the itchy spots without gets his fingers all gooey with dye..) seemed to take care of the complaints.

I had the privledge of rinsing the crap out of his hair.
"ARE YOU DONE YET?"
"MY EYES ARE STINGING.."
"WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I OPEN MY EYES??"
"WILL YOU HURRRRRRRY UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Here is Jayden with the dye and saran wrap on his head. Uncle Launi tried to make a crack about how dying hair is "for girls". But that was quickly nipped in the bud with a quick, "And YOU used to let your mom perm YOUR hair" comment.

Such a good sport!! :)

And here is thee after photo!

A Trip To The Park...(and dani realizes she is to fat and old to jump off a swing.)

2008-11-04T08:23:00.000-08:00

Since Annie is staying with us while she is on bedrest, I thought I would take the boys to the park so that they could run off some of their pent up energy!! (Energy in a 6 year old boy? Oh...My...Gawd. Energy in 2 six year old? OH...MY....GAWWWWD.)
Annie had that crazy look in her eyes so I knew it was time to get them out of the house.

I was pushing Jayden on the swing and Im not really 100% sure what happened (he was defying the laws on gravity..) but he took a wee bit of face plant off the swing and landed with a hefty *thud*. As I braced myself for the howling, I realized that he was being really rather stoic about it, however he was mad at me..thinking that I had *pushed* him off.

Trying to make him feel better and laugh I let the boys push me on the swing. (and in my defence..I don't think it was as strenuous and HARD as they were making it out to be. There was a lot of loud huffing and puffing coming from them.) As I was "swinging" I was brought back to my childhood and the hours that I spent on the swings. I LOVED the swings. The wind in my hair, the rush of going UP and falling back..and the dare devil "should I jump off the swing when Im going this high?" dialogue that went on in my head.
Being the dumb ass that I am and really wanting to make the boys laugh and enjoy their park visit, I yelled from the swing..
"WATCH MEEEE BOYSSSS. I WILL JUMP OFF!!!"
This kind of surprised them both and they stood watching me with rapt attention.
After I said it...I momentarily thought.."Dani..what in the hell are you doing?"
But not wanting to disappoint my audience and seem like a sissy I forged ahead.

Did I mention defying the laws of gravity?
Yeah.
2 things happened as I was leaping from atop the swing seat...my shoes flew off my feet...and my boobs became airborne before I did. Thusly...as I was "landing"..my boobs landed first, and then I did..with a big fat thud and a cyclone of sand around me.

Perhaps it was my shoes flying off my feet that threw me off..or maybe I was distracted by the excruciating pain in my boobies. (It felt like someone had slammed them in a door.) Whatever the case my legs flew out from under me and my landing was not smooth and graceful as I had hoped. Instead, I almost broke my kneecaps. (Had a bit of a searing pain in my ankle as well...)

Sitting there, (with sand in my eyes..and as I discovered later, some in my underwear.) trying to process all that had happened, I look at the boys and they are standing there in stunned silence staring at me. Then I hear..
"Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh."

Gathering my shoes (and trying to regain some dignity...) I said,
"Wow. That was pretty good eh?"
And as they ran off (trying to pretend they didn't know who I was..no doubt) I heard a, "Yeah. I guess."

By the way, In case anyone is interested...Im still sore!!!

And this is how Rhysie enjoyed the park visit..from her carseat!!

The difference between you and me is....Part 2

2008-10-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

All the events of the past week have only proved to me that there is a vast difference between being a man and being a woman.
Or perhaps its the difference between being a Dad and being a Mom.

Launi had a week off work.
He got to sleep for 14 hours each night and have a 2-3 hour nap each afternoon.
Ive been fighting this bug for the past 4 days..it won't go away. I have decided this is due to lack of SLEEP and stress. When a man is sick, the whole world stops for him. He can sleep for 14 hours straight, have naps when he feels like it and in general, be OUT of commision.
A woman/mom cannot.

Launi was sick and I took "care" of him.
When I told Launi I was feeling like I was getting "something" he said, and I quote:
"Its to bad I won't be able to take care of you..since I'll be working and all."

Sometimes..when you are a mother you feel completely and utterly alone.

I feel good knowing that Lijies surgery went well and that its done and over with. Hopefully he will get the relief that he needs! He's finally past his mean "phase".
(I don't know if it was him being in pain, or from all the junk he ate with soy in it at the hospital..or most likely a combo of both but ...the 3 days after he got out of the hospital were REALLY bad. You couldn't even look at him without him growling at you for something. He was a bear!!)

We survived the week.
And sometimes I guess...that has to be enough!

d

The difference between you and me is....

2008-10-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

My insides feel like they are going to explode. So this may be a bit of a ranting post. Proceed with caution and at your own risk.

Where to begin? My god...this week has been so awful. Ive been running on adrenaline and caffiene and now Im ready to crash. Im burnt out. Im tired. Im completely and utterly exhausted.

Monday we left for calgary. We had some shopping to do and we thought it would be a good idea to be in the city since Lijies surgery was scheduled for early the next morning. We got insanely lost in calgary trying to get from IKEA (which was MY idea..) back to the other end of the city where the Childrens Hospital was. We got to IKEA fine..no problems. But getting back? Geesh....We left Ikea at 7:00pm and didn't get back to the other end of the city until 9:30pm. 2.5 hours of pure hell. Launi had no idea where the hell he was going. But he wouldn't admit it. So we kept driving in circles. Rhys was screaming in the back seat, Lijie was whining "When are we going to be at the HOOOOOTEL? Im tired of this CAR. Are we there YET? Quit turning around Daddy. Are we there yet? Where is the HOOOOTEL?"
I was ready to loose my mind. We hadn't eaten since lunch.
Finally we find motel village and pull into the first hotel we see.
We unpack the kids, all our luggage and crap, get to the front desk and...
"Im sorry, we have no rooms available."
Are you kidding me?

Back to the truck, pack the kids up and off to find an other hotel.
We find a Best Western that has room available. Horray!
By this time its after 10:00 and we still need to find a place to eat.

We eat at a nearby chili's and by the time we get back to the hotel its 11:30 and Lijie wants to put his 10000 piece lego "Star Wars Ice Land" together. *ARGH*

Set the alarm for 7:00 am nervous about Lijies surgery the next day.

Alarm goes off bright and early.
Launi gets up complaining about his stomach. I Think in my mind..."Do NOT do this to me today.." but obviously can't say it..because its not his fault he's sick...but GOD what crappy timing. I toss some gravol at him and PRAY that he'll be fine.

Get the kids ready and dressed, by this time its 7:30. We have to be at admitting by 8:30. Launi groans and gets out of bed, Then makes a mad dash for the bathroom. I turn up TreeHouse REALLY loud so Lijie can't hear his Dad barfing.

Launi stays in the bathroom for awhile. I am outside panicing.
This can't be happening. We have to leave in 10 minutes and Launi's got his head in the toilet. Lijie prances around oblivious asking me if we can live in the hotel forever.

Launi emerges from the bathroom looking better. He confirms he feels better and is ready for a coffee!! We conclude he must have food poisoning. Want to feel sorry for him but am to worried about LIjie and the upcoming surgery.

We get to the hospital and get Lijie admitted. All his pre-surgery stuff gets done and then we have to wait. (Its 9:00 by this time and we have until 10:40 when surgery is scheduled.) Lijie is doing quite well actually. Hes happy to have his own DVD player and LARGE selection of DVD's to choose from.
In the meantime...Launi starts to feel worse.
Im left alone with both kids while Launi camps out in front of the mens bathroom down the hall.

FINALLY a porter comes to get Lijie and take him to the OR waiting room. We roll Lij down the hall to the OR and wait some more. Launi attempted to wait in the OR waiting room with us but was to nauseaous. He goes back to camp out by the bathroom...Im left with Rhys and Lij. The anesthesiologist comes and wants to talk to us. Lijie keeps asking for his Dad. Im trying to distract him whilst taking care of Rhys and trying to answer the anesthesiologists questions. Starting to feel overwhelmed and very anxious and develop a twitch in my eye ball.

They finally come and roll Lijie into the OR. He is VERY brave and stoic. When he gave me a kiss good bye I get teary...and feel bad that Launi's not there.
I go to find Launi. They said the surgery would be 45 mins and that the surgeon would come see us in the waiting room when they were done.
Find Launi in front of the bathroom.
He's pale and pastey and very sweaty.
At this point I have NO idea what we are going to do. Can't take him to emergency downstairs as its a childrens hospital and they don't see adults. Can't take him anywhere else because one parent HAS to be on the 3rd floor at all times.
How are we going to get home? what if he's to sick to go home? WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SICK TODAY?

Launi starts to complain about being really tired and weak. I go off in search of a chair since he can't leave his post by the bathroom.
As Im walking back down the hall with a chair on top of the stroller, Im thinking that this really and truly sucks ass.

Launi sits in the chair getting paler and paler.
Use this time to tell him that hows he's feeling right now, is what it feels like to be pregnant...only it lasts 3 months. Am feeling slightly annoyed. But then feel BAD for feeling annoyed. Its not his fault he's sick. But I can't help but feel irritated none the less. This is NOT supposed to be happening.
Im supposed to be in the waiting room, waiting for the surgeon to come and talk to me. But I feel bad leaving Launi behind to sit in the chair feeling like he's dieing by himself. Rhys starts crying because she's hungry. Launi sweats and gets paler.

Feel like screaming and cutting myself into three pieces so that each person who needs me will have a piece of me. I know if I don't go into the waiting room I will miss the surgeon so I abandon Launi and go wait for some news, feeling very inept, worried and guilty.

Surgeon comes in and says the surgery went well. Adenoids out, tubes in..and Lijie is in recovery. I go out and tell Launi that Lijie made it through okay. Launi looking worse. Told him that maybe he should go to the truck and see if he can sleep. Launi not sure he can physically make it to truck but attempts it.

Lijie gets rolled out of recovery and into his room. He seems pretty good...but very dopey. His eyes won't focus and he's saying wierd things that make no sense. I sit down beside the bed with Rhys who is hungry again. Try to hold Lijies hand and breast feed the baby at the same time. Feel like Im not being attentive enough to Lijie...but can't starve the baby. Feel torn in two and guilty again. Hope that Launi has made it to the truck and not passed out along the way. Feel guilty I can't be with HIM.

Next thing you know my guilt trip is being interrupted by Lijie throwing up lots of bright neon green popsicle!! Try to hold the basin under his chin whilst Rhys , oblivious to everything, continues to EAT.
I think that God must hate me.

A nurse comes and rescues me. She leaves to get new bedding and Lijie yaks again.
My poor boy. :( He was not feeling very well. (Though as soon as he was done barfing he asked for another popsicle.) Grab a face cloth and try to console Lijie who isn't really all that upset about the throwing up...but mad that they won't give him another popsicle!!
The nurse decides to give him gravol.
Gravol in.
Lijie very extremely dopey.
Rhys starts to get fussey and needs to go to sleep but WON'T.
By this time its after 1:00 and I haven't eaten anything because I can't leave the 3rd floor. Scrounge around in the diaper bag and find a squished package of graham crackers. Inhale them whilst bouncing Rhys on my knee and trying to console Lijie who is so high on gravol that I doubt he noticed I was even there.

Start to wonder how Launi is doing. Hope he hasn't died in the truck because that would make the day even worse.
Remember at this point that I have to pee, and have HAD to pee for about 2 hours.
Rhys needs to be changed and Lijie is hollering for a new DVD.
Try to formulate a plan of action in my head...but don't know what to do. Stay in a hotel for another night? Take the boys home? Am I going to have to drive home after all this? My mind whirls...and I feel very alone.

2:30 rolls around. Only another hour and a half left.
Lijie gets hungry and in the span of half an hour inhales 4 popsicles, red jello, a can of soup and 6 pkgs of crackers!! Can't help but watch in agony thinking about how he's probably going to throw it all up in the truck on the way home.

Launi finally emerges looking better.
He slept in the truck and his nausea is better, though he's really weak and dehydrated.
The plan is for me to drive home. Joyous.
At this point Im starting to feel like I might crack.

They finally discharge Lijie and we're ON our way home.
I make it through downtown Calgary and Im on the Deerfoot. Rhys has been screaming in the back seat, Lijie has been screaming at her to STOP screaming and Launi is huddled up underneath his coat looking like death.

Rhys screams until we get to Airdrie and I can't take it anymore.
I pull into Tim Hortons and order myself a HUGE coffee and the largest box of timbits they have. Make an attempt to feed Rhys..she isn't really interested , though she is quite happy to be out of her carseat. Thusly she is equally as MAD when I put her back in.
She screams until we get to didsbury and then finally goes to sleep.
I am NEAR TEARS.
Lijie keeps asking every 2 minutes if we're home yet.
Rhys wakes up at Innisfail and resumes crying.

When we FINALLY pull into Red Deer I am weak with relief. I am so happy to finally be home.

To Be Continued.....

Surgery in 2 days!!

2008-10-19T07:50:00.000-07:00

Lijies surgery is finally nearing. It seemed like it was taking forever to get here, and now it feels like its coming way to fast.
On Tuesday he will be at the Childrens hospital getting new ear tubes put in and his adenoids taken out. They are very hopeful that this will solve alot of his ear and allergy problems! Unfortunately we have had to wait way to long for this to happen...which is maddening beyond belief. But maybe it worked out for the best. Because the ENT in RD was an idiot we were referred to a lady in Calgary and she is going to do it at the Childrens Hospital, which is probably alot better in the long run. I just hope it gives Lij some relief..he said his ears have been "popping and ringing" lately and he constantly has trouble hearing.

So we are heading into the city tomorrow and we'll do some shopping and stay overnight. We have to be at the hospital early Tuesday so we figured it would be easier to get a hotel room, instead of driving. We've tried to talk a little bit about the surgery but Lij is pretty definite about NOT wanting to talk about it. I don't feel like we've "prepared" him enough for it but...he's only 5 so theres only so much we can say. Ive heard nothing but good things about the hospital so that makes me feel a little bit better. For the time being..he is super excited about staying in a hotel and going swimming. He's been "packed" (he lugged out his little "lightening" suitcase on wheels and stuffed it to capacity!!!!!!!) for 6 days. Im hoping everything goes smoothly. *fingers crossed*

Happiness IS:

2008-10-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

....a new washer and dryer!!!!!!!!
YAAAAAAAAY for ME!

Ive always said that our single BEST purchase in the past 5 years has been our king sized bed. But now..I would have to say that its definitely my new washer and dryer! I am in lurve!!

My old dryer was on its last legs.
For one thing..the stupid assed door would never stay shut. So I was always running down stairs shutting (slamming) the door so that the dryer would "start" again. This made me mad MANY times because I would turn the dryer on before bed because I needed something dry for the morning..only to come downstairs and see that the door had opened and there were my needed clothes sitting in a wet heap in the bottom of the dryer. *hmph*
I had to resort to duct taping the door shut. (And Lijie was always peeling the tape off.)
Also, I had lost the turney knob (to select time and TYPE of dry..)about 4 years ago and we've had to use pliers to turn it on ever since. This is a pain...especially when someone LOOSES the pliers and I have to go hunting for them.
(Many house guests would stand perplexed in front of my dryer going.."Um....how do you work this thing?" Then Id have to say, "Well first you need to tape the door shut..then you take these pliers..." )
And probably the most annoying thing ever...the "laundry's done" buzzer had gotten stuck so every time the laundry was "cooked" the buzzer would come on..and wouldn't shut off until you opened the door. (Or...untaped the door..I should say.)
I would forget this EVERY TIME and turn a load on and go to bed, only to hear: "BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" 80 minutes later. (Usually around 12:30-1:00 AM.) Waking up to that damn buzzer would really make me mad. Id stumble out of bed, stomp down stairs, untape the door and then sometimes...give the dryer a hefty kick.
(What was WORSE was when the dumb thing would buzz and wake one of the kids up.)

I could only dry 4 towels in the dryer at a time and 2 pairs of jeans with some shirts. (Otherwise the stupid thing would make this grindy, whining sound and start to smell like something was burning.)I was doing an average of 15-20 loads of laundry per week.

So, imagine my great GLEE when my new washer and dryer were delivered. (Imagine Launi's glee..I wouldn't be bitching about the old set anymore and constantly yelling from the basement.."I HATE THIS DAMN DRYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" )

I think the BEST part ..is that the dryer makes the most pleasant sound when you turn it on.
"Bo beepy beep boop".
Kind of like...when fairies wave their wands on a disney movie. (Remember disney books on record? The sound that they would make after they said, "You may now turn the page." Yeah...that sound!!)

The first time I put a load in (and because they are front loaders I can pack alot in there..) I stood back and watched in amazement!!!! I yelled for Launi to come and share in my joy..but he hollered back from the living room.."I can't. Im all comfy on the couch!!" Men....

Think me an idoiot if you will but last night before I went to bed, I threw my arms around the dryer and whispered sweet nothings into its ear!!! AND...it didn't BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ back! ;)

Friends, Giraffes, Baskets, Bumbo's and Beer! :)

2008-10-02T09:30:00.000-07:00

Rhysie rolled for the FIRST time 2 nights ago!!!
She is getting way to big, way to fast. I want everything to stop and slow down so that I can enjoy it and not forget a thing!

"Come and Laugh with me"

2008-10-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

First laughs are the sweetest..
Annie discovered that "Boing" makes Rhysie laugh. :)

My heart is full!

You are so Beautiful to me....

2008-09-29T06:49:00.000-07:00

My Rhysie Girl!

*Special thanks to Laurie!!!

Weekend Craziness!

2008-09-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

Saturday mornings have always been a favorite of mine!

Everyone is home. "Usually", no one is rushing out the door to work or school and everyone is relaxed, happily anticipating the weekend.
Growing up, Saturday was cleaning day. Dad would whirl around doing laundry, mopping, etc. We always had to clean our rooms. (And suck up annies hair in the vacuum...Story for another time.)

We'd always go and buy a ton of groceries and usually that was the day we'd all go to the library and load up on a ton of books!! Saturdays..were always good days.

My sister(s) hosted an awesome baby shower for Rhys and I yesterday. It was wonderfully pink and cozy! We had alot of friends and family there and it was so nice to "share" Rhys and "welcome" her to those who are the most important to us and love us so much. With that, we've truly been blessed.
(It sucks that we have family that lives so far away and can't be at things like this. :( My sister in texas who is WAY to far away from us. My cousins in australia who are a whole world away..and friends who I feel badly that weren't there.)

Thank you to everyone who was able to come. It means alot to us!! Family is the most important thing in the world to me. Traditions and friends, supporting each other, helping and being there...all those things are what is truly important and matters the most in life. I hope to "give" these things to my kids!

I hope everyone had a good weekend filled with lots of love and laughs!
xox
d

Princess Rhys

2008-09-21T21:16:00.001-07:00

She must get it from her dad...

2008-09-21T21:12:00.001-07:00

...her love of "talking". Well...ok. Maybe she gets it from me. :)

Sleeping Beauty

2008-09-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

Rhys and I have frequent coffee dates at Lauries house. She has the most fabulous baby gym that Rhys loves to lay under. We always put it on top of the table and she lounges while we chat. A couple of days ago we were talking away when we looked over and there was Rhysie sleeping, holding on to the "legs" of a couple of the toys!!
It was so cute!!!

Lijies New Bedroom!

2008-09-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

Lijie got a "new bedroom" this weekend. :)

Before pictures:

Lijie INSISTED that Launi buy these ugly white painters hats. He was so cute though..he made sure that he got one for each of us!! :)

This was the wall color before. It was an olivey green color. Lijie had a wall in his room that was COVERED in stickers. It was NOT fun peeling them all off. He was deffinately ready for something new in his room. The color was pretty neutral and boring!

Color going on the walls!! Very exciting. Lijie was "helping". Annie walked in..seen him painting and said.."Oh My. I just couldn't do that.." HeeHee.

The two painters! :)

First coat on!

And our masterpiece..The "Stripey" Wall!! When I told Launi about my idea of stripes for Lijies room..he shook his head and sighed. BUT..he humored me and I think it turned out rather well. :) Lijie really likes it. He calls them "his stripes".

Another idea of mine that Launi was confused about but it didn't turn out to badly.
Circles mirrors on the wall. Just something fun...!

We call this the "candy" wall. Lijie got two new shelves. I had some glass canisters that Ive had forever..so I filled one with blue whale candies and the other with bright lime green peppermints. The colors matched the room perfectly and added something fun. The saying above the shelves seemed to match Lijie perfectly. :)

Lijie is enjoying his new room. Though he did tell me tonight that it didn't smell the same. :)

Hurricane Ike..eat your heart out...

2008-09-18T06:26:00.001-07:00

Thursday morning:
I am braving Hurricane Lijie.
~Gale force words have been blowing at upwards of 250 mph.
Practise and perfect your "duck and cover". Shoes, books, toys and limbs have been used as projectiles.
Its essential to remember your emergency stash of emotional fortitude and strength!!
Make sure its STOCKED.
In the heat of panic remember: eventually the hurricane will blow itself out.
Don't take it personally when the hurricane seems to pick on your house but leaves the next one intact.
You have to be calm and strong. Try and remember to put your bra on in the morning and brush your teeth. The opportunity may not present itself again!

Anyone else want to come and hide in the bath tub with me?
I'll bring the vodka and candles.

Future Olympic Swimmer!!

2008-09-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

This baby girl makes my heart smile! :)
I LOVE this video!

Follow Me! :)

2008-09-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

Ive added a neeeew feature to my blog.
Check it out..you can enter yer info and be a "follower" of meeee blog!
And please do. I welcome stalkers. :)

"Im just the best thing going!"

2008-09-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

A new video of my little miss.
She had JUST discovered herself in the mirror. And she fancied herself pretty wonderful!!! It was so cute, I had to "film" it. :)

Rhysie 3 months old

2008-09-13T07:59:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe how fast time has flown and how BIG Rhys is getting!
She gets more beautiful every day. :) And she gets more BUSY every day. You can tell she just wants to get up and follow her brother everywhere. I can't wait till she is toddling around after him. (Well..I say that now...but I will probably take it back when its actually happening! :) )

So she is starting to REALLY look like her daddy. Those big blue eyes have turned a greeny hazely color..and exact same as Launi's! Her hair looks like its coming in rather dark as well. She has his ears and his dimples. (So Cute..)
The poor dear has my nose though. And she is quite fair like me. But she is definitely her daddies girl.

School Daze!

2008-09-13T07:40:00.000-07:00

We're back at school!! :)

Lijie has enjoyed his first couple of weeks. We aren't doing to badly with the new routine. Though it seems like no matter how early I get up every morning, Im still running behind. Its alot of work to get Me, Lijie and Rhys up, dressed, fed, cleaned up and out the door by 8:20. And then it starts all over again when I pick Lij up at 11:30. Thank the good lord above for coffee!!!

Lijie has a really lovely kindergarden teacher. She handles him quite well. And she lets him have an imagination. (Unlike some teachers I know...*grumble*)
The first day of school Lijie was "Indy Boy" all day. (He's a bit of an indiana jones fanatic..)

The last couple of days have been rougher at school for him. I think the honeymoon is over and he's realising that school is hard work. I told him that school is his job and he said.."Well...I really don't want that job."
Welcome to the real world my son!!!!!!
He told me that there were to many teachers in his class room (1 teacher plus 3 EA's)
and that I wasn't allowed to talk to his teacher after class when I go to pick him up. (He knows that I get the "low down" on how the day was everyday after class.)

Everyday I watch him line up and walk into the school and he just looks so....big. :(
School is kind of a turning point..when you realise how grown up your kids are. Its also when you send them off and let someone else be responsible for them and that separation is strange.

Here are some pics of Lijie's FIRST day of School!! :)

Early morning..just waking up. I admire his ability to be so smiley in the morning. He gets that from his dad!!

Breakfast..and a little DS time before we leave.

Big Boy!

All grown up. I can't believe how big he looks in this picture...

Its been a long week...

2008-08-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

Well school starts in a couple of days and the past week has been so busy and hectic. Lijie is totally ready to be going back. He is so bored and I just can't seem to keep him busy enough.

Im just tired. I haven't been sleeping worth a damn and my mind is constantly pre-occupied and whirling, chewing over different concerns and worries. Im having a hard time turning myself off..so I always feel like Im ready to come unhinged and go flapping around the room like a bat. My anxiety has hit an all time high. It seems like I can't make a decision to save my life. I had to buy a toothbrush the other day and I stood there for 10 minutes and was damn near in tears by the time I left. I could NOT pick out a toothbrush. There were just TO Many to choose from. Stupid little things like that. I couldn't decide on pants for Lijie for back to school. Its just been ridiculous.

I feel like Im impatient and snarky all the time. Launi took the last of the creamer in his coffee this morning before he left for work. I got up for my much needed cup of coffee and discovered this...and I wanted to shove the coffee pot up his bum.
This morning Lijie ate a rice krispie square and a package of 100 calorie short bread cookies for breakfast. Then he proceeded to fill up a grocery bag full of water. This was all AFTER he got out a suitcase and filled it with all the clothes he had in his drawers. (And then kind of threw them merrily about the living room.) When I asked him WHY he would do this..he said because he was going to live in a hotel because, "I loooove hotels mom!!" (He had also packed a towel and toilet paper...) Every 10 seconds he is asking if I will take him to "Kids fer us" (toys r' us.) and I feel like if he asks me one more time my head will explode.
Added to this emotion , the feeling of being on the verge of tears ALL DAY and yeah....I guess you could say its been a long week.

I took all the mats out of my truck thinking it would be a good day to vacuum out the inside. Yeah that was 6 says ago. Launi kept asking me when I was going to put the mats back in the truck and it was making me mad because...I don't even have time to brush my teeth..the thought of having to MAKE time to put the mats back in the truck (that I never actually got around to cleaning...)was making me want to cry as well. Added to that...the fact that a couple of nights ago I got Launi a banana cream pie blizzard from dairy queen and the bastards filled it to cock a doody full..and when I took a corner at a pretty fast CLIP the damn thing tipped over and spilt ALL over my console, my gear shift, my FEET , the seat...(and this was all whilst I was driving..) so I had a huge banananey mess to clean up as well as put the mats back in the stupid truck that I never actually got around to vacuuming.

Im overwhelmed with how much I can't stand my body. *ugd* I feel so gross and fat and ugly compared to every other person I see. I swear..I compare myself to everyone and everything. I know that Rhys is only 2 and a half months old..and Id do it all over again in a second, even if I got twice as big...but I still can't seem to get my head wrapped around it. Ive attempted to diet in my own pathetic way..but its really hard because Rhys is nursing every 2 hours..and I feel thats taking alot out of me. I feel frustrated because I don't have the time to exercise or go to the gym. And Im tired of feeling so fat and ugly. I am constantly worried that maybe Launi is embarrassed of me..because of how I look. I have to go to a family diner on Monday (his side of the family..which is causing me large amounts of anxiety.) and Im already trying to think of ways to be sick by then..because I know I will be the fattest , yuckiest wife there. What if hubby feels embarrassed to have me there?
Im embarrassed of myself...how can HE not be? And irrationally it makes me upset because he is GOOD LOOKING..and I always imagine that people wonder why he is with me..the yucky looking wife. You know..the odd couple...the cute guy with the ugly wife who everyone thinks he just took pity on?! I know its all irrational but I can't help "feeling" it all the same. He's never made me feel this way..I seem to make myself feel this way. I know its not him. Its ME.

The size of my underwear brought me to tears yesterday. I was folding clothes and came upon a pair of mine..and whilst folding them thought MY LORD..you could make a large sized FLAG out of these suckers. (And they were white underwear to...and there is something about wearing white anything that just makes a person feel like a whale...especially underwear!!!)

I need a really long nap.
On the upside both kids are doing really well!!
Rhys is gorgeous and growing bigger everyday. She is smiling and "talking". She makes me feel joy everyday.
Lijie and his imagination make me laugh on an hourly basis. He is so theatrical and dramatic. He is getting smarter everyday!
Hubby is happy and busy with work. He has a new partner and things are working out very well with that.

My brain hurts. And the lack of coffee this morning has left me feeling sleepy and foggy. :) I think a trip to tim hortons is in order. (Maybe half a dozen donuts will help to!!)

R.I.P Spot

2008-08-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

Spot died tonite.

To make Lijie feel better, Launi told him that we would buy him a lizard.
Wish he would have offered him MONEY instead.
A toy from Toys R US perhaps.
A trip to the ZOO.
But nooooooooo....he had to offer him a LIZARD.

Do lizards smell?
Do you have to feed them "live" things?
If so, I might have to move out.

Pretty Baby!

2008-08-17T09:08:00.000-07:00

Sticking out my tongue at Mom!!

Sun Soaked

2008-08-17T08:57:00.001-07:00

We spent a lovely day at the beach yesterday!! :)

It was insanely hot so we waited until later in the day and when we got there at 7:00 it was still really warm and busy. But we staked out a shady spot on the grass and had a great time.

About 9:30 the sun started to go down. We all sat on the beach and watched the sunset. The kids were still in the water and it was neat watching them swim with the sunset in the background.

When I was a kid my mom used to take us to the same beach that I am now taking MY kids to. :)
It was a good day!!

I love this picture of Lijie. He had so much fun!! For 2 hours all he did was jump in the water, get out and do it all over again!

He also spent alot of time "shoveling". (And flinging the sand around. Boys...)

Rhys is such a beach bum! She had this cheeky look on her face the whole time!

Spot

2008-08-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

We recently found out that Lijie is allergic to dogs.
Sadly, we had to give away Fyn. :(
(Okay so...not so sad for me..but VERY sad for Lijie. Fyn was his first dog..and it was very hard for him to have to part with his dog.)
We were able to find him a very good home where Lijie can go and see him whenever he wants. So we are lucky in that respect!

Lijie is absolutely in love with animals. ANY animal. Even odd animals like crows and rats and lizards and things. At least twice a day (for the past 3 years) Lijie asks us if we can move to a "Farm". He wants to have chickens and "put the eggs in a basket." Since mommy is a certified born and bred city girl...I am in awe of him and wonder where/who he gets this from?!! (Don't think Id do so well on a farm so when he asks I smile and say, "Maybe some day!!!".)

I feel bad for him that he can't really have a pet. (And that we had to give away the pet that he loved so much...) I think pets are really good for kids!! And sadly we can't have anything with fur..and that narrows down the list of Fun and interactive pets quite a bit.

So about 6 months ago..I had "mommy guilt" and we decided to give in and let Lijie have fish. We bought him an aquarium that we set up in his room and he loves it!!!
However, we've been through....quite a few fish. (Every time Launi had to dig out the net and flush one he would mumble under his breath "I HATE fish.") However...this one goldfish that we got many months ago has managed to stay alive. He ended up being the only fish in the tank because Launi refused to buy anymore because they just kept ..dieing. So Lijie named the lone fish "Spot".

I don't know HOW this fish has survived as long as he has. For one thing...Lijie can't seem to keep his HANDS out of the tank. (Which drives me insane.) Many times Ive walked into his room to see him hunched over the tank with his arms in up to his elbows swirling the water around. He says he wants to "pet" Spot. *sigh* And so ensues a loooooooong discussion about why we can't "Pet" fish..we can only LOOK at them. (Lijie inevitably always says "Well.....thats boring." And we have the same discussion again in 2 weeks when he tries to pet the fish...AGAIN.)
Spot must have a hearty immune system as Im sure if we tested Lijies hands about 9 million different bacterias and germs would show up. (Sometimes....I wish I could steam clean him...)

As well...I am afraid to "fuss" with the tank water to much because Im sure this would send Spot into shock and he would die. Also, to be honest its just not high up on my list of priorities. So as of late, the tank has been QUITE green with algae.
(Okay very green with Algae...) But every morning , there Spot is...swimming around merrily, looking quite content in his swamp.

Yesterday I put Lijie down for a nap in the afternoon. He wasn't really interested in napping though and I kept hearing him playing around and making noise. So after an hour I gave up and let him get up. As I was re-making his bed I happened to look over at the tank and was startled when I noticed that it was a tad....murkier than normal. In fact...you couldn't really see through the water.
Upon closer inspection I noticed large clumps of guck all along the bottom of the tank. ALOT of large clumps. It wasn't until a moment later I noticed the empty fish food can on the dresser. (Launi and Lijie feed the fish every night before bed and I impress upon Launi the Importance of making sure he takes the CAN out of Lijies room and doesn't leave it in there...so that we can avoid this EXACT situation as Lijie has good intentions but zero impulse control...)
He had dumped about 75% of the can into the tank. (And it wasn't a small can...no. I had to buy the "Extra Value Can" that would last us for 5 years.)

What was even more horrifying...was the state that Spot was in.
When I finally located the fish in the tank I was repulsed to see that he had eaten so much fish food that he was distended and bloated.
(I am NOT kidding..I have never seen anything so gross and disturbing in my life. He couldn't even SWIM he was so ...full. He had puffed up to twice his size and was near bursting. *gag*)

I hollered for Launi who came in to see and was rather disgusted himself.
AFter talking to Lijie and asking him WHY in the HELL he would dump a whole can of fish flakes into the tank (for which he really didn't have an answer..) we told him we were going to have to flush Spot because certainly...death was imminent.
(Truthfully...I was waiting for him to explode. Launi said I was being ridiculous sitting there staring at the tank waiting for Spot to spontaneously com bust and he made me leave the room.)

Lijie had a minor nervous breakdown at the thought of us flushing his fish.
Tried to explain to him that it would be kinder to flush him than wait for him to burst..but Launi interjected (whilst glaring at me) and told Lijie we would "wait and see what happens" before we flushed Spot. Lijie sniffled and said he would rather put "Spot in a hankie and bury him in the back yard" instead of flushing him. (Where does he get this stuff??)

Launi and I spent an hour cleaning out the tank...and then we put the stupid glutenous fish back in with no hope that he would survive. It was only a matter of time.

We spent the evening shopping and when we came home Lijie said very solemnly, "Im going to check on Spot now."
And would you believe it...that damn fish was STILL alive.
Thinking that he would surely perish overnight I said.."Well..lets see how he does over night." And then I started at the tank for awhile..grossly intrigued at how absolutely disgusting Spot looked..and in AWE that he hadn't exploded yet.

When Lijie got up at 7:00 this morning he didn't mention anything about Spot...so I went in and checked for myself and...Spot was happily swimming around his plastic plants!!!! (Somewhat thinner now.)

Lijie says that Spot is still alive because he is "Mamazing!" (Amazing) And to think, I was ready to flush the fish and put him out of his misery!!

And so Spot lives on. Im not sure HOW he has managed to stay alive through everything..when the other fish would die if we sneezed to loudly.
Launi is right...Fish are a stupid pet. However...my mother guilt keeps me buying them for Lijie. And he seems to enjoy them..(when he's not OVER FEEDING them..)

Rhys is 2 months old!

2008-08-13T19:16:00.000-07:00

Rhysie went for her 2 month needles today! :(
So sad. She looked so....heart broken crying with her lip sticking out. I made Launi hold her through them, I couldn't do it!!! And I hate how they have to give them 3 seperate needles to. *ugd* After the needles I went and bought her a bunch of really cute little headbands...perhaps as sort of a peace offering? Poor baby. At least its done and over with for the time being.

She now weighs 10lbs 2oz and she is 20.5 inches long!
They said she is doing really well! :)

Here are some recent pics of the little miss.

Big Smiles!

Miss Chubby Cheeks!

Snoozin' with Daddy!

Marissa and Rhys

Vanessa and Rhys

"Mother" and Rhys Rockin'

Launi Rocks My World!

2008-08-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening my friend picked me up so that we could go shopping for new pants!! (Read entry below.) We were going out "kidless" for a few hours and very much looking forward to it! (Again...read entry below. I BADLY NEEDED PANTS!)

After we shopped successfully for pants we decided to go for a quick donut break.
I got home about 10:00...feeling a little guilty about being gone for 2.5 hours and leaving hubby alone to manage the kids. (And bedtime...which is hectic with 2 people doing it let alone one.) I walked up the step and the house was pretty dark and quiet.

The living room was dark, and Lijies room was empty. I opened the door to our bedroom and this is what I see...

Launi sleeping with both his "babies". :) Everyone was quite content and happy, snoozin' away!! What a good Daddy he is. My heart melted.

This next picture makes me laugh. Lijie had spent the morning with Laurie and they went to the toy store so that Lij could pick out a toy. He picked out a home depot tool set so he could be.."Just like My dad!!". All day he had been carrying the tools around in his tool box. You can see what replaced ME in the bed that night:

Launi said that Lijie was very insistent that the tool box be in bed with everyone.
Everything that is the most important to me in the world..was in that bed last night. :) (Except for the tool box.)

Post Partum Ramblings....

2008-08-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

Well Rhys is now 2 months old. Time has flown by so fast, I seriously can't believe it!! Rhys has "fit" into our crazy family as though she has always been here. She has been such a wonderful, beautiful addition to our family. We shake our heads very humbly (VERY often in fact) in realization of how blessed we are.
Being the type of person I am, I had so many worries and fears about adding another child to our family. Was it the right time? Would we be able to handle it? Had we waited to long after having Lijie? Would it work out alright? And I can't believe how easy she has been and how seamlessly she just melded into our lives and our hearts. A baby, this baby, our baby..was truly meant to be.

I look at back at some of the painful things we had to go through to get her here. Suffering a miscarriage at the time seemed so upsetting and unfair. Now I realise had I not had that miscarriage, I would not have Rhys. (Something that a friend tried to explain to me at the time..but I did not understand until 2 months ago.)
I look at this baby of mine now and feel sheer happiness and joy.

Lijie has been very good about everything. I had many fears about jealousy and wondered how exactly he would handle his new sister. He had been #1 for a long time and I was pretty certain that he liked that spot in the family. But he seemed to accept her without thought or malice. (Thus far anyway...) He is very much like his Dad that way...easy going and accepting of things. At times I wonder if he even realises that she is here!! He laughs at her alot and notices if she isn't around. Otherwise life has gone on as normal for him...except for the fact that he has to share his Dad with her, something that I can tell bugs him. He seems to shrug it off most times. Other times he's demanding and obnoxious of his Dads time and attention...something we are learning to deal with. But Im proud of my boy. Everyday he grows and gets bigger. He seems to be understanding "Life" alot more lately. You can tell he is trying to figure things out. At times he seems very mature and like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. Other times he's just my giggly , smiling, goofy boy.
He's been through alot this year. New diagnosis, facing more surgery, problems with his ears and hearing...he comes up against alot of people who just don't understand.
But he also has alot of people who love him tremendously and support us 100%. For that I am grateful.

And Me...
In some ways having 2 children has been easier than I expected it would be. This is largely in part due to the "type" of baby I was VERY blessed to have been given. She is already sleeping between 5-6 hours straight at night. She rarely cries or fusses. She is a very content, happy baby. She is "easy". So that has made things easier for all of us.
Alot of days I feel like I don't have enough arms/hands or time for everyone. I don't have enough time to get things done that I would like to. My house is a mess all the time. Im trying to learn to be happy with just getting the dishes done, and making sure there is enough clean underwear and towels to go around!! For a control freak I guess its a new normal.
Im hating my body lately. Im sure this is something that most new mothers go through. I don't remember feeling this way quite as bad with Lijie. Pardon the pity party but...
Since Ive had Rhys I've:
-gotten grey hair. (and not just ONE or two, but MANY...and they are noticeable!!)
-gotten fatter, not slimmer. (how does that work? you HAVE the baby..and don't even lose how much the baby WEIGHED. HOW? WHY? Mother natures a bitch...)
-been having a love affair with pastries, pies, cakes and timbits. (especially the sour cream glazed ones. *sigh*) The cravings I get for sugary snacks are VERY reminiscent of cravings I remember having for cigarettes after I quit. WHY can't I crave salad so passionately?
-really been noticing my stretch marks. If I could just look at them as part and parcel of being a woman who has been pregnant and had 2 children then perhaps I could be more accepting. But they bother me so badly that if I could get dressed in pitch blackness I would. They will never GO away. They are HERE to stay.
-been unable to fit into any of my pre pregnancy underwear. (nothing will make you feel quite as pretty as knowing your ass has grown.) Its so bad that some regular granny undies feel like THONGS.

The other day I was TRYING in vain to get dressed and nothing was fitting properly. As I ripped articles of clothing out of the closet trying desperately to find something that would fit I kept telling myself how fat and disgusting I was. This wasn't helping my mood. Nothing would fit. The only pants I had that would fit over my large arse were an ancient pair of sweat pants that I bought when I was pregnant with Lijie. (Who is nearing 6 years of age, I will add.) I was near tears when I scanned to Launi's side of the closet and thought....Hmmmmmm, perhaps...?
NO..it was to awful to contemplate.
But maybe.... NO....
Time was ticking...I was running late as it was.
It finally came down to this:
Either I was going to have to wear the ancient sweat pants or I was going to have to try on a pain of Launi's jeans and see if THEY fit. (And if they fit, I was going to have to go and drink bleach..)
I whipped a pair of his jeans off the hanger and stoicly pulled them on.
And guess what..they kind of fit. (I was buttoning them up under my boobs...but they fit "girth" wise.)
The realization that my ass was bigger than my husbands was almost as painful as knowing that In my moment of desperation I had actually tried on a pair of his pants.
The thought was to horrifying to deal with though. I came back to my senses, and even though it was freezing out and raining I dug a pair of shorts out of the laundry basket that Rhys has barfed on and wore those instead. (Wasn't as concerned about the barf as I was the fact that I had VERY noticeable muffin tops.) On the way to my friends house I took out my "Tide to go pen" and frantically tried to rub out a dessert sized stain at all the red lights. Succeeded in only making it look like I had peed myself.

There are always going to be ups and downs. Im trying to focus on the things that really matter and forget about the things that don't. I realise (in those brief moments of clarity) that my weight really doesn't matter. What DID matter was how wonderful it felt to go out with a dear friend tonite and laugh. What mattered even more was how she offered to take my kids off my hands for a couple of hours so that I could shop for new pants and underwear that fit my arse!! Friends like that (the kind that just GET you..the kind that just understand without you having to say it..) come along once in a blue moon. My "once in a blue moon" friend saved my sanity (and a large part of my dignity...lets admit it..trying on your husbands pants will do a number on your self esteem..)and for that, I am doubly blessed. (And eternally grateful.)

I thank god that one of the worlds most patient men is in fact my husband. He is a fantastic father who thinks nothing of defrosting breast milk and giving the baby a bottle so that I can escape to walmart..and he doesn't expect more of me than I can give. I appreciate that he knows my limitations and doesn't hold them against me. He is a wonderful friend.

So while Im hormonal and often feel like a walking milk factory...I know that its all worth it. The fat, the stretch marks, the tears...did I mention the fat?, all seem to pale in comparison to the sticky hugs and cheeky grins that I get from my kids. All things in due time...the post partum hormones will subside, the weight will come off and I will stop being so mean and nasty about myself.
Its a crazy, wild ride...but Im glad Ive waited in line for my turn. :)

Sisters

2008-08-09T18:08:00.000-07:00

Quote:
"You don't love someone because they are perfect. You love them in spite of the fact that they're not."

Hail Storm!

2008-08-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

We had a wicked thunder storm last night! Mixed in with all the lightening and thunder was some pretty impressive hail.

The whole house was shaking and it sounded like we were inside a popcorn popper. Lijie kept looking up at the roof and yelling "OKKAAAAY! STOOOOP IT NOWWWWWW!!"
(Not because he was scared, but because he couldn't hear the TV. *rolling eyes*)

Half of the solar lights we had outside are smashed and cracked. And the hood of my truck is all pock marked and dented! *ugd*

Family Reunion

2008-08-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

Family Reunion 2008 and fun was had by all.
There was food, karaoke and half naked men dancing with their mother-in laws!! :)
I didn't get enough pictures of thee extended family! :(

Some Pictures:

Chatterbox!

2008-08-04T12:28:00.000-07:00

Rhys is turning into quite the little talker.
She MUST get that from her Dad! :)